


It Will Always Be You

by casbuddy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 05, Angst, Apocalypse, M/M, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-17
Updated: 2013-07-21
Packaged: 2017-12-15 07:49:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 72,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/847083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casbuddy/pseuds/casbuddy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now the apocalypse has begun and Lucifer is free to walk the Earth yet again, it is easy for Castiel to think that they are in a losing battle. That is until Castiel stumbles upon Dean's future self who teaches him, that even in the worst of times, it is never too late to regain your hope. But the problem with gaining hope, is that you can lose it again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is set right after season four so pretend everything that happened in canon after that never happened.

The beginning of this story truly depends on who you were to ask or how you perceive it yourselves. Some may say it all started when Castiel followed his orders and saved Dean from Hell. Or perhaps before even that, when Dean sacrificed himself to save his brother. It could be argued that the story was written before the Winchesters were even born, something that God had intended for them before they were even an atom or a thought. If you were to ask Castiel he may have chosen the moment he decided to break ranks and turn his back on Heaven after thousands of years of existence, finding someone other than God to follow. But then again, if Castiel were really to think about how the chains of this story really began, he would have probably chosen the moment that Sam Winchester was saved from a werewolf, something that Castiel wasn't even there to witness, that he wasn't even made aware of until a week later.

Yes, the moment of Sam unwittingly being saved from a werewolf, something that others could have seen as inconsequential, was really the beginning of Castiel and Dean Winchester, even if they were not aware of it at the time.

However which way you see the story, where ever you find the beginning and the end doesn't really matter. What really matters is that this was always meant to be, even if those inside the story couldn't always see it that way.

However, if you were to ask Castiel and Dean Winchester if they had any regrets to what ultimately became of them, they would say to hell with regrets, that everything they did brought them together.

 And that's the whole point isn't it?


	2. Chapter 2

He opens his eyes, wincing as the sun above him burns his vessels retinas. He stays there for a while, staring at the sky before him, watching the clouds brush by slowly. There is a faint thought in the back of his mind that he needs to be somewhere, that there is _someone_ out there who is important to him, someone who needs his help but he can't reach the thought. It fades away from him like the clouds in the sky and he can't seem to find the need to care. He'll just stay here and watch the clouds, feel the sun warm his vessel's skin.

"Are you alright?" a voice asks to his left.

He turns his head to look at the human, the man's face mixed with concern and fear. He sits up, the man taking a cautious step backwards as he does so.

"Are you alright?" the man repeats.

"Yes, I'm fine," he replies and the nagging feeling that he should be somewhere hits him again, a face flashing in his mind before it disappears again, too quickly for him to grasp onto it.

"Do you know who you are, where you are?" the man asks, kneeling down to him, obviously realising that he isn't of any harm to him, letting out a groan as his eighty years old knees bend.

"I'm," he takes a deep breath, sorting out his clouded thoughts, "Castiel."

"Okay Castiel," the man beside him speaks slowly, "I'm Samuel."

Samuel continues to speak but Castiel doesn't hear any of it.

" _It's the archangel. I'll hold them off, I'll hold them all off, just stop Sam"_

Sam. Dean. The Apocalypse.

_Dean._

How could he have forgotten?

"I have to go, thank you for your help," Castiel speaks quickly before disappearing on the man before him. He locates Dean in an instant, finding him at Chuck's house. Dean, Sam and Chuck stare at him open mouthed as Castiel takes in his surroundings. Chuck's house is in ruins, furniture strewed everywhere and Castiel is slowly remembering why. He had fought the archangel to help Dean stop the apocalypse. But then hadn't he-?

"You were dead, I- I saw you die!" Chuck yells in shock, pointing a wavering finger to Castiel's face.

Ah. So he had died. He hadn't imagined it.

"I was," Castiel replies calmly.

"Cas, is that really you?" Dean asks softly, his eyes wide.

"Yes it's me," Castiel replies, unsure as to why Dean needs reaffirming.

"But how did you-?" Chuck looks dumbfounded, his mouth hanging open unattractively.

"Did you stop it?" Castiel ignores the prophet, taking a step towards Dean.

As soon as the words tumble out of Cas, Dean winces and averts his gaze. He shakes his head once, still not looking at Castiel, eyes fixed to the floor.

"Lucifer is free?"

"He couldn't stop me in time," Sam says wretchedly, again not looking at Castiel, "It's all my fault."

Everything that Castiel had done had been in vain. It had all been pointless; they hadn't been able to stop it. He'd defied Heaven for _nothing_. He'd put his whole trust in Dean, chosen him over his whole family of brothers and sisters. And he hadn't stopped it.

"Cas?" Dean whispers, finally looking up to reach Castiel's gaze and Castiel realises that he doesn't want to look into those eyes anymore.

Castiel doesn't speak, instead reaches over and pushes his fingers to Dean's chest, marking Dean's ribs. He then does the same to Sam and Chuck, ignoring their cries of protest.

"What the hell was that?" Dean barks.

Castiel still doesn't look at him and stares at the broken table to the left of him, "They're a ward; they'll stop angels being able to locate you, even Lucifer."

"So you won't be able to find us either?" Dean asks.

"No," Castiel replies briskly.

"Well, looks like we're going to have to get you a mobile like the rest of us human folk," Dean tries to joke but even Castiel can see there is no humour behind it.

"Why do we need to be protected from the angels?" Sam asks flatly and Castiel can feel the guilt resonating out of his soul causing Castiel to shudder. He can't help but feel Sam's guilt himself but then again, isn't Castiel just as guilty as the rest of them? He knew of the angel’s plans and he didn't stop them until the very end. He could have ended this a long time ago but he chose not to. And worst of all, he'd released Sam from the panic room, letting Sam kill Lilith. This was his fault just as much as theirs. Perhaps even more so.

"Because they'll want to kill you," Castiel admits with a sigh.

"What, but I thought I was the 'righteous man' and all that bullshit," Dean says angrily and if Castiel were to look at him, he knows he would see his jaw clenched, his eyebrows furrowed.

"That's exactly why they'll want to kill you. They don't want the apocalypse to stop; they want Lucifer to fight the Earth until there are no humans left. You are prophesied as the only man who can defeat him and that means they'll want you executed before you even have the chance to try."

"Why the hell do they want Lucifer to kill everyone?!" Dean shouts.

Castiel finally looks at him with narrowed eyes, "Isn't it obvious? The angels detest the human species. Now that God isn't here to give orders it gives the angels higher up the chance to finally rid the Earth of our Father's preferred species. When the human race is all but extinct, they'll probably bring you back to defeat him but that won't be till years to come."

Dean sucks in his breath, "Seriously?"

"I'm being serious Dean," Castiel replies curtly.

"Fuck," Dean breathes out, "So this is all because God decided to take a vacation? So because of Him all the angels decide to wipe out all of us humans?! Sorry Cas but your dad can go fuck himself."

"It's not His fault," Castiel grits his teeth.

"Whatever, what about Sammy, why would the angels come after him?"

"They have no use of him anymore. He has served his purpose of releasing Lucifer, that's all the angels needed of him."

"Great," Sam says sarcastically, his shoulders hunched, "Glad I could have been of help."

"I swear Sam, if you don't stop guilt tripping yourself I'm going to shoot you," Dean yells. Sam opens his mouth to reply but shuts it again, looking back down to the floor.

"What about me, I'm just a prophet, why would they want to kill me?" Chuck finally speaks.

"They won't kill  _you_ but we cannot let them have you at their bidding. The angels must not know the future, we cannot risk them taking you and knowing what will happen while we don't. In fact, gather any of your belongings, I will take you somewhere where we can only find you."

"You're serious?" Chuck raises his eyebrows.

"Yes."

"What about Bobby, will the angels go after him as well?" Dean asks tightly as Chuck runs around the room, throwing unnecessary things into a cardboard box.

"I don't think the angels would, they don't understand how humans can bond with each other when they're not related by blood. I doubt Bobby has even crossed their mind."

"But still, will you go and do the rib thing to him too?" Dean asks.

"If it will assure you, yes. I'll go to him once I've taken Chuck to a safer place," Castiel nods.

"Yeah but Dean," Sam says "Bobby's not going to move out of that house for no one so even with the ward on his ribs, the angels will still be able to find him easily."

"I'll teach him angel wards to prevent angels from coming anywhere near his property," Castiel promises.

"Yeah," Sam smiles, "Thanks Cas."

"Now what though? How do we defeat the fucking Devil?" Dean spits out.

"We don't, it's impossible," Castiel remarks.

"But you said that I was the one who was going to stop it all," Dean raises his arms in frustration and looks at Castiel like he very much wants to punch him again. At the moment, Castiel has very much the same thoughts about Dean.

"Yes I did but I don't even know where we would _begin_ in defeating Lucifer," Castiel admits.

"So what are we going to do? Hide from the angels and twiddle our thumbs while Lucifer fucking kills everyone?" Dean steps towards Castiel, his jaw clenched.

"I know who would know how to defeat him, who could end this all now, who is the only one possible in bringing me back to life."

"Who?" Sam asks and for the first time in the conversation, there is a small amount of hope in his voice.

"God, I'm going to find God."

" _Shit._ "

They all turn sharply to look at a shocked looking Chuck who then babbles "Sorry, erm, I'm going to go get my stuff from upstairs."

Dean watches as Chuck runs up the stairs, then looks at Castiel, his eyes narrowing, " _God_?"

"Yes."

"You think he's the one who brought you back?" Sam asks, standing up.

"Yes, he's the only one who has the power to do that," Castiel assures. Castiel feels his heart beating faster at the thought of not only God acknowledging him but thinking he is important enough to be saved. He had never heard of an angel being reincarnated before, he must be the first. Surely this must mean that Castiel is on the right path? That following Dean had been the right choice? That they could stop this?

"Do you think he's the one who put us on that plane?" Sam asks Dean softly.

"Plane?" Castiel enquires.

"After I," Sam gulps, "killed Lilith, the whole floor started lighting up and Lucifer was coming from Hell in about five seconds. We tried to get out of the room but we couldn't but then we were suddenly on a plane."

"It was God," Castiel breathes, his head starting to feel light at the thought, "He saved you."

"But why? I mean, I just released Lucifer," Sam shakes his head.

"God must see you as worth saving Sam, as do I," Castiel smiles faintly, trying to reassure Sam. Yes, he had released Lucifer but he had been doing so because he thought he was saving the world. This wasn't Sam's fault, not in Castiel's eyes, and obviously not in his Father's either.

Sam's eyes widen, shaking his head slightly, but then a small smile creeps onto his face, his shoulders relaxing. Castiel can already feel some of the guilt wash away from Sam's soul. It’s only a small amount but it is a start.

"So what, you think that not only is God out there somewhere but he's willing to help?" Dean says slowly, obviously not agreeing with Castiel's plan as much as Sam. Dean had never been the one to put all his faith in God and it pained Castiel to think that he probably never would be.

"He's not in Heaven, he has to be somewhere and I intend to find him," Castiel lifts his chin.

"How?"

"I will find a way," Castiel says. Admittedly, he is very much unsure of how to start looking but he  _will_ find a way. He has to be out there somewhere, the proof of that is Castiel himself. If he brought Castiel back and saved the Winchesters he must want to help more. Surely?

"Well good luck on that one," Dean shakes his head, "but while you're on a goose chase, we're going to try and find a way to stop the frigging Devil."

"That's what I am trying to do," Castiel takes another step towards Dean, their chests nearly touching. On instinct, Dean takes a step back, his eyebrows raised.

Dean looks at him for a moment before sighing "Yeah I know that Cas, it's been a long day okay."

Castiel knows this is Dean's way of apologising so Castiel nods, placing his arm on Dean's shoulder for a moment of reassurance. Dean looks up at him, eyes wide and Castiel takes his hand away instantly. Why had he thought to do that in the first place? Dean didn't want or need his reassurances, least of all his hand resting on his shoulder.

"I'll take Chuck to his new home, I'll see you when I have news," Castiel states, trying to ignore Dean's frowning face.

"Wait!" Dean calls out, and then rummages through his pockets, "Here."

Castiel instinctively catches the phone, looking at it with curiosity. He'd never owned a phone before but he had watched Dean and Sam use one, he knew how they worked on the most basic terms, pieces of human technology that allowed humans to reach each other wherever they were.

"Keep that, it has Sam's number in it and my other phone's number. You call us if you need anything okay?"

Castiel wants to tell him that he doubt he'll need anything from them but he doesn't, instead murmuring a simple thank you before finding Chuck upstairs and taking him to the other side of the world, somewhere that no angel besides him could ever find him.

It is only when he is alone, after he has left Chuck and taught a restless Bobby the wards that he looks at Dean's mobile phone in his hands and realises that he hasn't heard any conversations of angels in his mind since he came back to life. The realisation makes him feel much lonelier than he had expected. His family had cut off from him and although Castiel is disgusted with his species, on what they intend to do, they had been his family and still are and now they are gone from his life. Worse, now they are his enemies.

All he has left in his life is a prophet and Sam and Dean Winchester. And they don't need him like he needs them.

_Especially Dean._


	3. Chapter 3

"Dean, Sam," Castiel notes when he arrives at the road sign where they are situated after his short phone call from Dean telling him to come. It both infuriates and calms him that he placed the enochian sigils onto their ribs. It calms him because he knows that no angel, not even Lucifer, could possibly find them unless they were to expose themselves through idiocy, though that is something that the Winchester's do seem to have a talent for.

Most of all, it frustrates him as he now cannot locate them within a second, he has to first communicate them through a mobile phone, an exasperating piece of technology, before he can even find out where they are at that precise time. The fact that he has to wait for Dean or Sam to reply if he were to call them only makes it worse as they could very easily ignore his phone call and he would never be able to find them again. It worries him that he cannot hear their prayers, that if they were to suddenly be in danger and he be of need, he wouldn't be aware and they could die with Castiel never knowing where they were or what had happened to them. This thought is the one that pains him the most.

"How's searching for your daddy going?" Dean asks, not even jumping when Castiel arrives right in front of him. Sam, however, does, glaring at Castiel as if he should have given some kind of warning before he appeared from nowhere but Castiel doesn't understand that notion. They were the ones to call him, not the other way around, so surely they should have been expecting him?

"What is the reason you called?" Castiel asks, trying to keep the annoyance from his tone and realising that he failed. He knows Dean isn't really asking how the search for Castiel's Father is going; he’s merely mocking him because he’s so sure that Castiel's plan is already a failed one, that it’s useless. It had taken a while for Castiel to understand when Dean was mocking him and even now he sometimes found it difficult to distinguish but he can understand Dean's mocking now and Castiel finds it increasingly difficult not to shout back.

"That good, huh?" Dean mutters to himself before looking up at Castiel, a look of curiosity on his face, "So we wanted to ask you something?"

"What?" Castiel enquires, unsure of where this conversation is going. What could the Winchesters possible want from him now? Is he not doing enough?

"I told Sammy it couldn't be you because you would show your face if it was you and you wouldn't have used a gun but Sam said we should still ask," Dean shrugs.

"Ask about what?" Castiel replies, tilting his head because this conversation is beginning to be more confusing than most.

"Last week, Dean and I were hunting a werewolf. And Dean here got himself knocked out-" Sam starts to explain.

"I did not get myself knocked out alright? I just bashed my head a bit and I was a little dazed, that's all," Dean retorts angrily.

"Whatever Dean," Sam rolls his eyes.

"Can you please get to the point?" Castiel sighs, looking from Dean to Sam and letting his gaze fixate on Dean again.

"While I was trying to get my head back together, Sammy here got jumped by the wolf-boy, couldn't fight him and any minute he was going to get his heart clawed out," Dean glares at Sam but Castiel recognises this glare as not one of anger but of 'I nearly lost you again', a look that the Winchester's have seemed to have perfected through the years of losing each other.

At first Castiel had struggled to understand why they were still hunting insignificant monsters such as werewolves when Lucifer was out there somewhere but he’s beginning to understand they’re hunting these monsters  _because_  Lucifer is free. They were admittedly struggling to even locate Lucifer, let alone find out a way to kill him, so this is the way the boys get through that knowledge and guilt, by hunting and saving a handful of people's lives until they find him.

"How did you survive?" Castiel asks and he is surprised to feel his hands shaking at the thought of the boys being so close to death without even Castiel's knowledge. From now on he'll force them to tell him when they're in the process of hunting a monster and he shall join them. It would cut into his time of trying to find his Father but he certainly isn't going to let the boys come to any harm and if he needs to, he will accompany them on every hunt to ensure they don't do anything stupid like dying. These boys are all Castiel has left and it pains him to think of them getting hurt, a silly notion as they are human and it is unavoidable.

"See, that's the thing," Sam frowns, "We don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, just before Sam lost his heart, someone shot the bastard and they knew what they were doing, silver bullets and all. But here's the kicker,  _it wasn't me_. After we'd both figured out we still had all our limbs attached we tried to follow them, see who it was, but they'd disappeared," Dean mutters.

"So someone saved you but you don't know who it was," Castiel states, trying to understand this new odd situation. He wants to ask why Sam had thought it was him but decides against it, realising it's pointless to the story.

"But that's not all. A couple of days ago we heard about two demons in Detroit causing the usual demon havoc, making the humans they're possessing kill and shit like that. We figured we'd come and exorcise them and we thought that maybe they'd know something about Lucifer, what with him being their creator and all. We knew it was a long shot but we thought we could at least give it a go," Dean shrugs.

"Why didn't you call me and tell me this plan?" Castiel tries to ask as calmly as possible but he's finding it increasingly difficult. These boys are incapable of including him in their plans even when it's something that he should be involved in and he's started to get aggravated by it all.

"Just let me tell the story alright," Dean snaps back and Castiel has no other choice to press his lips together and stay silent, "Anyway, as I was saying, we got here, found their location easily, I guess you could say too easily, and we're ready to have a nice chat with these demons when we get this-" Dean pulls out his phone, presses a few buttons and hands it to Castiel.

"Do not go to the warehouse, it's a trap," Castiel reads out, looking up to Dean's unreadable eyes.

"So we're a little spooked that someone seems to know what we're about to do but we decide to come anyway," Dean continues, ignoring Castiel's growl of displeasure, "We get to the warehouse and someone's already been there, salted the doors and windows on the outside to keep the demons in. We look in the window and there's about twenty of them in there, trying to get out. Turns out, it  _was_  a trap and we don't know how but the person who text us knew and they warned us beforehand."

Castiel stands motionless for a while, trying to let his mind process all the information. He knows one thing for sure; it's not angels saving them. Firstly, angels aren't exactly on the Winchester's side at the moment so it would make no sense for them to be saving their lives. Secondly, the way the person, whoever it is, was saving them was so very human like. Angels wouldn't need to use guns or to warn them through a mobile phone. In fact, Castiel doubts many angels know what a mobile phone is, let alone how to use one. No, whoever this had been had to be a human and Castiel doesn't know whether that is a good or a bad thing.

"So what of the demons now?" Castiel breathes out.

"Still in the warehouse," Dean points down the road, "it's just down there. We had to walk down here so you'd be able to find us."

Dean looks up at the road sign pointedly and it yet again maddens Castiel that they have to go through these ridiculous notions for him to be able to find the boys. Castiel places a hand on either of the Winchester's shoulders and takes them outside of the warehouse. Castiel can already feel the demons trapped inside, smell their stench and sense the foulness coming from them. Castiel finds it difficult not to gag.

"Dude, we could have just walked it here!" Dean chastises.

"This way is quicker," Castiel tilts his head. He still doesn't understand why Dean has such trouble with his mode of transport when it is so much easier for Castiel to fly them to their destination. 

"So now what do we do?" Sam asks, his face a mixture of awe and nausea. It is only then that Castiel realises that Sam has never been transported like that before.

"I go in there, exorcise the majority but leave a few alive. We can then interrogate them, see if they know anything of Lucifer's plans, although that is doubtful."

"You going to be able to take on twenty demons?" Dean asks, his eyebrows furrowed, and Castiel can't help but smile faintly as he realises that this is Dean's way of showing his worry for Castiel. In his whole existence, Castiel had never been worried about before and it surprises him as to how much he feels warmth from it.

"I'm an angel Dean, I can handle it," Castiel speaks but even when the words escape his lips he can't help but wonder if he can handle one demon, let alone twenty. Castiel isn't foolish. He knows that as soon as he rebelled from Heaven there would be consequences. When the angels found out he had defied heaven for a mere human, he had felt a part of his grace slide. It is still there but it’s in the depths of his vessel, unreachable. He can still use his wings but he still hasn't found exactly what parts of himself he is blocked from using by Heaven. What if he can't exorcise demons?

A beeping interrupts his thoughts. Dean stops staring at him and reaches for his phone, his forehead creasing when he reads out the message "Don't let Cas go in there."

"Whoever it is knows who you are too," Sam breathes out in disbelief.

"What the hell, how can they know everything that we're about to do?!" Dean barks. Castiel only shakes his head in reply. It worries him that there is someone out there that clearly knows them, knows their exact move. He briefly considers the prophet Chuck but Castiel knows that Chuck wouldn't go to an extreme length to follow Sam and Dean on a hunt and then shoot the werewolf. He would merely have rung them if he thought they were to be in danger of being killed. Chuck isn't a hunter and Castiel doubts that Chuck could kill a fly, let alone a werewolf. But still, perhaps Chuck might know something.

"We should go see Chuck after this," Castiel notes aloud.

"After what? How are we going to kill all the demons?" Dean remarks back and it is clear to Castiel that Dean hates the feeling of someone knowing everything about them as much as Castiel does.

"I'm going to go in there," Castiel replies.

"But the text said-" Dean starts.

"I don't care what the text said," Castiel bites back, his jaw clenching. He doesn't want the text to be right, he needs to be able to smite demons because if he can't then that means he can't smite anything How will he protect the Winchester's if he can't do something as simple as this? What would be the point of him?

Another beeping fills the open air and Dean pulls out his phone again, this time sucking in a breath after he reads it.

"What does it say?" Sam asks curiously.

Dean looks up to Castiel, his eyes steadily looking into his, "It says that Cas is cut off from Heaven and if he walks in there he dies."

Castiel opens his mouth to say anything but he finds no words. If the person through the phone is telling the truth and it now seems likely that they are, Castiel is all but useless.

"Is that right Cas?" Dean asks softly.

Castiel sighs "I am cut off from Heaven yes but I am not sure how that affects all of my abilities."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Dean demands.

"What did you think would happen to me after I  _defied_ Heaven?" Castiel says tiredly.

Dean averts his gaze and murmurs, "You're not going in there, that's for sure."

"Dean-" Castiel starts.

"No Cas, you're not going in there! Even without the texts I'm still not letting you in there if there's a slight chance of you not being able to handle yourself. No way Cas, no way," Dean glares.

Castiel nods half-heartedly, knowing that Dean is right. He can't defeat all those demons and going in there would only be seen as a suicide attempt. Even if he doesn't have all his abilities, he can still help the boys in some ways, still try and find his Father. The fact that Dean seems to actually care about whether he lives or dies, even if it’s just because they would lose an ally, seems to help also, although Castiel can't understand why.

"We'll just exorcise them all together," Sam breaks the silence, "We'll do what we did that one time remember, where we played the exorcism on loudspeaker. Like you said, I don't think they're going to know anything about Lucifer and if they did, I don't think they'd tell us."

Castiel nods tiredly, watching Sam make his way back to the car. Dean just stands there watching Castiel, an unreadable expression on his face. Castiel doesn't say anything either and just lets Dean stare, too tired to try and make unnecessary human conversation.

After what seems like a very long time but can have only been a few minutes, Sam returns with a loudspeaker in his hands, smiling grimly.

"Let's get exorcising," Dean remarks.

Thankfully all the humans that were being possessed are still alive, none of them having too serious an injury that they need to go to hospital. Castiel watches them all look frantically around, not knowing where they are or what had happened to them for however long they'd been possessed. Castiel knows that the memories will come back to them and he doesn't know whether that is beneficial to them or not. He doubts it. They all slowly walk from the warehouse, looking at the hunters and Castiel like they aren't human, like they are afraid of them. In regards to Castiel, he supposes they are right to see him that way, even though most of his powers are diminishing slowly but surely. Now that the stranger through the phone had seemingly confirmed his powers are being cut off, he can almost feel them draining away, some of them being blocked. It feels like he is becoming more human by the second and it terrifies him. He knows it would take a long time for all his abilities to disappear and he would never fully become human when his grace, however small, was still intact but the thought that he could even come close to being human alarms him terribly. If it were to happen the Winchester's would have no need for him and he would have no one.

"Come on, we should get out of here," Sam murmurs.

"Let's go see Chuck."

Chuck doesn't even jump when they appear in front of him. He just waves, looks at them over his sunglasses and then turns his head back to watch the sea that his balcony overlooks.

"Hey, I was expecting you guys, there's some beer there," Chuck points to a mini-fridge beside him.

Dean looks around him, his mouth wide, "Dude, where the hell are we?"

"Hawaii," Castiel replies, passing Dean a beer from the fridge, his fingers grazing Dean's. He pulls his hand away sharply but Dean doesn't seem to have noticed Castiel's error, he's too busy looking down at the crashing waves below him.

"Cool huh?" Chuck waggles his eyebrows.

"Uh, yeah," Sam laughs.

"Chuck, if you were expecting us, you know why we're here," Castiel speaks, realising that perhaps he shouldn't have brought Sam and Dean with him as they seem to be too busy looking around in awe and not focusing on the task at hand.

"So we're getting straight to business," Chuck sighs, taking his sunglasses off and sitting up on the deck chair that he's seated on.

"Do you know who has been saving the Winchesters?" Castiel asks.

"And you," Dean adds, "They saved you too Cas."

"Hmm," Castiel replies.

"I don't know who," Chuck exhales, holding the bridge of his nose with his finger and thumb.

"But you're a prophet! And not only that, you're  _our_ prophet; I thought that meant you saw everything about us?" Dean frowns, taking a sip from his beer.

"Yes, but some things I can't see, they're hidden and whoever it is that's saving you, well, that's, er, hidden," Chuck shrugs.

"So you have no idea who it could be?" Sam persists.

"Hey, your guess is as good as mine."

Sam turns to Castiel, "But whoever it is, is good right? I mean, they're helping us."

"I'm sorry, isn't that what you said about Ruby?" Dean glares at Sam. Sam opens his mouth to retort back but shuts it again, his body tensing. Castiel knows that the subject of Ruby is still a sore subject between the boys. Dean sees it as Sam choosing Ruby over him and it could very easily be seen that way but Castiel knows there is much more to it than that. Perhaps he should talk it through with Dean at some point to help him see that but he doubts Dean would listen to him.

No, this is something that the boys have to deal with together and Castiel can only hope that they do it sooner rather than later as they don't need distractions when Lucifer is running free. This is something that Lucifer could use against them if he were to ever find them and Castiel can't let that happen.

"No, they're good," Chuck interrupts.

"I thought you said you didn't know who it was?" Sam accuses.

Chuck blushes, "I, er, don't. I just know that whoever it is is one of the good guys, or girls, whatever. Look, they're helping and you should let them okay? And please listen to what they tell you instead of ignoring it."

"Is there anything you're hiding from us Chuck?" Dean narrows his eyes.

"What? No!" Chuck recoils.

"Right, so now what? We have our very own  _Superman_?" Dean rolls his eyes.

"We should just accept the help," Castiel sighs.

"Yeah, we kinda need it Dean. If it wasn't for them we'd be dead right now," Sam agrees.

"Still, it's weird and I don't like it."

"You don't have to like it, just deal with it," Chuck nods, then lies back in his deckchair, pulling his sunglasses back to shade his eyes.

"So you got any good prophet stuff to tell us?" Dean asks.

"Nope, fraid not," Chuck murmurs.

"Well, that's just peachy; we're back to square one again."

"I'll take you back to your car," Castiel flies Dean and Sam back to their beloved impala, ignoring their flinches. Honestly, they need to sort out their issues with being transported by Castiel's wings.

"So now what, we carry on hunting, look for any devil signs?" Dean asks Castiel.

"Yes, continue hunting and try and find some kind of way that we can defeat Lucifer."

"I thought _s_ _omething_ would have happened by now, y'know, with it being the Devil and all," Sam looks to Castiel like he should have all the answers.

"The only explanation is that he is still circling his vessel, I can assure you that we'll know when he has succeeded in making the human give his consent."

"Thanks for that," Dean drawls.

"You're welcome?" Castiel says hesitatingly. Why would Dean thank him for telling him such terrible news?

Dean just rolls his eyes but fails to make any more comments on the matter, instead asking "What about you?"

"I'll continue on my hunt for my Father."

Dean watches Sam get into the impala, looking at Dean expectedly to follow suit. Dean just stands there, looking up at Castiel, his eyes unreadable. Castiel can feel Dean's uneasiness and Castiel prepares himself for what Dean is about to tell him or admit to.

"Do you want to maybe go get a beer with us before you go off on your hunt for God again?" Dean blurts out, curiously not looking at Castiel as he asks.

"I don't need to drink, I'm an angel," Castiel replies instantly.

"Yeah I know, I just thought you'd maybe want some human company for a bit but it was stupid, ignore me. Go look for God," Dean mumbles under his breath before getting into his car. Castiel stands there for a minute, trying to understand the purpose of that conversation and fails miserably at it. Castiel sighs and leaves the Winchester's, more confused than ever.


	4. Chapter 4

 

Castiel finds himself back at the warehouse that was once occupied with the twenty demons. He tries to understand how not only could someone have known that the Winchester's planned to go there but also that it was a trap and get there before the boys to handle the demons themselves. More importantly who was the trap by? Were the demons trying to trap the boys (and possibly himself) ready for when Lucifer is in his vessel? Castiel supposes that Lucifer would be interested in executing Dean when all the prophecies claim that Dean is the one to defeat him. So the demons trap them, kill them for Lucifer? A chill runs through his spine as he considers the thought. So not only are the demons seeming to actually use their intelligence, but they're using that intelligence to try and capture Dean.

Castiel will  _not_  let that happen.

"Hello Castiel."

Castiel whips around to find Zachariah, standing there with what Castiel has come to find is an irritating smug expression. It's an expression that Castiel wants to very gladly wipe off Zachariah, especially after their last few encounters.

"So it's true, you somehow survived Raphael," Zachariah comments.

"No, I died," Castiel says with a small smile, knowing that this will shock Zachariah, "I was brought back."

"Brought back?" Castiel enjoys the confusion etched onto Zachariah's vessel.

"Yes and only one being could do that. It seems like our Father doesn't agree with your plans Zachariah," Castiel spits out, lifting his chin.

"That can't be," Zachariah utters.

"Oh it is," Castiel smiles.

"Where is Dean Winchester?" Zachariah demands.

"I won't tell you," Castiel challenges the seraph.

Zachariah is suddenly on him, hitting his jaw with a powerful punch that forces Castiel to hit into the wall, denting it with a crash. Castiel stands up, letting his blade fall into his hand easily. Zachariah steps forward, dodging Castiel's fist, but drawing back slightly when Castiel tries to stab him in the heart.

The seraph jumps forward, knocking the blade from Castiel's hand, kicking him hard in the stomach. Castiel struggles to stand up straight, his vessel healing much slower than normal, the fact that he's cut off from Heaven making this fight even more difficult. Castiel punches Zachariah square in his jaw, relishing the sharp crack of bone it creates. In return, Zachariah growls, pushing Castiel to the wall, punching him relentlessly. Castiel feels bones snap in his face. Zachariah suddenly grips him by the throat, holding him up from the ground, Castiel's feet dangling in the air.

"Where is your precious Father now?" Zachariah snarls, "Looks like He's just going to watch you die Castiel."

Castiel doesn't reply. Instead he sends out a short prayer to his Father for help.

"Where are Sam and Dean Winchester?" Zachariah hisses, gripping Castiel's throat tighter. Castiel feels the tendons underneath his grip start to snap, his throat filling with blood. Castiel only shakes his head in response.

"I said, where are they?!" Zachariah screams.

Castiel looks down at him, eyes wide. Zachariah pulls out his angel blade, letting it glide against Castiel's ribs tauntingly. Castiel tries to thrash himself way from the seraph's hold but it is of no use. He wouldn't have been able to fight against him with his full powers so now with only a handful of his abilities it is useless. He can only hope that Sam and Dean can somehow do this without him.

And they'll never know. They'll never know what happened to him. What if they think he's abandoned them? That thought hurts him more than anything Zachariah can do to him.

"You won't find them," Castiel manages to cry out, his voice gurgling as blood gushes out of his mouth.

"Well, I guess you won't be here to find out will-" Zachariah starts to say but is cut off, his mouth contorting in shock and pain. His grace shines out of his eyes and mouth, screaming out in agony. Within seconds his body slumps, releasing his hold on Castiel's throat. Castiel drops to the floor himself, staring at the burnt out vessel before him, an angel blade sticking out between his shoulder blades, wings scorched onto the ground.

Castiel looks up to see his saviour and finds Dean. Dean who is looking at him with a facial expression imprinted onto his face that Castiel has never seen on him before. His green eyes wide, his mouth parted in surprise, his whole body exhaling slowly, his mouth quirking up ever so slightly in what looks like relief. But it doesn't matter.  _This isn't Dean._

Ignoring the protests of his body, he charges upwards, pushing the imposter against the wall, letting his hands curl around his throat just as Zachariah had done with him.

"Cas?" Dean chokes out, his eyes wide.

"You are not Dean; I just left him and Sam in another state. Who  _are_  you?" Castiel growls through his broken throat. He can feel the tendons slowly repairing themselves, the blood had stopped gushing but he is still finding it difficult to speak. It's healing, but painfully slower than it normally did.

"It's me Cas, please," Dean pleads, "It's me from the future."

"What?" Castiel barks.

"You've got to believe me Cas, it's  _me,"_  Dean begs, "Look at me, you  _know_ me, look at me and you'll see that it's me."

Castiel looks into Dean's soul. It's true; the soul is Dean's, though parts of it shine brighter than his Dean, beautiful shades of love and happiness that Castiel could get lost in if he let himself. But there are new dark tinges to it too, pain and loss fixed into the edges, so much pain that Castiel has to look away from it.

"Dean?" Castiel whispers, releasing his grip on Dean's throat.

Dean sighs, closing his eyes, his body deflating "Yeah, it's me Cas, it's me."

Castiel stares at him speechless. This is Dean but not Dean and he had just saved him.

Dean looks at Castiel's face, wincing "You okay Cas?"

"Yes, I'm fine, my vessel is healing," Castiel brushes it off. Now is not the time for them to be discussing Castiel's blocked powers or broken bones.

"You sure?" Dean frowns, pulling his hands up to Castiel's face then dropping them before they make contact, exhaling heavily.

"Yes I'm sure. How are you-" Castiel begins to ask.

"Here?" Dean chuckles gently, "that's a long story."

"Which angel was it?" Castiel demands, ignoring the pain screeching from his vessel, "Why did they bring you back here? Was it to prevent something or to-"

"Like I said, it's a long story," Dean frowns, his face tight as he stares at Castiel and Castiel can only assume it's because of the mess that Zachariah has made of his vessel's face. His cheekbone and nose are no longer broken but they still scream out when he moves his face.

"You cannot tell me?" Castiel frowns.

Dean sighs, "No, I can't."

Castiel tries to think of which angel could have possibly have done this and why. He would have expected Zachariah to have executed this but he's dead, only his lifeless vessel and scorched wings to show that he ever existed at all.

"You have an angel blade," Castiel remarks slowly.

Dean walks past Castiel, pulling out the blade from Zachariah's back and swiftly tucking it inside his jacket before Castiel can properly examine it.

"Sure do."

"How?"

Dean smirks, "You gave it to me."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because you knew I'd need it," Dean shrugs, walking back to Castiel, only leaving a foot between them. The answer to Castiel's question only confuses him further. He feels his brain swell with all the new knowledge being thrown at him and he can't seem to fix it in an orderly way. None of this makes sense. Why would the angels send Dean back at this precise moment to seemingly save Castiel?

"You have blood all over you," Dean murmurs softly, letting his thumb trace over Castiel's collar, blood smeared onto it and Castiel can't even remember what injury it's from. He quickly removes the blood from his clothes and skin and it surprises him at how much effort it seems to take.

"How long have you been here?" Castiel croaks.

"I got here a day after Lucifer was freed."

A realisation suddenly hits him, "You were the one who saved Sam from the werewolf and who warned them-  _us_ , about the demons."

Dean smiles "All me."

"Why didn't you just come to us instead?"

"Because they can't find out that it's me," Dean grips Castiel's forearms, "You can't tell them Cas, you've got to promise me that you won't tell them."

Castiel hesitates and for a small moment he wonders if he can trust him. But this is  _Dean._  Yes, it is Dean from the future but it is still Dean and he's the first person that Castiel would trust with his life. Dean can be trusted, even when he is clearly withholding information.

"Cas, you won't tell them will you?" Dean asks softly, still not releasing his hold.

"I won't tell them," Castiel agrees. For whatever reason Future Dean doesn't want his present self and brother to know of him being here and Castiel must respect whatever reason it may be. The only issue is that Castiel will now have to tell untruths to the Winchester's and the thought unsettles him. He doesn't want to lie to the boys but if it has to be that way to protect them then so be it.

"Good," Dean relaxes his grip but still keeps his hands on Castiel's arms.

"I'm sorry Dean, I can't take you back to the future, I don't have the power to do it," Castiel admits sadly. It seems like he couldn't have lost his abilities at a worse time. Now Future Dean will be stuck here, to apparently do an angel's bidding and there is nothing he can do to stop it.

"Who said I want to go back?" Dean asks, his face full of confusion but there is an edge to his voice, something billowing under the surface that Castiel can't grasp onto to understand.

"What are you-" Castiel starts before the phone in his pocket starts to ring. Castiel ignores it and stares at Dean in front of him. Dean frowns, sighing, his gaze faltering. He looks down at the pocket where the phone is calling out for him to answer. Dean straightens up, releasing his hold of Castiel and takes a step back.

"You might want to get that. That's past me calling you and I'll be pissed if you don't answer," Dean grins.

Castiel falters but picks up the phone, his voice still raspy, "Dean?"

"Cas, we're at the same motel as before, can you come, we think we have an idea on how to fucking kill the Devil," Dean says through the phone, hope in his voice. Castiel can't help feel odd at the fact that he is talking to Dean on the phone but also seeing Dean from the future looking at him at the same time.

"Cas, you coming or what?" Dean demands, his hope wavering.

"Yes, I'll be there in a moment," Castiel hangs up the phone.

"Shouldn't hang up on me dude," Future Dean smirks.

"Where will you be?" Castiel asks.

"Pass me your phone," Dean takes the phone from Castiel's hand and messes around with it, pressing buttons much quicker than Castiel has mastered yet, "There, I've put my phone number in it, you can call me once you've finished with past me and Sam, I'm sure you've got loads of questions to ask."

"And I'm assuming you won't answer any of them," Castiel says dryly, taking the phone from Dean.

"Probably," Dean grins, "Now go, because past me is getting more and more pissed off at how long you're making me wait."

Before Castiel leaves Future Dean, he pockets Zachariah's blade, knowing that another angel blade will come in handy for fighting with demons and if they are to ever come in contact with more angels.

Castiel appears in the motel room, finding himself standing next to present Dean, their arms brushing. He looks at Dean carefully, at his soul. It's surprising at how similar but altogether different his soul is from his future self. What could possibly have happened between now and then to have altered it so? Castiel chides himself from not asking  _when_  Dean is from but he supposes that he wouldn't tell him even if he were to ask. His head throbs at the thought of how much more complicated things are going to be now there are two Dean's. It was complicated enough with the one.

"Cas?" Dean asks, his lips pressing together, making Castiel realises that he has been staring for too long and most probably standing too close to Dean that is appropriate.

"What are your thoughts on defeating Lucifer?" Castiel asks, fighting the urge to wince as his voice still hasn't healed properly, his throat punishing him for speaking.

"The colt," Dean says quickly, his eyes shining.

"That could kill him right?" Sam stands, looking at Castiel eagerly.

Castiel considers it. The colt is supposed to be able to kill any living creature but does that include angels? He has never heard of any angel being killed with it but then again, no-one other than other angels have tried to attack each other for so many thousands of years so how is Castiel to know?

"Well?" Dean asks impatiently.

"It," Castiel reflects "could kill him, I'm not sure."

"But it’s worth looking into right?" Sam asks with a smile on his face.

"Do you know where the colt is?" Castiel looks from one brother to the other.

"No, the last we heard was that Lilith had it but we can ask around, capture a few demons but this time we'll make sure it's not a trap," Sam nods.

"Do not go after any demons without me. I may not be able to smite them but I would prefer to be there," Castiel mutters, his throat still burning, "I do have my angel blade after all."

Sam nods in agreement, clearly happy with this arrangement. He sits at the table, opens his laptop and Castiel can only assume he is looking for demonic omens on what they call the internet. Sam seems to relish in this new plan and Castiel can understand why. If they were to find the colt and to kill Lucifer before anything horrific happens, Sam won't have any reason to feel guilty. Castiel wants to tell him he shouldn't feel guilty anyway, that this sorry mess is Castiel's fault but he knows if he were to admit to them that he released Sam from the panic room, they wouldn't want his help and would probably never speak to him again.

"Hey man, you okay?" Dean asks, glancing at Castiel oddly.

"I'm fine," Castiel tries to speak in his normal tone but fails. How long is it going to take for his throat to fully heal? How did humans exist for so long with such frail bodies?

"You sure? Your throat is croakier than normal," Dean frowns. Castiel wonders how Dean could notice the slight change in his voice but not Sam. Perhaps Sam is too busy thinking about the colt to really pay attention to Castiel's wavering voice. Or maybe Dean just knows Castiel more? That thought is possible; he and Dean do share a more profound bond than he does with Sam. When he had first met Sam he was nothing but the demon blood boy, the boy that would ultimately start the apocalypse. It is understandable why Sam doesn't treat him the same way as Dean does, instead keeping his distance when Castiel had done the same to him over the past few months. Of course, Castiel has changed his opinion of Sam and values him highly now but it is doubtful that his friendship with Sam will ever become like his friendship with Dean. He had rebelled from Heaven for Dean after thousands of years simply because Dean had asked him. Castiel still can't quite understand how it had happened, how Dean had become so important to him that he would ultimately sacrifice himself for him.

"Cas?" Dean asks softly, interrupting Castiel's thoughts.

"I," Castiel sighs at the blatant lie he is about to tell Dean, "just killed Zachariah."

"What?!" Sam and Dean shout in unison, both of their faces filled with pure shock.

"He found me, I don't know how and he asked where to find you. I refused of course, we fought and I killed him," Castiel doesn't look at Dean, finding he cannot look at him as he lies.

"You're okay though right?" Dean's eyebrows furrow.

"Yes, most of my injuries to my vessel have healed, although my throat still hasn't completed its healing yet," Castiel says slowly.

"Fuck Cas," Dean breathes out and Castiel lets him drag him to the bed, perching on the edge of it although he is unsure why, “What the fuck did he do to you?"

"It's not of import," Castiel shakes his head.

"Yes it is, what do you mean your throat hasn't healed yet?" Dean growls, looking over Castiel, his hands hovering over Castiel's body, panic in his eyes.

Castiel sighs, "He broke some of the tendons but they are healing."

"Why didn't you tell us?!"

"I was intending to tell you of Zachariah's death when it was appropriate."

"No, I mean, tell us that you'd just been fucking attacked and you were hurt."

"Because they are healing Dean, my vessel is practically back to its usual state now," Castiel replies truthfully. His throat is no longer as painful, it only causing a mild sensation of scratchiness when he breathes or speaks.

"Well, you're staying here until you're fully healed," Dean decides.

"Dean," Castiel sighs. He needs to go see Future Dean and find out more about him but one look at Dean's face tells Castiel that he isn't going anywhere until Dean deems him fit enough. Does Dean really care about him that much? He had thought that Dean had just saw him as an advantageous soldier but the way Dean is acting goes against that. Perhaps Dean  _does_ see him as a friend, something that Castiel hadn't anticipated.

"Cas,” he perches on the bed opposite to Cas, “You're our friend, you're supposed to tell us when you're hurt so we can help you," Dean tells him, like he had read Castiel’s mind.

"Friend?" Castiel asks slowly.

"Yeah, you dumbass," Dean rolls his eyes, "You fucking died to help us, that more than qualifies you to be our friend."

Castiel finds himself smiling. He is Dean's friend. And Sam's.

"I've never had friends before," Castiel replies honestly.

Dean's eyes flash with something that looks like sadness but he quickly masks it with a smile before Castiel can question it, "Yeah, well now you do so get used to it."

Castiel nods, still feeling the smile on his lips, relaxing in the knowledge that he is with friends, not fellow soldiers. Castiel is unsure of how to correctly be someone's friend so he decides that he'll just continue on how he is acting now until he knows any better.

He feels Zachariah's blade in his pocket and makes a realisation, pulling it out and handing it to Dean.

"Cas?" Dean asks warily, taking the blade from him.

"It's Zachariah's blade, you should keep it. It can kill angels and demons," Castiel smiles wryly, realising that he is already setting the future, "You might need it someday."

"Oh," Dean smiles, "Thanks Cas."

"You're welcome Dean," Castiel smiles back.

"I can't believe you killed Zachariah," Dean shakes his head in awe, "even with all your powers cut off."

Castiel casts his eyes downward, not wanting to give away that it wasn't actually him that killed the seraph. Now that he knows Sam and Dean consider him as a friend, the prospect of lying to them only makes him even more uncomfortable. But Dean from the future is also his friend and he knows one thing about friendships, you have to keep your promises.

"You're a fucking badass you know that," Dean grins, his whole face lighting up and Castiel tries to remember when Dean has ever smiled that sincerely before. Castiel decides that he likes Dean's face like this, his eyes crinkling, his soul shimmering in the glow of happiness. Castiel wishes that Dean hadn't had to have endured all the pain he had because if it wasn't for all that pain, Dean would flash that smile so much more.

 


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey," Future Dean smiles from where he’s perched on the double bed, pressing a button on the remote to turn the television off.

"Hello," Castiel says, unsure of how to start the conversation or what to ask first.

"Ask away Cas," Dean gestures for Cas to sit down. Castiel hesitates, but sits next to Dean, ignoring the strange look on Dean's face.

"What time in the future are you from?" Castiel asks, thinking this is an appropriate question to start the conversation with.

"Not as far as you probably think," Dean murmurs and Castiel knows that is all he is going to get from him on the topic. Castiel is starting to see that Future Dean is incredibly exasperating, more so than even present Dean. 

"You said you didn't want to go back to the future, does something happen?" Castiel questions, feeling his heart constrict at the possibility of something terrible such as Sam dying in the future. It would certainly explain the new dark traces on Dean's soul.

Dean stares at Castiel squarely, his voice firm, "I'm not going to let anything bad happen."

Castiel deliberates this. Does this mean that something  _does_ happen, something terrible, and Dean has been sent back to prevent it? Or that Future Dean has always been the one to prevent something, ensuring the bad thing never happens and he already knows this and is just here to do what needs to be done? Castiel feels his head pound. Time travel has always been a disconcerting and confusing subject.

"Yeah, it's confusing, I know," Dean smiles, nudging his shoulder against Castiel. Castiel blinks, looking at Dean curiously. Future Dean seems to be able to read his facial expressions much more than present Dean. Dean raises his eyebrows but doesn't say anything, instead waiting patiently for Castiel to ask another question.

Castiel sits silently for a moment and then asks the question he almost doesn't want to hear the answer to, "Do we defeat Lucifer?"

A flash of pain hits Dean's eyes and for a short terrible moment Castiel thinks he is about to cry but then it's gone so quickly that Castiel wonders if he had imagined it.

Dean smiles softly and whispers, "Yeah, we defeat Lucifer."

Castiel feels his whole body sigh in relief, "How? When?"

Dean sighs, "I don't think I can tell you."

"You don't think?"

"Ugh, you know how fucked up this whole time travel thing is? I don't know what I can and can't tell you. Like, if I don't tell you a certain thing that might stop that thing from ever happening but then again, I can't tell you too much because that would change the future too and I'd probably stop existing or something because my future wouldn't exist anymore!" Dean clenches and unclenches his fingers restlessly, looking away from Castiel, saying softly, "I wish I could tell you everything Cas, more than you can freaking imagine but I just  _can't_ okay."

"It's okay Dean, just tell me what you know you can tell me," Castiel rests his hand on Dean's shoulder, realising that he has placed his hand exactly where his handprint is imprinted onto Dean's skin. He lets his hand stay there comfortingly. This is what friends do isn't it, comfort each other like this? Even if it isn't, Castiel is still going to continue to do so, comforting Dean felt- _nice_ , good even.

Dean's shoulder's droop and he looks at Castiel, his green eyes wide, his lips slightly parted. Castiel abruptly feels the urge to let his hand embrace Dean's cheek, to melt away all the pain in his face, in his soul. The thought both terrifies and comforts him. Surely this isn't what friends are supposed to think about the other? He had only saw lovers touch each other's cheeks like that. Did Castiel see Dean as more than a friend? _No_ , of course not, the thought is preposterous.

Castiel drops his hand from Dean's shoulder, letting it fall heavily on his lap like he's scolding himself.

Dean sighs but asks with a faint smile, "What else do you want to ask?"

Castiel pauses and then asks, hope evident in his voice, "Do I find my Father?"

Dean winces and that is all Castiel has to see to know the answer, "I don't, do I?"

"No you don't," Dean's mouth droops, "I'm sorry Cas."

"So my Father, He," Castiel pauses, not wanting to say it, to admit to his fears, "doesn't care?"

Dean squeezes Cas' arm, "Hey, I didn't say that. I think He does fucking care,  _a lot._ I mean, he saved me and Sam and he freaking brought you back to life because he knew it was the right thing to do. And honestly? I think he may have helped us more than we think."

"You do?" Castiel asks faintly.

"Yes," Dean nods. And Castiel believes him. Present Dean doesn't even legitimately believe in his Father, let alone that He is helping them. The fact that Dean from the future not only believes in his existence but that he  _cares_ about the Earth and who inhabits it calms Castiel. His Father hasn't abandoned him, He is still out there and He  _has_ helped them.

"You should still look for Him though," Dean smiles encouragingly.

"Why would I-" Castiel begins to ask.

"Because while you're looking for your dad, you find someone else who… helps," Dean's eyes twinkle, "Well, at least I think that's how you found them anyway."

"You think, you mean you're not sure?" Castiel tilts his head.

"Well yeah, I don't know whether you've noticed but with this whole time travel thing, it kinda meant that you had to lie to past me a bit so…" Dean shrugs.

"You are okay in the knowledge that I lied to past you?" Castiel asks.

"Yeah, I'm kind of the one who told you to do it," Dean smirks, "its cool, you had to lie for everything to work out the way it did."

Castiel smiles fondly, "Thank you for saving me from Zachariah."

Dean grins, "You're welcome."

"And thank you for saving Sam and past you," Castiel crinkles his nose; he still stands by the notion that time travel is incredibly perplexing.

Dean grins wider, eyes lighting up, "Are you seriously thanking me for saving my own life?"

Castiel feels his lips quirk upwards, "Yes."

"You're such an idiot," Dean chuckles, ruffling Castiel's hair as he stands up, moving over to the mini fridge in the motel room, "Want a beer?"

Castiel considers it and relents, realising he wants to stay in Dean's company, "Yes please."

Dean throws a beer his way and Castiel catches it easily, holding onto it tightly as Dean comes and sits next to him again, "You actually going to drink it or?"

Castiel glares at him and pulls the top of the bottle off, taking a sip pointedly. Dean laughs and takes a sip from his own drink, their shoulders brushing against each other easily. Again, Castiel can't help but like the closeness of Dean, of knowing he is near in his proximity. He can't understand why though, why this has such a calming effect on him when it's something as simple as Dean's shoulder touching his own. 

"Want to watch some shitty TV?" Dean asks, interrupting Castiel's thoughts.

Before Castiel replies that he would very much like that, his phone starts to ring and vibrate in his pocket. The Dean beside him sighs as he picks up the phone and places it to his ear.

"We think we have a demon," present Dean says through the phone.

"Where are you?" Castiel replies instantly. The Dean on the phone tells him and hangs up. Castiel looks at Future Dean beside him, wondering why he suddenly looks so deflated.

"You should go Cas," Dean exhales, taking the bottle from Cas' hand, their fingers accidentally brushing. Dean quickly pulls away, taking a step back, his eyes pained. Castiel wonders what he has done wrong, everything had been going so smoothly and now it seems to be all wrong again.

"Go Cas," Dean mutters, turning his back on Castiel. Castiel opens his mouth to say something, anything that would fix this weird atmosphere but he doesn't know how to fix it. Instead he leaves without a word.

* * *

 

"Hey," Dean nods at Castiel as he appears.

"Dean," Castiel smiles, "Where is Sam?"

"In there with the demon," Dean gestures to the other room.

Castiel steps forward, "You already captured it? I thought we agreed that you wouldn't go after one without me."

Dean puts his hands up as a sign of peace, "We didn't capture it, Bobby did."

"Oh," Castiel replies, suddenly feeling rash.

"As soon as Bobby said he'd got one we called you. Luckily, we were only an hour away from here ourselves."

"Okay."

"Well, you want to go have some fun interrogating a demon?" Dean asks. Castiel looks at him, to ensure that he is okay. Interrogating a demon isn't the same as torture in the pit, but it is very close to it. This surely must remind Dean of Hell, of the things that he had done.

"Will you be okay with this?" Castiel asks softly.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Dean raises his chin, his eyes suddenly guarded. Castiel looks at him and knows that Dean isn't going to admit any of his problems to Castiel. He has difficulty admitting it to his brother who he has known his whole life when he is struggling so he certainly isn't going to tell Castiel. Castiel can only to try and help by not letting Dean do the interrogating, not force him to relive any moments he does not want to. And if forced, Castiel will take Dean elsewhere and let Bobby and Sam interrogate without them.

"Let's go," Castiel walks past Dean and enters into the small room, his eyes immediately falling on the demon located in the middle of the room, tied to a chair, fixed in this position by a devil's trap. Sam and Bobby are at the far end of the room, sorting through different contraptions on a table that will ultimately be used to try and break the demon.

"You're Castiel right? The angel who isn't really much of an angel anymore. Honestly, you should have used your brain a little more before you sided with these idiots. Or do angels not have brains?" the demon cocks his head, black flashing his eyes.

"Why don't you just shut up?" Dean growls from behind Castiel.

"Aw, I think Dean here likes you," the demon pouts before letting out a throaty, hateful laugh.

Castiel walks up to the demon, ignoring his taunts, "Tell us where the colt is."

The demon tilts his head, "The colt? That's what this is about?"

"Tell us all you know," Castiel orders.

The demon laughs, "I'm not going to tell you anything you stupid dick."

Dean is suddenly by his side, throwing holy water at the demon's face. The demon is no longer laughing, his eyes slamming shut as screams fill the room.

Dean grips the demon by his jaw, "Yes you fucking are."

Castiel places a hand on Dean's back, unsure of why, but it seems to make Dean relax. He looks at Castiel, eyes wide, dropping his hand from the demon's jaw, letting it fall heavily to his side.

"Where's the colt?" Sam demands.

"Oh Sam," the demon grins widely, "You trying to fix up all your messes? You know, you're quite the hero in Hell, what with you releasing Lucifer and all."

Sam's jaw clenches and then roughly throws holy water into the demon's eyes and mouth. The demon's eyes widen as he chokes on the water, blood spurting out of his mouth. He shudders, turning so he can glare at Sam.

"You know you're causing a lot of pain to the poor guy that I'm possessing," the demon snarls. Sam falters, looking at Bobby.

"No he's not," Bobby retorted, "I watched you get hit by a truck. The poor bastard that you're possessing is only alive cause you are and I think they'd want us to kill you so they can be set free."

The demon looks at Castiel and shrugs, "Worth a try right?"

"I said where's the colt?" Sam hisses, letting the blade of Ruby's knife cause a slit on the demon's arm. The demon shrieks, panting heavily, but shakes his head in defiance. Sam makes another deeper cut at the nape of the demon's neck.

"Where is the colt?" Sam shouts.

"Lilith had it," the demon snarls.

"We know that but she's dead, so now who has it?" Sam asks, pouring holy water into the cut, the demon screaming.

"I'm not going to tell you," the demon hisses.

"We'll see about that," Bobby smiles grimly, walking over and pouring more holy water onto the demon, the water running down his back, into his ears.

Castiel glances at Dean who is just standing motionlessly, watching the events unravel before him, his fists clenching tightly, fingernails digging into his palms. When Castiel looks at his face he knows he has to get him out of here, his face haunted by what could only be his past, his eyes vacant.

Castiel strides up to him, touches his shoulder and they're out of the room, out of the building.

"What the hell Cas?" Dean turns to him, his voice angry but Castiel can see the relief on his face.

"They can do this without you," Castiel says simply.

Dean deflates, eyes downcast as he mutters, "They shouldn't have to."

"Do you think they would prefer you to be in there with them so you can torment yourself of your past?"

Dean looks up sharply, "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

"Your friend," Castiel says simply.

Dean opens his mouth but shuts it again, sitting down, leaning his back against the building. He closes his eyes, letting his hand brush down his face and Castiel can see Dean's hands are shaking. Castiel wants to hold him, to put his arms around Dean, to comfort him and show him that his past is his past and it should stay that way. He doesn't though, he doesn't even touch him. He knows Dean, knows that when he is in this temperament, he will lash out at the simplest of things to try and deflect from how he is feeling. Instead, Castiel sits down next to him silently, letting Dean know that he is there, that he will always be there.

They stay in silence for twenty minutes, the occasional scream finding its way through the walls. Dean flinches every time it does and Castiel has to remind himself not to reach out for his hand.

Dean suddenly speaks up, voice quiet, "Cas, can I ask you something?"

Castiel looks at him, surprised that Dean is actually speaking to him, acknowledging that he is there. He can only assume that Dean is talking to try and block out the memories and the sounds coming from the building.

"Of course."

Dean doesn't look at Castiel as he asks softly, "You're basically falling right? That's what's happening to you?"

Castiel whispers, "Yes, that is what's happening."

"If you're falling, does that mean you're becoming human?"

Castiel feels his throat burn, "Yes, eventually I'll lose all of my grace. It would take a very long time, compared to human time anyway, but yes, eventually I will become human."

Dean flickers his eyes to Castiel, "But if you become human, what about Jimmy?"

"Jimmy?" Castiel repeats faintly.

"Yeah, cause surely if you become human you can't share a body with another human or can you?"

Castiel doesn't reply. How could he have only just thought about Jimmy? He reaches out for him but he's not there. Castiel looks further, blindly trying to find the vessel's soul within him. He begins to panic when he cannot find him. In fact, he hasn't felt him since he was killed by Raphael. He is just simply not there.

"Cas?" Dean asks, grabbing Castiel by the shoulder.

"I can't- He's not- I can't feel him anymore Dean," Castiel gasps.

"What, you mean he's dead?" Dean grips onto Castiel's shoulders tighter.

"When I died he must have," Castiel struggles for air, "he must have died, his soul must have-"

"Hey, it's okay Cas," Dean soothes.

"No it's not Dean, he was my vessel and now he is dead because of me."

"Hey, maybe that's a good thing, he's not trapped anymore. He's free, enjoying his time in Heaven yeah?" Dean lifts his eyebrows, manoeuvring his head so Castiel is forced to look at him.

"Yes, he will be in Heaven," Castiel murmurs.

"Exactly, he'll be okay up there Cas. And don't you dare feel guilty for this; it wasn't your fault okay? Jimmy agreed to be a vessel and it wasn't you who killed him, it was Raphael, don't you forget that."

Castiel nods slowly before whispering, "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Okay Cas," Dean tightens his hold on Castiel for a short moment before letting go, sitting back against the wall like nothing had happened. Castiel appreciates him not forcing the issue, letting Castiel deal with this alone. Castiel silently sends out a prayer for Jimmy, that he is at peace now. Jimmy was a good man and he doesn't deserve to be in any pain. Perhaps Dean is right, it is better for Jimmy to be dead, to not have to endure Castiel owning his body and not being able to do anything about it. Either way, Jimmy Novak is dead and Castiel cannot do anything to change it, instead he can only move forward and use Jimmy's vessel to try and save the world.

After another five minutes, Sam emerges. He looks down at the two of them with a mixture of concern and surprise.

"Dean, you okay?" Sam frowns.

"He's fine," Castiel replies for him, "what the demon was saying about me and my abilities- it pained me a lot more than I thought it would. So I had to leave, and I selfishly took Dean with me because I didn't want to be alone."

Dean looks at Castiel sharply, his eyes unreadable.

"Hey, its okay Cas, I get it," Sam says, either believing Castiel or pretending to believe him for Dean's sake.

"Do you have the information we need?" Castiel asks, taking his gaze from Dean's.

"According to the demon, a group of Lilith's demon friends in Wyoming have it."

"You have an address?" Dean asks hoarsely.

"We have the whereabouts," Sam frowns, "He said he didn't know the exact location."

"The state is all we need, we'll be able to locate them," Castiel says assuredly.

"What about Lucifer?" Dean asks, looking up at Sam's towering frame.

Sam sighs, "Nothing much on that front, he swears he doesn't even know where he is or even if he's got his vessel yet."

Dean nods, standing up, Castiel following suit.

"Anything else?" Dean questions.

"No, he said he didn't know anything else."

"He dead?" Dean asks gruffly.

"No, not yet," Sam looks at Castiel, "We thought that maybe you'd want to try and smite him. I know that the text said you couldn't but you said you were unsure right? Well, here's your chance at seeing if you can. Even if you can't, we're going to kill him so he won't be able to tell anyone that you're, y'know, not fully charged up."

"I suppose it is worth a try," Castiel says slowly. He doesn't want to go in there and do this because this will finalise it all. Beforehand, he could pretend that he still had his abilities, that he just wasn't using them. But if he walks in there and finds he cannot use them then he can't run away from it anymore. He will have to face facts that he really is falling, that he is no longer a full angel.

Sam nods encouragingly, gesturing for Castiel to go into the building. Castiel takes a deep breath and flies to the room, Bobby calling out in surprise when he appears.

"Could have used the door boy," Bobby chides and Castiel can't help but find amusement from the fact that Bobby is calling him 'boy' when he is thousands of years older than him.

Castiel walks up to the demon, realising that he just wants to get this over and done with and find out, whatever outcome. The demon is a bloody mess, cuts running down his neck, chest and arms, holy water and salt clearly inflicted into the wounds. The demon looks up at him tiredly, only using his eyes to track him slowly, not making any other movement.

Castiel places his palm on the top of the demon's head and already he knows nothing is going to happen. And nothing does. He is powerless. He cannot even smite one demon. He is falling and there is nothing he can do about it.

The demon lets out a gurgled laugh, "Can't kill me huh? What a fucking waste of space you are."

Zachariah's blade is suddenly sticking through the demon's throat, the demon's eyes wide in shock but then dull, his whole body collapsing. Castiel turns sharply to see Dean pull the blade out of the demon's throat.

"Don't you fucking listen to him." Dean says flatly before walking out of the room.


	6. Chapter 6

It's been three days and he hasn't heard from Future Dean.

The day after they had found out about the group of Demons in Wyoming who were supposedly the holders of the colt, the three of them had gone there weapons at the ready. When they had arrived, however, there were only traces of the demons ever being there. They  _had_  been there but had either been alerted to the hunters and angel's plans or simply had moved on.

Now, Dean, Sam and Bobby are trying to find where the demons have gone to next as such a large group of demons like that will surely cause some kinds of demonic omens, even if they are involuntary. Castiel feels restless and considerably useless as he waits for the hunters to find the demons. He has complete faith that they will find them, that they will get the colt but then what? They still don't know where Lucifer is or what his plans are. They don't know how they are going to get close enough to Lucifer to use the colt or whether it will even work.

Over the course of the few days he busies himself with Dean's advice and continues on his search for his Father simply because he is supposed to find someone else on the way that could help them stop Lucifer. He’s trying very hard not to focus too much on the fact that he will never actually find his Father on his search, that he will never find the being that he so badly wants to find, to ask whether he is doing well, whether he is on the right path, whether he has made his Father _proud._

It's been three days of no contact with Future Dean and Castiel finds himself needing it. He wants to see him, to ask him questions, questions that Dean will probably evade but still, Castiel could still ask them and hope that Dean could give him some kind of an answer. And not only that, Castiel finds he just wants to simply see him, to be in the same room as him, to finally have that beer.

For three days Castiel tries to contact Future Dean and he gets no answer. For the first few tries Castiel brushes it off, trying not to panic or to feel perturbed at the lack of answers but by the second day Castiel begins to worry. What if Future Dean had gotten himself hurt? At the back of his mind, the irksome part of his brain, asks whether Future Dean is simply ignoring him because he doesn't want to talk to Castiel, to see him. It disturbs Castiel that he doesn't know which prospect he would prefer.

Castiel realises he has had enough and that he will find Dean even if he doesn't want to be found. He knows the first person he can ask, even if they had once said they didn't know who their ‘helper’ was.

Chuck shrieks, his hands flailing before he properly looks at who the intruder is, asking slowly, "Castiel?"

"You weren’t expecting me?" Castiel asks with a frown.

"I only see your future when you're with Sam or Dean. Other than that, I have no clue what you're up to," Chuck rummages around in the fridge.

"I thought you said some parts of Dean and Sam are hidden to you?" Castiel frowns.

Chuck looks away but not before Castiel can see red hit is cheeks.

"You know that it's Dean don't you?" Castiel infers.

Chuck sighs, looking at Castiel with what Dean would call puppy eyes, "Yes, I knew it was Dean from the future."

"Then why didn't you tell us?"

"Because Sam and Dean can't know and  _you_  had to find out the way you found out," Chuck shouts defensively.

"Why?"

"Because some things have to happen a certain way and Dean from the future is one of them," Chuck explains, stuffing chips into his mouth.

"So I am assuming you won't tell me why he's here or who brought him back to the past?"

Chuck sighs, "No, I can't tell you, sorry."

"Do you know where Future Dean is located at this precise moment?" Castiel asks.

Chuck looks up at him with a frown, "Yeah, course I do."

"Then will you tell me?" Castiel says impatiently.

"Alright, no need to go off on one, I'll tell you where he is."

* * *

 

Castiel finds Dean at a small cabin in the middle of what could be seen as nowhere, hidden in the woods, miles away from other civilisation. Castiel can only assume that this is a hunter's house, possibly Bobby's, a place that a hunter comes to when he is in that area, a place that can be their temporary home. Dean is either squatting here without the owner's knowledge, something that is very likely, or it is owned by a hunter he knows and they wouldn't mind him staying here.

Castiel watches Dean for a moment whose eyes are fixed onto the television screen and Castiel recognises it as the doctor show that Dean seems to like so much. It's strange; Castiel almost doesn't want to interrupt him. He looks content, much more content than present Dean who is too busy worrying about Lucifer and the end of the world. It makes Castiel want to tell present Dean that they _do_ defeat Lucifer, that he needn't worry so much but he knows he cannot, he had promised Future Dean. Castiel sighs because everything is so complicated now.

Dean whips his head around to meet Castiel, his hands hovering over his jeans where he more than likely has a gun. He relaxes when he sees Castiel, but he still seems alert and possibly upset at the surprise call.

"Cas?" Dean asks, eyes wide.

"You have been ignoring my calls," Castiel says dryly.

Dean ignores that and asks, frowning, "How did you find me?"

"Chuck told me," Castiel explains.

"Course he did," Dean mutters, shaking his head.

"What he didn't tell me is why you are avoiding me," Castiel replies, trying to hide the hurt in his voice at the knowledge of Dean clearly not wanting his company.

"I'm not avoiding you!" Dean shouts back oversensitively, standing up to meet Castiel, only a small space between them.

Castiel narrows his eyes, "Dean, just tell me what's going on with you."

Dean sighs and looks down, "I just can't see you alright."

Castiel walks up to Dean, standing even closer than he normally does, "Why not?"

"Because you being here-" Dean starts, looking up at Castiel, his eyes guarded.

"Dean, tell me, please," Castiel appeals because he wants to fix this. He doesn't want to lose Future Dean which is a ridiculous notion because at some point the angels are going to take him back to the future. But that's different, because he knows he will be going to Future Castiel and he won't be alone. Right now though, present Castiel is all Future Dean has and Castiel is not going to let him be alone.

"With you being here, it's difficult for me not to-" Dean trails off, his unblinking eyes not glancing away from Castiel for a second.

"Difficult for you not to what?" Castiel asks.

"For me not to-" Dean starts but cuts himself off as he breaks the small gap between them and lets his lips join Castiel's. Castiel freezes, eyes wide, as Dean rests his hands on his cheeks, his lips brushing against Castiel's gently, Castiel's bottom lip captured between Dean's. For the brief moment their lips are joined, Castiel can't think of anything but. He had never understood the human concept of kisses, had always thought they looked messy and unnecessary but now he understands. Kissing Dean Winchester makes him understand very much so.

Dean breaks the kiss far too quickly, his hands dropping awkwardly to his side as he takes a step back, his eyes wide in horror.

Castiel stares at him, still feeling the sensation of Dean's lips on his own and says plainly, "You kissed me."

Dean groans, letting his head fall, "Fuck Cas, I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry. Just forget it ever happened okay?"

Dean tries to take another step back but Castiel grabs his wrist, not letting him run away from this. Dean still doesn't look at him. Instead, he stares at Castiel's hand around his wrist like it's the most interesting thing in the world.

"Just go, please," Dean pleads.

Castiel asks softly, "Why did you kiss me?"

Dean laughs humourlessly, "Only you would ask why someone would kiss you."

"In the future we are-" Castiel trails off. He doesn't want to say it and be wrong because he knows if he gets this wrong he could ruin everything. But he wants to be right. He hadn't thought of the possibility of this before but now that it is dangling before him he wants to be right, oh how he wants to be right.

Dean whispers, "Yeah we are. But that doesn't mean that we have to-"

It's Castiel's turn to cut Dean off as he steps into Dean, hitting his lips against Dean's, their noses bumping against each other. Castiel doesn't know how to kiss, how to do any of this but he will try. He parts his mouth slightly and Dean's tongue finds the inside of his mouth, flicking against Castiel's. Dean's hands are in Castiel's hair, pulling Castiel further into the kiss. Castiel's hands somehow have discovered Dean's waist, his hands resting gently. Castiel watches Dean for a moment, noting that Dean’s eyes are closed. Castiel copies, shutting his eyes and only focussing on Dean's mouth, on his hands trailing the back of Castiel's head.

Dean breaks the kiss, breathing heavily, looking at Castiel with what looks like surprise, his hands having not left Castiel's hair.

"I would like us to be together  _now_ , not just in the future" Castiel mutters, his breath surprisingly unsteady, his heart beating hard in his chest. This is what Dean does to him.

Dean nods silently then takes a step back, much to Castiel's confusion. He must have seen Castiel's face because he smiles, taking Castiel's hand in his, leading him to the sofa. Dean sits down and pulls at Castiel to join him. Castiel goes to sit next to him, feeling awkward because he's never been in this situation before and it's all so new and he doesn't know what to do. Dean seems to understand though, pulling at Castiel so he's sitting on top of him, Castiel straddling Dean's hips.

"That's better," Dean smiles, his whole face lighting up as he leans in to kiss Castiel again. Castiel lets Dean lead, lets him pull him in tighter so their chests are touching, Castiel feeling Dean's warm breath on his skin. Dean lets their lips collide, slow and steady at first, like he's testing the waters, checking to make sure that Castiel really wants this, that he's not going to fly away.

Castiel isn't going to fly away.

Dean’s mouth wanders and kisses Castiel's neck, Castiel finding himself whimpering slightly at the feel of it. Dean breaks free then and chuckles softly against Castiel's neck.

"What?" Castiel asks, wondering what he's done wrong because this is all new and he doesn't want to do anything wrong, doesn't want Dean to change his mind.

"Nothing, it's just, we're on the sofa, you're fucking straddling me and you're still wearing your freaking trench coat," Dean's eyes crinkle as he looks at Castiel affectionately, then turning his gaze to Castiel's trench coat pointedly.

"Oh, is that a problem?" Castiel looks down at the trench coat he never takes off, never having needed to before.

"No," Dean pecks Castiel on the lips, "it's just so-  _you,_ to still wear the trench coat when we're doing this. It's just- I've missed this."

Dean's face tightens at the last sentence, a smile on his face but it appears stretched and it’s only then that Castiel understands how difficult it must have been for Dean to be taken from Castiel in the future, who was with him entirely, to be placed here where he thought Castiel wouldn't want him. The thought just makes Castiel want to prove to Dean how wanted he is even more.

Castiel lets his hands fall around Dean's neck as they kiss, Dean's arms still wrapped around Castiel's waist tightly. Castiel can feel himself melting into the kiss, just feeling Dean and only Dean and Castiel realises that it's always been this way. It's always just been Dean. Ever since he was the one to find Dean in Hell, like God had planned it all along, it had always been about Dean, even when it wasn't supposed to be.

"It's always been you," Castiel whispers into Dean's neck.

Dean kisses Castiel's neck in reply, "It'll always be you Cas."

"Why?"

Dean pulls back to look at Castiel, a look of clear confusion on his face, "What do you mean _why_?"

"Why would you want to be with me?" Castiel mutters and he can see by the hurt look on Dean's face that this is the wrong question to ask. But he needs to know. He knows why it has always been Dean for him. Admittedly, Dean is the most infuriating man he has ever met, he drinks too much, swears all the time, but none of that matters to Castiel. Castiel can see Dean's soul; see his beauty, his pure goodness. Ever since he had saw that soul in hell, the purity of it surrounded by guilt and shame and hate, he knew that he was lost, that Dean Winchester would be the beginning and end for him. Yes, he knew why it was and always will be Dean but why would Dean want Castiel like this?

"Because it's  _you_ Cas. I mean, you saved me, and not just from Hell, from everything. You just saved me," Dean smiles, "After thousands of years you chose Earth, you chose me, over Heaven, over your own brothers and sisters. You chose humanity."

"So you are doing this as a return for that?" Castiel's heart hurts and he suddenly has the urge to leave. He doesn't want Dean to just be with him because he feels owed.

"What? No!" Dean shakes his head, "What do you fucking take me for?"

Castiel stays silent, letting his fingers fiddle with the collar of Dean's t-shirt.

"I'm not doing this a favour, fucking hell Cas. You know what I've done for other people who've saved my life? Got them a freaking beer and said thanks. I mean, sure, I want to be with you because of those things but there's other things as well."

"Like what?" Castiel feels himself relaxing again into Dean again.

"Well, for starters, because you're the most fucking annoying person I've ever met. You don't get sarcasm, the jokes you do make are freaking terrible, you don't know good music or good films, you don't stop staring  _ever,_ you live in that trench coat for no damn reason but you know what the most annoying thing about you is?"

"What?" Castiel can feel his own lips quirking upwards.

"That all those things just make me fucking want you more, that they all just pile up and all of them together makes you, like, the perfect person for me which doesn't even fucking make sense."

"When has your life ever made sense?"

Dean grins, "Good point."


	7. Chapter 7

They spend the rest of the night attempting to watch a film but Dean's lips keep finding Castiel's, not that Castiel minds of course. They don't further from kissing and Castiel can't decide whether that is his or Dean's decision, possibly both of theirs. It’s not that Castiel doesn't want to further it at some point into something more but it's their first night of actually being  _together_ and kissing is enough for now, tasting Dean, feeling his tongue slide against his lips. Yes, just being there with Dean, being able to reach out and let his lips glide against his is more than enough for Castiel.

Near the end of the film, Dean somehow finds his way on top of Castiel, his head resting against Castiel's chest, Castiel's arms wrapped around him tightly so he won't fall. It doesn't take long before Dean falls asleep, soft snores occasionally escaping his lips. Castiel wonders whether he should move Dean to the bed and leave but Dean looks comfortable where he is, a small content smile on his lips so Castiel decides to keep Dean in his arms. Castiel can't help but watch Dean sleep. It's one of the few times where Dean looks fully at peace, no worries of the apocalypse or of Sam on his mind; he's simply free of all worrying thoughts. Briefly, Castiel wonders whether Dean would be annoyed at Castiel watching him sleep all night, deeming it 'creepy' but Castiel finds he doesn't really care. Holding Dean in his arms just reminds him that yesterday had happened, that they had crossed the line from friendship into something more, not that Castiel knows what that 'something more' is but Castiel doesn't care about human labels. All he cares about is that he is happy and so is Dean as far as he can tell.

His phone breaks the silence, vibrating softly in Castiel's jacket. Castiel rummages around, feeling for his pocket, careful not to wake Dean or accidentally push him off and finds it is present Dean calling him. He can't help feel confused and slightly guilty. He had spent the night kissing Future Dean and present Dean had no idea. Should Castiel feel guilty about that? He doesn't really know. Although, Future Dean seems to be more than okay with kissing him so surely that means he's fine with the prospect of his past self having no idea?

"Cas?" an aggravated Dean asks on the phone.

"Yes?"

"Get here _now_. We're at the same motel as you left us. Just get here."

Dean hangs up the phone and Castiel sits there for a moment, a feeling of anxiety rising in his body. This doesn't sound good at all.

"Dean," Castiel nudges Dean gently, "Dean, wake up."

Dean wakes up instantly on high alert but relaxes when he sees there is no danger, that it is just Castiel.

"Dean, I have to go," Castiel murmurs regretfully.

Dean leans up, kisses Castiel softly on the lips and says "Okay, I'll be here."

Dean untangles himself from Castiel and gets off the sofa and goes to walk away but turns back, holding onto Castiel's wrist, "Whatever happens, don't feel guilty okay? And try and make past me and Sammy not feel guilty."

Castiel's stomach recoils, "What are you talking about?"

Dean doesn't answer, instead kisses his forehead, "You should go Cas."

Castiel hesitates but nods and flies away to meet present Dean and Sam. Castiel feels his heart drop when he sees Sam sitting there forlornly, Dean pacing the motel room angrily. Something terrible has clearly happened and Castiel almost doesn't want to hear it. What had Future Dean said?  _Don't feel guilty._

"What's happened?" Castiel tries to sound as calm as possible.

Dean glares at him, like everything is his fault, "Look at the fucking news."

Castiel wordlessly turns on the television. It’s already on the news channel, a woman frantically speaking, her words jumbling as she tries to do her job but clearly struggling with it.

_Oh no._

" _Across the globe, there have been reportedly ten earthquakes, ranging from a magnitude of five to nine. It has not yet been determined how many casualties there are in total but it has been estimated to be in its thousands. It is unsure how-_ "

Castiel turns off the television, feeling his hands shaking. He can't hear any more, can't think about all of those people dead.

"Lucifer has his vessel," Castiel says flatly.

"You fucking think?" Dean spits out.

This is all their fault. All _Castiel's_ fault. He could have prevented this, he could have stopped this from happening. If he had just not released Sam from the panic room none of this would have happened.  _He_  did this.

"What do we do?" Sam whispers.

Castiel forces himself to speak, swallowing heavily, "There is nothing we can do apart from find the colt and hope that that can kill Lucifer."

"Why should we even fucking listen to you? This is all your brothers and sisters fault," Dean walks up to Castiel threateningly, his fists clenching as he does so. Castiel doesn't argue because it is  _his_ fault.

"No Dean, it's my fault," Sam murmurs, the pain clearly evident in his voice.

_'Try and make past me and Sammy not feel guilty.'_

Castiel walks up to Sam, ignoring Dean's threatening stance, placing a hand on his shoulder causing Sam to look up in surprise.

"This is not your fault Sam and neither is it yours Dean," Castiel glances at Dean at this.

"I never said it was my fucking fault did I?" Dean growls.

"Yes but I know you're thinking it," Castiel points out. Dean raises his eyebrows but doesn't say anything, his fists unclenching. Castiel can only assume that is a good thing.

Castiel tries to brush aside his guilt and grief of all the humans that have died due to him and instead focuses on the task at hand, knowing that it will make Sam and Dean think about something else, "Where are we on the demons that have the colt?"

Neither say anything so Castiel says, louder this time, "I said, where are we on the demons that have the colt?"

"Last night there were demonic signs all over Ohio, mainly in Delaware. We were just about to call you and tell you about it but then," Sam gulps, "Then we saw the news."

"Perhaps Lucifer knows that we are on to the demons that have the colt, knows that we are closing in on killing him so he used the earthquakes as an attempt to distract us," Castiel realises.

"So what, you're saying is it _is_ our fault that all those people died?" Dean shouts.

"Dean, you have to  _calm down,_ I'm not saying it is for definite, I'm saying it is a possibility. Lucifer may not even know we  _exist_ , let alone that we are trying to  _kill_ him," Castiel says composedly. It's more difficult now to not reach out and touch him, hold his hand to try and comfort him now that he has passed that barrier with Future Dean.

"So you're saying that we should go to Delaware?" Sam asks.

"Yes, I am certain that we'll be able to find the demons and extract the colt from them."

"Yeah, but how are we going to find them there? They're not exactly going to have signs pointing them out and what if they've already moved on?"

Castiel is about to reply when Dean's phone beeps. Dean sighs before looking down at his phone, his eyebrows instantly furrowing, "I don't fucking believe it."

"What?" Sam cringes, already expecting the worst.

Dean snarls into a grin, "Our very own S _uperman_ has just text us giving us the exact co-ordinates to the demons."

Castiel's heart warms, taking a small sense of enjoyment that present Dean is calling his future self Superman, although he doesn't know the context, or who Superman even is, "Isn't that a good thing?"

"You know what? No it fucking isn't. Whoever this person is seems to know exactly what's about to happen right?"

"Right," Castiel says, unsure of where this is going.

"Then why didn't he fucking warn us that  _thousands_ of people were going to die?"

Castiel stays silent. Why  _hadn't_ Future Dean told him? He'd warned him not to feel guilty but he hadn't told him why. He hadn't mentioned a thing about this, not last night or today. Future Dean had known this was going to happen but hadn't told Castiel a thing. Why hadn't Dean warned him?

Castiel realises, "Even if he had told us we wouldn't have been able to stop it."

"We could have tried," Dean shouts.

"No we couldn't. All of the earthquakes across the country happened within an hour Dean. What would we have done? We couldn't have moved that many people across the world in time to save them. We couldn't have warned them because no-one would have believed us. If D-“ Cas recovers quickly, neither of the boys having noticed his slip up, “If the person on the phone would have warned us about it, it would have just meant that we knew in advance that all those people were going to die and not being able to do a thing to stop it."

"He's right Dean," Sam says. Dean closes his eyes and exhales loudly and slowly but eventually nods.

"Okay, so shall we go to the demons?" Castiel asks.

Sam nods, though unsure, "Yeah, but there's going to be a few of them right? I mean, we have one knife against them all."

"No we don't remember, Cas has his blade and I have Zach's," Dean orders, picking up the bag of weapons that he clearly packed the night before, before they had watched the news. Castiel wishes that Future Dean would have warned him so he could have been here for the boys, at least being there as comfort. But would the boys have even wanted that? And if Future Dean would have told him, last night would never have happened. Having two Dean's and caring for them both hurt Castiel's head.

"So we all have a weapon," Sam muses, "Guess it's not going to be  _too_ difficult then but we're still going to have to be quick."

"You've still got your wings right?" Dean asks, waiting for Castiel to nod before adding, "So you're quicker than us. You can flit around between the demons, killing them way faster than me or Sam."

"Yes," Castiel nods, "While I am killing the demons, you should try and locate the colt. They will have it in their possession so it will be in the building somewhere."

Dean nods in approval, "That okay Sammy?"

"Yeah, let’s go," Sam stands next to Dean, Ruby's blade in his hand, Zachariah's blade in Dean's.

Castiel takes them around the corner from the building, somewhere where the demons won't be able to see them. He supresses a smile when, even now, Sam's face flushes with surprise at being flew to locations. Castiel doubts Sam will ever get used to it.

"Hold on," Castiel tells them, placing a hand up to tell them to hold still and then he focuses on his grace, trying to pull it out to use. His grace pushes against him, squirming away from his grasp and Castiel fights the urge not to shout out in frustration.

"What are we waiting for?" Dean asks dubiously, obviously already in his fighter's frame of mind.

"I was seeing whether I could use my ability to be concealed to the naked eye but it appears that that is one of my powers that I am no longer able to use," Castiel mutters, trying to keep the grief from his voice. Now is not the time to be focusing on Castiel's waning grace.

"Wait, so you used to be able to be invisible?" Sam opens his mouth in surprise.

"Yes, but not anymore."

"Can we focus on the task at hand please?!" Dean shouts at them both.

"Yes, of course, my apologies. There are twenty demons in total. I can feel their presence but I cannot locate where they exactly are in the building."

"Shit," Dean breathes out before saying determinedly "Well, let's just go in, all guns blazing. I mean, Superman wouldn't have sent us here if he thought we were going to get completely murdered right?"

"No," Castiel says reassuringly, he at least knows that Dean survives this and he is most definitely going to ensure that Sam does too. Besides, Future Dean wouldn't have sent them to this location if Sam were to be injured by coming here.

"Okay, fly us in then Cas," Dean smiles faintly at Castiel and Castiel knows that their previous altercation is forgotten.

Castiel nods and flies them to the third floor of the building which is the top floor, in a room where there are no demons.

"Work from here to the bottom floor," Castiel whispers as quietly as possible. Dean and Sam nod, looking around them in case there is any hiding places for the demons to have put the colt. Castiel leaves them, flitting between the rooms of the top floor. It is not until the last room that he finds a demon, relaxed onto a chair, a television screen telling the news of the earthquakes and Castiel is horrified to hear the demon chuckle throatily. Castiel moves quickly and before the demon can shout out, Castiel has his hands around the demon's neck, cutting off his air supply. The demons eyes flash black as he tries to claw his way from Castiel which makes Castiel privately thank his Father for still letting him keep his angelic strength.

"Where's the colt?" Castiel hisses.

The demon just claws some more, his fingernails scraping across Castiel's face.

"You have ten seconds to inform me where the colt is. If not, I will kill you," Castiel warns, already feeling blood seep from the scratches on his face.

"No," the demon manages to gasp out so Castiel pushes the blade into the demon's neck, knowing that it will hurt. He prays for the human who the demon had possessed, hoping they are at peace in Heaven.

He turns to find Sam and Dean standing in the doorway, waiting for Castiel.

"It's not up here dude, all the rooms are empty," Dean whispers, his eyes slightly pained as he looks at Castiel although Castiel is unsure why until he feels the blood fall from his face. The demon had clawed deeply but Castiel knows he will survive from a slight scratch.

Castiel just nods in reply to Dean and gestures them to follow him down the stairs. It is then that they are ambushed by fifteen demons, their eyes black in anger. Castiel surges forward, hoping that Sam and Dean can handle themselves, relying on that fact. He stabs demon after demon efficiently, hearing Sam and Dean fighting with the demons behind him.

It's at this point that he sees the colt, placed indifferently on a table at the far end of the room. Castiel doesn't even have time to think about how truly idiotic these demons are, that they would place something so sacred out in the open like that, as he flits to the colt, placing it in his pocket quickly.

A demon pushes him from behind, Castiel's head hitting the wall forcefully, denting the wall with a crack. Castiel turns swiftly, the demon throwing hard punches his way and Castiel feels his nose break yet again. Castiel swings blindly with his blade and luckily scrapes the demon in the stomach causing him to stagger back screaming. Castiel rushes forward, hitting the demon in the heart this time, the demon dropping to the ground quickly. Two demons are on him instantly, one finding his way behind him, holding his shoulders still as the other demon pushes a knife into his abdomen. A white hot pain bursts through his stomach and he cries out unwillingly, thrashing against the demon. He pulls out of the demons grasp and somehow manages to kill the two demons in his blind rage, his blade drenched in blood. It is only then that he fully feels the effects of his wound, his head swimming as he loses blood fast. He falls to his knees realising he can't fight any more. If a demon were to attack him now, he would fall to the floor and let them.

"A little help Cas!" Dean shouts frantically from the other room.

Castiel snaps his eyes open and forces himself to stand. He ignores the pure sense of utter pain and forces himself to run into the other room, seeing Dean and Sam grappling away demons with their blade and knife, trying to push away any demons from getting too close. Castiel surges forward, killing the demons alongside Sam and Dean, stabbing them with the blade harshly, body after body falling until there are none left standing. Castiel knows it is only his undeterred angelic strength that allows him to do so.

"Son of a bitch," Dean growls and Castiel, his heart thudding worriedly, can hear the pain in Dean's voice, knows that he is injured.

Castiel wraps the trench coat around him to try to conceal the deep wound in his stomach before turning around to face Dean who is holding his shoulder. He strides over, feeling his intestines bleed out but ignoring it because he needs to heal Dean. He will worry about himself later.

"You got the colt?" Dean asks.

"Yes," Castiel manages to say, his breathing heavy. He can only try and make Dean and Sam think it's purely down to fighting, rather than him being injured.

He places a quivering hand over Dean's shoulder, ignoring Dean's wince and heals him.

Nothing happens.

"I- I can't heal you," Castiel gasps, recoiling back.

Dean soothes, "Hey, its okay Cas, just take us back to the motel alright? Sam can fix me up, it's okay."

Castiel flies them to the motel, leaving the colt with them and before Dean and Sam can realise that they've been transported he departs, using his last bout of energy to go where he so needs to be.

_Dean._


	8. Chapter 8

"Dean?" Castiel manages to gasp out as he arrives at the cabin, looking around wildly for him because he needs him to be here.

_Please let him be here Father._

"Cas?" Dean calls out panicked and Castiel suddenly feels strong arms supporting him, "What happened?"

"D-D-Demons," Castiel manages to say before collapsing to his knees. Dean holds onto him tightly so they fall slowly, Castiel resting his forehead against Dean's shoulder, his eyes fluttering. He's finding it dangerously difficult to not collapse entirely, to let his mind wander, anything to stop the constant wave of pain.

"It’s okay Cas, it's going to be okay," Dean murmurs, "I'm just going to get your coat and jacket off okay, then we'll get your shirt off and I'll sort you out. You're going to be fine Cas, trust me."

"O-okay," Castiel lets out a wrecked sob because he's never been this hurt before, not when his grace is depleting and it takes so long to heal. He lets himself focus on Dean's constant murmurs of comfort as he slowly gets Castiel out of his coat and jacket which is a struggle as Castiel doesn't want to take his hands off his wound, terrified that his intestines are going to fall out which Castiel knows is a ridiculous notion but he can't help deliriously think it. After Dean's coaxing Castiel lets his arms fall to his side, letting his head still rest against Dean's chest, his only way of support as Dean pulls his coat and suit jacket off. Next off is the shirt and Dean doesn't even attempt to undo the buttons, he just rips it off. It's then that Castiel knows it's really bad, that this wound would have killed a human by now.

"Okay, I'm going to carry you to the bed now, it might hurt a bit but as soon as we're there you won't have to move again," Dean tells him, before draping an arm around his waist, one under Castiel's knees. He scoops Castiel up, holding him as Castiel has seen grooms carry their new wives. A sharp stab of pain completely overtakes Castiel as Dean picks him up and he only faintly hears Dean's apologies as he carries him, laying him carefully onto the bed.

"Okay, I'm just going to take a look now. Just focus on my voice and try and not to sleep okay?" Dean murmurs, Castiel feeling cold fingers touch his skin tentatively before Dean's voice cracks, "Cas, it's gone straight through your organ, I don't- I don't-"

Castiel forces himself to speak, having to take deep breaths after every other word, "Just stitch up the skin, my grace will heal it eventually. I just need you to stitch it; it'll start the process of healing."

"Okay, okay," Dean whispers, rummaging around in his bag, a needle and thread already at hand, "I'm just going to clean it up and then I'll stitch it. Everything's going to be fine Cas, I'm going to fix it for you and everything is going to fine."

Dean tentatively wipes the wound, mopping up the incessant blood, causing Castiel to cry out. If he had any energy left he would have struggled against him but he finds he has none so he has no choice but to lie there as Dean cleans the blood from him, every wipe causing him to hiss out in pain.

"Okay, now I'm going to stitch you up, this might hurt a little okay but stay with me Cas," Dean starts to stitch Castiel up, slowly and methodically. Throughout it, Castiel wants to scream or pass out but he focus on Dean's constant voice, useless phrases such as 'I've got you' and 'You're going to be okay' soothing Castiel in a way he didn't think it would.

After what feels like hours Dean says, "Okay, I've stitched you up, I'm just going to clean it and then it'll heal right?"

"Y-Yes," Castiel gasps, "My-My grace will heal it."

Dean nods, cleaning up the now stitched up wound and Castiel tries his hardest not to cry out in pain, finding it very difficult not to do so because it  _hurts_.

"I'm just going to clean up your face now, okay Cas?" Dean says, his voice still shaking.

"My face?" Castiel asks confused. What's wrong with his face?

"Yeah, you've got a couple of scratches and I think your nose is broken," Dean says softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. Now that Dean mentions it, Castiel can feel the pain and blood on his face. He had been too preoccupied with his stab wound that he had forgotten about the wounds inflicted elsewhere. When he now has time to think about it, he is surprised that the wounds on his face are still there but Castiel supposes that his waning grace is focusing on the wound in his stomach, rather than inferior scratches and a broken bone.

"This is going to hurt a bit," Dean winces, slowly wiping at Castiel's face, letting his free hand grasp onto Castiel's. Castiel holds tightly, trying to block out the pain, focusing on Dean's tight grip instead. It is surprisingly over much quicker than Castiel thought it would be and Castiel feels his whole body relax onto the bed, his head tilting back slightly in relief.

"I'm just going to clean this all up but I'll be right back okay?" Dean murmurs. Castiel nods and resentfully let's go of Dean's hand. Dean is only gone for a minute, obviously discarding the bloody materials and equipment as quickly as possible so he can be back to Castiel but even a minute is too long for Castiel.

"Dean?" Castiel croaks out.

"I'm here Cas, I'm here," Dean soothes as Castiel feels the bed sink slightly as Dean half sits, half lies next to Castiel, "How are you feeling now?"

"B-Better, I'm still in pain but you stitching up the skin has seemed to trigger the healing process. Thank you Dean," Castiel utters and it’s true. The white hot pain is still burning from the wound but it seems to have depleted. Castiel can already feel his grace starting to try and knit back his intestines.

Dean strokes Castiel's dampened hair softly, "What happened Cas?"

"The demons, when we were trying to get the colt."

"How come I can't remember you getting injured? I mean, you had scratches and a broken nose but you didn't- you weren't stabbed like this," Dean says and Castiel can vaguely hear the pain evident in his voice.

"That's because I hid it from present you and Sam," Castiel widens his eyes at the thought and tries to sit up, ignoring his body's protests, "Sam and Dean, they were injured, I have to- I have to-"

Dean gently nudges him back to a lying position, "They're fine Cas, trust me, they're fine. Just focus on yourself right now okay?"

Castiel wordlessly nods and Dean's fingers find Castiel's hair again, fingers absentmindedly curling a lock of Castiel's hair, "Why didn't you tell them you were injured?"

"Because I didn't want them to have to fuss over me when they were injured themselves."

"Cas, you should have told them. They would have helped you, they're your  _friends_ and they would be pissed if they knew that you were this hurt and that you didn't tell them. In fact, I'm a little pissed that you didn't tell past me, I would have helped you y'know," Dean mutters.

Castiel forces his eyes to open to look up at Dean, seeing his eyebrows furrowed, his lips pressed together in worry, "I'm sorry Dean."

"It's okay; don't worry about it now," Dean kisses Castiel's hair gently, "Just focus on getting better."

"I-I just wanted to see you," Castiel murmurs tiredly.

Dean smiles softly, "Yeah, well I wanted to see you too but not exactly with your guts falling on the floor… But I guess beggars can't be choosers right?"

Castiel sighs, closing his eyes again, enjoying the feel of Dean's fingers in his hair. It almost stops him from feeling the pain from his stomach, his grace working hard against the wound. Castiel tries to shift further to Dean, to be able to feel him next to him but this only causes him to hiss out in pain, his whole body tensing up.

"Don't try and move Cas," Dean says, noticeably moving closer to him, their bodies now brushing against each other, soothing Castiel. He just needs to know that Dean is there and he's not going to leave him.

Dean mutters, "I wouldn't have sent you guys there if I would have known you got hurt like this."

Castiel turns his head and looks at Dean questionably, "Yes but then we wouldn't have gotten the colt."

Dean frowns, "Yeah, but you're more important than the colt. We would have got it some other way without you getting hurt."

Castiel smiles, "We would have probably found the demons without your text, though it would have taken longer."

Dean sighs, "Yeah, I guess you're right but still..."

Castiel reaches blindly for Dean's free hand, Dean seeming to know what he wants as he slides his fingers with Castiel's, letting his thumb brush against Castiel's reassuringly. Castiel closes his eyes and exhales, finally feeling at ease.

"You should try and get some sleep Cas," Dean whispers into Castiel's neck, causing Castiel's skin to prickle.

"Angels don't sleep," Castiel says instantly but even he knows it's a lie. He's not really an angel any more is he? Today just proves that. He's stuck between the realms of being a human and an angel and if this was any other time where he could properly focus on his thoughts, he would have upset himself with that thought.

"Humour me then," Dean kisses the Cas’ temple, still holding onto Castiel's hand tightly.

"Humour you?" Castiel crinkles his nose.

He hears Dean laugh gently, "Just go to sleep Cas."

"You'll be here?" Castiel whispers, feeling like he shouldn't be so reliant on Future Dean because he's going to leave at some point, the angels are going to take him away and Castiel will have to deal with that. Getting closer to him will surely just make that process more difficult.

"I'm not going anywhere Cas," Dean promises, "I'll be right here."

Yes, getting closer to Dean is going to make it more difficult to say goodbye but Castiel finds he doesn't care about the future, he only cares that Dean is right here with him now and that's all that matters.

* * *

 

Castiel wakes to Dean's watchful gaze. He almost points out that if it were the other way around Dean would view it as 'creepy' but then he realises that perhaps Future Dean isn't as uncomfortable about this than present Dean. Future Dean is accepting of much more things than present Dean, noticeably the fact that this Dean  _kisses_ him, an idea that Castiel still struggles with because how did present Dean somehow turn into this Dean?

"Morning," Dean brushes his lips against Castiel's, "How are you feeling?"

Castiel contemplates this for a moment. He can automatically feel that his face has healed, his nose back to its normal state. He focuses on the wound instead and lets his grace reflect against it. Calm overtakes him when he finds that most of it has healed, his intestines back to their usual state. It is only the skin that hasn't healed yet but he can feel his grace working against it now, slowly cleaning up Dean's stitches.

"Much better, thank you," Castiel smiles at Dean, "It's only the skin that needs to heal now."

Dean lets out a sigh of relief, resting his forehead against Castiel's, his voice small, "You know you really scared me last night."

"My apologies," Castiel murmurs, letting his hand rest against the back of Dean's neck, pulling him into a kiss. He lets his tongue glide into Dean's mouth and he can't help but feel a tiny sense of satisfaction in that Dean moans into his mouth, his hands trailing down Castiel's naked chest.

Dean leans down a little and kisses Castiel's neck, letting his tongue flicker out, nibbling gently on Castiel's pressure point. Castiel doesn't even try and stop the pleased moan escape his lips as he wraps his arms around Dean, pulling him in tighter. It is only when he tries to pull Dean on top of him that Dean breaks free.

"Cas, you're still injured, I don't want to hurt you," Dean says between kisses on Castiel's jaw.

"Then why are you teasing me?" Castiel growls.

Dean chuckles into his neck, "I'm not teasing."

"Yes you are," Castiel groans as Dean nibbles on his ear, his hands tracing Castiel's nipples.

"What do you want baby?" Dean murmurs closely to Castiel's ear. Castiel shivers, oddly liking Dean's nickname for him, knowing that it's Dean’s way of showing affection.

"I-I don't know. I don't know how-" Castiel blushes, "I don't know how this all works Dean."

Dean glances up at him, most likely seeing how uncomfortable Castiel feels, so he leans forward and kisses Castiel gently on the lips, holding his face in his hands. He looks down at Castiel with apologetic eyes.

"I'm sorry Cas, I forgot that you're new to this," he kisses Castiel again and smiles softly, "It's just, in the future you were so sure of everything but I guess you learned that all from me, huh? At the time, I did wonder how you seemed to know everything."

Castiel traces his fingers down Dean's back, not saying anything, not knowing what to say.

Dean laughs, "God, our relationship is kind of fucked up isn't it? I mean, I teach you everything you know and then I send you on your merry way to past me who has no clue whatsoever."

"Do you mind?" Castiel asks, worried that Dean is going to pull away and stop this.

"No," Dean replies instantly, "I mean, sure, it would look kind of fucked up to everyone else but it's me and you, we're used to strange situations and this  _is_ really strange but I don't care. Do you care?"

"No," Castiel murmurs, "As long as you don't."

Dean nods and kisses him again, this time more forcefully, his tongue finding Castiel's mouth, his breath warming Castiel's. His hands slide down Castiel's chest, before he lets them rest over the top of Castiel's pants, letting his thumb glide against Castiel's crotch.

"Dean," Castiel moans, his eyes wide, jerking his hips up to Dean's touch.

"I've got you," Dean murmurs, kissing Castiel's collarbone, "I'm going to take real good care of you baby."

Castiel's eyes flutter shut as Dean continues to trace Castiel's cock with his thumb. He leaves trails of kisses down Castiel's chest, sucking on Castiel's nipples before he carries on downwards, kissing Castiel's stomach to just above the hemline of Castiel's trousers. He removes his hand from Castiel, causing Castiel to whimper slightly because he needs Dean's touch, he _craves_ it. Dean pulls at Castiel's trousers, tugging them down to just above his knees. Gently, he kisses just below the hemline of Castiel's boxers, sucking gently on Castiel's inner thigh.

"Dean," Castiel calls out, wanting more.

"I’ve got you Cas," Dean murmurs, slowly pulling down Castiel's boxers, releasing Castiel's half hard dick. He kisses Castiel's inner thigh again, letting his fingernails dig in before looking up at Castiel. Whatever Dean sees in Castiel, it seems to spur Dean on as he lets his tongue glide against Castiel's length. Castiel arches his head back and groans in pleasure. He has never felt this way before and he wants _more._

Dean does it again, letting his tongue slide against Castiel, before taking the tip of Castiel in his mouth, letting his tongue feel every part. He looks up at Castiel, his pupils blown, his lips swollen and Castiel can only assume he looks the same to Dean. With that, Dean takes in more of Castiel, his cheeks sunken in as he sucks on Castiel. Castiel can vaguely hear himself shouting Dean's name as he bucks his hips, pushing himself further into Dean, grasping onto Dean's hair for something to hold on to. Dean takes the rest of him, letting his mouth glide up and down, his tongue licking Castiel as he moves, holding onto Castiel's hip bones. Castiel can't help but thrust his hips up to Dean every time Dean pulls back slightly because he needs all of him to be in Dean's mouth, to feel Dean's tongue on every part of him.

"Dean, I'm going to- I think I'm going to-" Castiel moans, gripping Dean's hair tighter. Dean withdraws his mouth, quickly replacing it with his hand, jerking Castiel in quick short motions. His mouth finds Castiel's, kissing him roughly, teeth and tongues hitting against each other and Castiel shouldn’t find it so arousing that he can taste himself on Dean's lips but he does anyway.

 It's not long before Castiel comes, moaning into Dean's mouth, his whole body being hit with pleasure, a pleasure he has never felt before. It seems to overtake every fibre of his being, his body shuddering under Dean's grasp, panting into Dean's neck. Dean continues to softly stroke him, helping Castiel come down from his high. Castiel wraps his arms around Dean's, forgetting about his stitches, pulling him in so his head is resting on Castiel's chest. Dean lets his hands lazily glide against Castiel's chest and ribs, fingertips barely touching skin.

"You enjoy that angel?" Dean asks, kissing his chest lightly.

"Yes," Castiel pants, holding Dean tightly, not wanting to ever let go.

Dean pulls away slightly to kiss the corner of Castiel's mouth, "I need to kind of admit something to you."

"What?" Castiel asks.

"Don't hate me okay?"

"I could never hate you," Castiel replies instantly, letting his fingers trace over Dean's lips, "Especially not after that."

Dean smirks, "Well, don't be mad at me."

"Why would I be mad at you?"

Dean says sheepishly, his fingers tracing circles on Castiel's chest, "Well, last night past me kind of called you a couple of times to make sure you were okay. I mean, you did just drop them off at the motel with the colt and then fly off so yeah, he called and text you and I kinda pretended to be you and text back saying you were fine and that you were following a lead."

"Oh," is all Castiel says in reply.

"You're not mad?"

"No. I mean, you're technically only lying to yourself Dean," Castiel points out.

Dean's lips quirk upwards, "I guess you're right."

"You were right before," Castiel says, deadpan, "Our relationship is 'fucked up'."

Dean snorts into Castiel's neck, "I've done it, I've corrupted an angel."

 


	9. Chapter 9

"Cas, we're at the same motel as yesterday, come now, I can't- I can't wake Dean up," Sam says frantically through the phone, his voice several octaves higher than normal.

Castiel doesn't even wait to hang up the phone, flitting to the motel room instantly, seeing Dean lying there still, Sam hopping from one foot to the other, a helpless look on his face. Without a word, Castiel places a hand on Dean's forehead and transports himself to Dean's dream, silently thanking his Father for still having the ability to do so.

He finds himself in the middle of a field, corn grazing against his legs, the sun beating down heavily. Dean's standing, his fists and jaw clenching, his eyes widening when Castiel appears before him.

"Cas?" Dean asks, a look of relief in his eyes which hardens into terror when he looks behind Castiel. Castiel turns, afraid of what he'll find, his breath hitching when he sees who is preventing Dean from waking. The man before him has a puzzled smile on his face, blue eyes shining, blonde hair swaying in the soft breeze. He's of normal build, wearing a simple white shirt and suit trousers, hands stuffed in his pockets. He would look harmless if Castiel were not to see who it really is inside.

"Lucifer," Castiel says, letting his voice drip with venom as he slides in front of Dean protectively.

"Ah," Lucifer frowns for a moment, before placing Castiel's name, "Castiel, right?"

"You will get out of Dean's dream,  _now,_ " Castiel orders, taking a step forward.

Lucifer smiles, his vessel baring teeth and it's the sort of smile that insinuates that any second the person is going to snap, "But this is the only way I can talk to Dean with those annoying little sigils on his ribs. Was that your doing little Castiel?"

"Leave his dream," Castiel commands.

"I'm actually glad you arrived little one, I've heard that both of you helped me escape the cage so for that I have to thank you. Thank Sammy for me as well won't you?" Lucifer grins.

"Cas?" Dean questions softly and Castiel's stomach drops as he realises that Lucifer has just admitted his big secret to Dean.

"Leave  _now,"_ Castiel warns.

"I was only talking to him Castiel, you don't need to get so worked up," Lucifer steps forward casually, a smile still on his lips, "It's just, I've found out that he is apparently the one who is prophesied to kill me and I just can't let that happen, you understand right?"

Castiel lets out a low growl, "I will not let you harm Dean Winchester."

Lucifer tilts his head, "How are you going to stop me Castiel?"

"I  _will_ stop you," Castiel warns, clenching his fists, taking another step forward, only a few feet between them now.

"You're annoying me now Castiel and I don't like people who annoy me," Lucifer's eyes hardens, "Oh, I'll kill Dean but not before I kill  _you_  Castiel, you irritating little cockroach."

"Shut the fuck up," Dean suddenly spits out from behind Castiel, "And get the fuck out of my dream."

Lucifer smiles sharply at Castiel "It's funny how humans can feign fearlessness and righteousness isn't it? I think Dean here forgets that while he was in Hell he was one of _mine_ and I know everything he got up to in there."

The surroundings began to falter, sharp flashes of red before the field around them crumbles, a perfect copy of Hell suddenly surrounding them. Castiel can hear the screams, recognises them as Dean's making Castiel himself fight the urge to flinch. The screams then shift to other souls, souls that Dean tortured, their cries of mercy echoing around them. The smell of flesh burning filling the air making Castiel's eyes water.

He turns to Dean frenziedly, gripping his forearms, "Dean, you have to focus!"

Dean shakes his head, his eyes wide in grief and pain as the screams get louder. Castiel shakes him roughly to force him to take notice of him, Dean’s gaze finally focusing on Castiel's face.

"Dean, this is  _your_  dream!" Castiel shouts.

Dean just stares at him dumbly, tears starting to form in his eyes before whispering, "Cas?"

Castiel grips Dean's tighter, letting his fingernails dig into the skin, anything to try and ground Dean, "This is your dream Dean so  _control_  it."

Dean shakes his head, "I  _can't."_

"Yes, you can, control it  _now!"_

Dean stares at him for a few seconds before shutting his eyes tightly, breathing heavily. To Castiel's relief the screams stop, the Hell around them disappearing, changing to them being a top of a mountain, the clouds dancing around them.

"You vile piece of-" Lucifer starts and Castiel can hear him running towards them.

"Fuck you," Dean shouts, his voice shaky but strong, before pulling Castiel into a hug and hurtling themselves off the top of the mountain. Castiel opens his mouth to shout out but no words come as they hurtle further and further down.

With a gasp he finds himself back in the motel room, Dean sitting up breathlessly on the bed.

"Dean!" Sam shouts in relief.

"What-What was that?" Castiel asks, trembling slightly.

Dean looks up at him, "What, you never watched _Inception_?"

"What?!" Castiel and Sam both ask at the same time, both of them confused but Castiel is sure for different reasons.

"It's a kick," Dean says and Castiel can see his hands are shaking, "Falling in your dream wakes you up."

"Oh," Castiel breathes out.

"What the hell happened?" Sam asks, his eyebrows furrowed.

"First of all, how the hell did you know what was going on?" Dean looks at Castiel, a curious expression on his face.

"Because of me," Sam admits, "I woke up to you shouting his name in your sleep and then I tried to wake you up but I couldn't so I called Cas."

Dean shifts uncomfortably, "I thought that Cas might be able to hear me, I forgot that you'd made it so you couldn't."

"I'll ask again, what the hell happened?" Sam asks, clearly frustrated that he is still in the dark on the whole matter.

"Lucifer," Castiel explains, "Lucifer was in Dean's dream."

"Shit," Sam breathes out before glancing at Dean, "You okay?"

"Oh, just peachy," Dean glares at Sam.

"What did he want?" Sam asks, perching on his bed, his fingers digging into the mattress.

"What did he say before I got there?" Castiel demands, ignoring Sam's question.

Dean glances from Sam to Castiel and sighs, "He didn't say much before you got there. I didn't really give him the chance to, I was just kind of shouting over him."

"So what did he say when Cas got there?" Sam asks.

Dean lets out a shaky breath, "He knows that I'm apparently the one to kill him and he basically wants to kill me before I kill him."

"Shit," Sam says again, his eyes wide.

"Oh and he wanted to thank us all for helping set him free," Dean sighs before flickering his narrowed eyes to Castiel, "I get why he'd want to thank us but why would he want to thank you? You didn't do anything to help him get free."

Castiel lowers his gaze, taking a deep breath in. How is he supposed to admit to something like this? They're both going to hate him and he's going to lose them and he  _can't_ lose them, not now.

"Cas, what aren't you telling us?" Dean's voice low, full of warning.

Castiel doesn't take his eyes off the ground and says quietly, "I was the one who released Sam from the panic room."

"You- You're what?" Dean says slowly, standing up to meet Castiel.

"I was following orders. I deeply regret it and I am undoubtedly sorry for it," Castiel forces himself to look up to Dean and what he finds is a face full of mistrust, eyes full of betrayal.

"You released me from the panic room?" Sam asks, pained.

"Yes, I'm so sorry Sam," Castiel turns to Sam and when he sees betrayal in them too he lowers his gaze to the floor.

"You let Sam feel guilty, made him think he caused all this and all this time it was all your fucking fault?" Dean shouts, pushing Castiel. Castiel lets himself be pushed, faltering a step back before being shoved again until his back is against the wall.

"Dean, stop," Sam tries to reason.

"No!" Dean shouts back, curling his fists, "You fucking pretended to be our friend and we  _let_ you. You caused all this,  _you._ You're the one who brought Lucifer back,  _you_ and I'll never fucking forgive you for it _."_

"Dean, you were the one who broke the first seal, you are as much to blame as I," Castiel grits back and as soon as the words are out of his mouth he regrets them. Dean's eyes widen, stepping back from Castiel like he's been punched and Castiel supposes that that would have been easier to recover from. He can't fix this, can't take those words back even though he didn't mean them, not at all.

"Dean, I'm so-"                                     

Dean speaks over him, eyes dead and voice flat, "I never want to see your fucking face again."

And with that Dean rushes out of the room, slamming the motel door behind him. Castiel goes to follow because he needs to fix this now, he can't leave it like this.

Sam stands up then, placing a hand on Castiel's shoulder, "Let him cool off for a bit okay?"

Castiel nods, looking at the hand on his shoulder, then at Sam's concerned face, "You don't-You don't hate me?"

Sam sits back on the bed and sighs, "No, I don't hate you Cas. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty pissed but this isn't all your fault. You didn't force me to drink all that demon blood or to use my powers or to kill Lilith. That was on me, not you."

"You only did that because you thought you were doing the right thing," Castiel replies.

"Yeah," Sam sighs before looking up at Castiel, his eyes tired, "Look, what I'm saying is, we've all done some shitty stuff in our past but what matters is  _right now_. I can't hate you for helping me on my way to kill Lilith because I did that part by my own choice,” Sam smiles resignedly, “Turns out all three of us helped Lucifer out of his cage and I know that if we could each take it back we would but we can't so now we've just got to stick together and kill the son of a bitch."

Castiel nods, "But Dean-"

"Look, I know Dean, he's going to be pretty pissed right now and he might be for a little while but he'll forgive you eventually," Sam explains, "But maybe for a little while you should stay away? Just until he calms down?"

Castiel nods in agreement even though he doesn't like it, he doesn't want to leave them, not when Lucifer has only just found out about them. Who is going to protect them if he leaves them?

"Look, I'll call you if we need you okay?" Sam says, clearly ending the conversation.

"Yes," Castiel says, feeling his mouth dry, "I'll leave now."

Sam nods, "Yeah, I think that's a good idea. Just, look after yourself okay?"

Castiel just nods, not knowing if his voice would betray him on how terrible and hurt he truly feels. He hadn't wanted this. He knew that telling them the truth would make them angry, make them hate him. He had foolishly thought that they would never find out or if they did, it would be after Castiel has redeemed himself so much that they couldn't do anything but forgive him. But it now it's happening and Dean hates him and Castiel can't do anything about it.

* * *

 

He finds himself flying to the cabin, landing there before he even realises he's chosen to go there. Future Dean is manoeuvring around in the small kitchen, whistling a tune that Castiel is familiar with, something that he is certain that Dean listens to in the car. He feels his heart suddenly ache watching him and realises that if Future Dean cares for him, kisses him, holds him, then that means that present Dean will eventually forgive him. He  _will_ forgive him but Castiel doesn't know how long that will take, if it will take a week, a month or even a year. What if it takes longer than that?

"Cas?" Dean asks, eyebrows raised as he turns to see Castiel standing in the doorway.

Castiel doesn't say anything, just strides forward and pulls Dean into him, letting his arms rest around Dean's neck. Automatically, Dean puts his arms around Castiel's waist tightly, holding him, letting Castiel bury his head in the curve joining his neck and shoulder.

"What's wrong Cas?" Dean asks, worry in his voice.

"You just told me you never wanted to see my face again," Castiel replies, his voice muffled.

Dean pulls Castiel in tighter, "You know I didn't really mean that right? I was just angry?"

Castiel just shakes his head in reply because hadn't an angel from his garrison once tell him that humans let out their truths when they were angry? When they had let their guard down and finally let all their feelings out?

Dean pulls back from Castiel, taking Castiel's arms from around his neck. Letting his fingers stay linked with Castiel's he guides him to the dining chair, Dean kneeling in front of him, hands still linked.

"Cas, look at me."

Castiel lets his eyes finally reach up to Dean's eyes, seeing worry intermixed with what looks like guilt.  _This_  Dean doesn't hate him,  _this_  Dean wants to comfort him and Castiel feels like crying with relief because no matter what, he and Dean will become this in the future, they  _have_ to.

"When I said that to you I was just angry okay? I was really angry. Not even at you really, you were just there at the time, admitting that you'd done something wrong so I put all my anger on you and I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry okay?" Dean says, his eyes truthful.

"Then what were you angry about?" Castiel asks, his voice quiet.

"At myself. Seeing Lucifer in my dream, seeing  _Hell,_ being reminded that I'd tortured all those souls, that me torturing those people helped release that son of a bitch," Dean sighs, his eyes pained, "Being reminded of all that just made me angry at myself, so angry that I hated myself. And then when you turned around and said you released Sam from the panic room I just flipped and put all my anger and hatred of myself on you, trying to blame you for everything so I wouldn't have to feel guilty any more. And then you turned around and reminded me that _I'd_  broke the first seal and then it was all back on myself and I was so angry at you for reminding me. Most of all though I was angry at myself but I put it all on you because that was easier y'know?"

"I didn't really mean what I said about you breaking the first seal, none of this was your fault Dean," Castiel says, still slightly surprised that Dean is  _talking,_ not hiding away from all his problems, actually talking and explaining them, letting himself be understood without being forced to.

Dean leans his forehead against Castiel's, "Yeah I know you didn't Cas, I know."

"I'm sorry Dean," Castiel whispers.

Dean kisses him softly, "I'm sorry too."

"How long is present you going to stay angry at me?" Castiel asks, needing to know so he can prepare himself.

"For this? Not very long," Dean smiles, "Now, enough of all this serious talk, I've got two burgers with our names on and I know you don't really have to eat but you can if you want to and it would be weird if I sat here eating with you just staring at me while I did. So what do you say, burgers?"

Castiel smiles, "A burger would be nice."

"Good," Dean stands up, but not before kissing Castiel, "They'll be done in a couple of minutes, go put the TV on and find us something to watch."

Castiel goes to leave but then goes back to Dean, hugging him from behind, his arms wrapping around Dean's waist, "Thank you Dean."

"You're welcome you idiot," Dean jokes, "Now leave me or else our burgers will get burnt."


	10. Chapter 10

After Castiel and Dean have eaten their burgers (which Castiel is surprised to find actually taste very appetising making Castiel understand why Dean loves them so much) they stay sitting on the sofa watching re-runs of Dr Sexy. Dean pulls Castiel in close, letting his arms wrap around Castiel protectively, like he's apologising for his past self for hurting him. Castiel doesn't mind and lets himself be held tightly, his own fingers playing with Dean's shirt absent-mindedly as they watch the television show.

Even now, Castiel doesn't understand why Dean likes the show so much. That is until Dean starts flailing as soon as Dr Sexy comes on the screen without his shirt on (for no viable explanation, Castiel might add).

"You like Dr Sexy?" Castiel asks slowly, staring at Dean unblinking. Dean blushes and Castiel knows he's right, "You find Dr Sexy attractive?"

Dean squirms, "Um, maybe?"

"Oh," Castiel mutters, looking down at his fingers fiddling with Dean's shirt.

"Wait," Dean says, amusement in his voice, "Are you jealous Cas?"

"No!" Castiel grumbles.

"Aw you totally are," Dean laughs teasingly.

"No, I am not," Castiel feels himself redden which is ridiculous but apparently his vessel isn't on his side and clearly just wants to embarrass him further.

Dean kisses Castiel's neck, "Don't worry Cas, you're still number one for me."

"I am?" Castiel asks timidly.

"Definitely," Dean smiles fondly, his eyes twinkling in amusement as leans forward and kisses Castiel on the mouth, letting his tongue glide in gracefully. Castiel leans in, twisting his fingers into Dean's shirt, bunching it up in his grasp. Castiel feels Dean smile as he kisses him, his arms pulling Castiel in closer, making their chests touch.

A loud annoying ring interrupts them.

Dean groans but pulls back, gesturing for Castiel to answer the phone. Castiel does so quickly. Only two people know this phone number and Sam had said that he would only call if they were in trouble. What if Dean is stuck in a dream with Lucifer again?

He feels his heart quicken when he sees Dean's number light up the screen because the only reason Dean would call him now if he is in trouble of dying and even then it's questionable. What could possibly have happened in the few hours that he had left them?

"Dean?" Castiel asks frantically through the phone, Future Dean beside him holding a passive expression on his face.

"Cas?" Dean's slurred voice comes through the phone, "I wanna talk to you, get your stupid ass here."

"Dean, where are you?" Castiel asks urgently down the phone. After what Future Dean had told him, that Dean was only feeling guilty and angry at himself, the fact that he's now drunk himself to oblivion is not a good sign.

"C’mere Cas," Dean slurs through the phone, hiccupping between the words.

"Just tell me where you are Dean," Castiel tries to stay calm but knows he is failing, especially when Dean hangs up the phone, a droning beeping noise blaring out at him.

"Where is he?" Castiel asks the Dean beside him, feeling his stomach churn.

"At the bar just around the corner from the motel, I can't remember the name," Dean replies, "Now go."

Castiel hesitates, kissing Dean quickly on the forehead before leaving him, feeling that he is choosing one Dean over the other which is a foolish thought because they are the same person. Even if they are so different in how they act and treat Castiel, they  _are_ the same person and Castiel needs to remember that.

It doesn't take long for Castiel to find the bar and to find Dean sitting on the edge of the pavement, the impala parked on the car park behind him.

"Dean?" Castiel asks cautiously because Dean had asked him to come but what if he's changed his mind? Drunken Dean could change moods and ideas quickly, especially when he is already mad at you.

Dean looks up, his eyes bloodshot from the alcohol, "Cas? How’d you find me?"

"You told me," Castiel says truthfully.

Dean nods, scrunching up his nose, "Oh yeah, I forgot."

"Let me take you back to the motel room Dean," Castiel walks forward, standing over Dean. If his grace wasn't waning so much he would use some of it to make Dean sober but he doesn't know how much he has to waste and besides, he's unsure as to how Dean would react to having the alcohol forced from his body like that.

"No, I want to talk to you first," Dean reaches up and tugs at Castiel's hand, pulling him down to the floor. Castiel kneels on the tarmac in front of Dean, noticing that Dean is still holding his hand like it's his anchor.

"What do you want to talk about Dean?" Castiel asks, still staring at their hands interlinked. Perhaps Dean has forgotten that he is holding his hand? Castiel goes to take his hand from Dean's but Dean just holds him tighter and Castiel realises that the only way he is going to get out of Deans grasp is if he breaks Dean's bones. Castiel leaves his hand under Dean's, squeezing it comfortingly.

"M'Sorry, I didn't mean what I said," Dean mutters, looking down at the floor like a scolded child.

"It's okay Dean, I understand," Castiel says softly, hoping this is the right tone to comfort someone who is inebriated and trying to apologise.

"You do?" Dean looks up at Castiel, his eyes wide and childlike.

"Yes I do," Castiel places his other hand over Dean's slowly, ready for Dean to pull back, though he doesn't, "I  _am_  sorry for what I did though Dean. Even at the time I knew what I was doing was wrong but I still did it and I know I can't take it back."

"Wasn't your fault," Dean mutters, looking back to the floor, "You tried to stop it. You went against heaven so I could stop it and I failed. And now you're falling and it's my fault and  _I failed you_  Cas."

Castiel takes a sharp intake of breath, "You didn't fail me Dean, this wasn't your fault."

"Yes it was," Dean sighs and Castiel can feel his hand shaking between Castiel's. Castiel uses his hand to tilt Dean's head upwards so he's forced into looking at Castiel's face. Dean's eyes are full of self-loathing and Castiel just wants to lean forward and kiss it out of him but he knows he can't, that this isn't the Dean that would agree with that.

"Dean, none of this is your fault, Lucifer being set free, me falling, none of it. You tried your hardest to prevent all this, I know you did and now you're trying your hardest to end it all and I know you will succeed."

Dean shakes his head slightly, his eyes rimmed red, "I can't do it Cas, I  _can't_."

"Have faith Dean," Castiel says simply.

"In God?" Dean snorts, "He doesn't give a shit."

Castiel ignores the insult to his father and instead leans forward slightly, "No, you should have faith in  _yourself._ Believe in yourself like I believe in you,  _I have faith in you Dean_. _"_

Dean blinks, his eyes wide, and then he's suddenly closing the barrier between them, pressing his lips against Castiel's forcefully. Castiel keeps his eyes open, wide in surprise, never thinking that  _this_ would happen, not now, not yet. Castiel can taste the alcohol on Dean's breath; his lips dry against Castiel's. Before Castiel can even  _think_  of what to do the kiss is over. Dean leans back as far as possible, pulling his hand from Castiel's hold, a horrified look on his face.

"Fuck, I don't know why I did that," Dean stammers, looking a lot more sober than he had been a few moments ago.

"It's okay Dean, its okay," Castiel tries to soothe, his breath shaky as he tries to understand what's just happened. Dean just shakes his head in reply, his breathing heavy and Castiel feels his heart drop when he sees how truly terrified Dean looks, how much he clearly hadn't enjoyed the kiss, that he already regrets it.

"Let me take you back to the motel room," Castiel says, trying to hide the hurt in his voice. Dean just nods dumbly, flinching when Castiel rests his hand on his forehead to take them back. Thankfully, Sam is already asleep, clearly thinking that Dean could handle himself. Or he is just simply used to Dean going off angrily like this and only staggering back in the early hours of the morning.

Dean staggers away from Castiel as soon as they arrive, sitting on the bed, his head falling into his hands.

"It's okay Dean," Castiel says, not making any movement towards Dean, choosing to stay on the other side of the room.

"No, it's not, it's _really really_  not," Dean groans quietly into his hands, "Look, I'm really drunk and I need to sleep this off so can you go please?"

"Yes," Castiel replies instantly, not wanting to leave Dean when he is at his most vulnerable but knows that he cannot force the situation, cannot force Dean to talk about this when he clearly doesn't want to.

Dean was just drunk, a drunken mistake that he didn't really want to do. Castiel can see he already regrets it and it scares- no  _terrifies-_ Castiel to think about how this is going to change everything. A melancholy feeling hits him as he realises that that is his and Dean's first official kiss. And it couldn't have been worse.

* * *

 

Future Dean is where he left him, sitting on the couch, watching Dr Sexy re-runs. His face lights up when Castiel arrives, shutting the television off, gesturing for Castiel to come sit with him.

"You okay Cas?" Dean asks as soon as Castiel sits next to him.

"I'm not sure," Castiel replies honestly, still feeling himself shaking slightly.

"Past me just kissed you huh?" Dean says softly, pulling Castiel into a hug, kissing Castiel's neck.

"Yes."

"And now you're really confused," Dean points out, a hand snaking up and down Cas' back comfortingly.

"Yes."

"And you're worried about how past me is going to act after this," Dean murmurs, a hand gliding through Cas' hair as he kisses him gently on the neck.

"Yes," Castiel mumbles.

Dean sighs, "I'm not going to lie to you Cas, past me is going to act like a bit of a dick to you for a while."

Castiel stiffens, feeling his heart fill with dread. He can't have Dean be angry with him, he just  _can't._

"Hey Cas, it's going to be okay though," Dean pulls back, kissing Castiel gently on the forehead, "It'll all work out in the end."

"I don't understand how it can, how that Dean can become you," Castiel murmurs truthfully.

"A lot of things happen between now and the future," Dean rests his forehead against Castiel's, "But trust me when I say this, it  _will_  work out, you and me  _will_ get together after I, y'know, get my shit together and finally admit to it all."

"How long until past you gets your shit together?" Castiel sniffs, letting his arms envelop Dean's waist.

Dean snorts, "Not long, but give him a break okay? He's not exactly going through the best of times. He's just helped start the apocalypse, just been touched up mentally by the freaking Devil and oh, he's just kissed his best friend."

"I'm your best friend?" Castiel asks, surprised at that.

Dean grins, "Course you are but you're a lot more than that, trust me."

"I am?"

"Want me to show you how much more?" Dean asks, his eyes glinting. Castiel doesn't reply, just leans forward and kisses Dean roughly, tangling his fingers in Dean's hair. Dean moans into Castiel's mouth as Castiel forces his tongue into Dean's, pulling Dean closer by his fingers. Dean tugs at Castiel's trench coat and Castiel shrugs it off, pulling his suit jacket off with it quickly. Letting his hands trail Dean's hair again, he pushes himself onto Dean so Dean has no choice but to lean back against the weight, his head resting on the sofa's arm chair. Dean pulls out Castiel's shirt from his pants, letting his hands trail up his back under his shirt, scraping his fingernails against him gently. Castiel just moans, tugging at Dean's shirt, at his jeans, desperate to get them all off, to start this because he  _needs_ this.

Castiel shifts to try and take some of his weight off Dean but somehow he shifts so their dicks are pressed up against each other and Castiel can't help but rut against it, rolling his hips to get as much as contact as possible, moaning into Dean's mouth.

Dean pulls free from Castiel's mouth, gasping, "Bed."

Castiel doesn't need to be told twice, flying them to the bed in a matter of seconds, letting Dean turn them over so Castiel is below, looking up at Dean. Dean quickly pulls his own shirt and jeans off, kissing Castiel every chance he has.

For a moment, Castiel is distracted, seeing a scar on Dean's abdomen that isn't on present Dean's. He lets his fingers trace it gently. Dean notices and reaches for Castiel's hand and kissing his fingers softly.

"Just another war wound," Dean murmurs before attacking Castiel's mouth again, his tongue sliding in easily. Castiel tries to unbutton his own shirt but feels himself struggling, he's never tried to undo his shirt before and it's proving to be difficult, especially with Dean's half naked body straddling him.

"De-Dean," Castiel pants between kisses.

Dean breaks free of his mouth, sees that Castiel is struggling and chuckles. Slowly he undoes the buttons, kissing Castiel's neck as he does so, occasionally nipping against him playfully.

After Dean has undone his shirt, he attacks Castiel's chest, kissing his collarbone, letting his hands trail down his chest to feel Castiel over his pants. Castiel can do nothing but lie there and watch,  _feel_ as Dean licks his nipples, sucking on them slightly as his hands start to unbuckle Castiel's trousers, pulling them down impatiently with a growl. Dean shifts down, pulling Castiel's trousers and boxers with him, Castiel moaning in relief when his dick is no longer constricted in his boxers. He watches as Dean pulls his own boxers off and then he's back to straddling him, letting their dicks rut against each other, both moaning as they shift against each other.

"You want me inside you baby?" Dean moans into Castiel's neck.

"Yes," Castiel groans, yes he does, he wants every part of Dean, to touch every fibre of his being.

Dean leans over to the small bed stand, ripping open the drawer, coming back with some kind of lubricant. Dean coats his fingers and his dick, Castiel feeling himself harden even more as he watches him, his cheeks flushed, his mouth swollen.

"You ready?" Dean asks. Castiel just nods, not sure what he's preparing for but knowing that he wants this,  _needs_ this.

He feels Dean's finger push in and he groans with half pleasure, half pain. He feels his muscles tighten against Dean, his body shuddering. Dean leans forward and kisses Castiel on the mouth and Castiel can see he's trying to distract him from the pain, to help him get used to the feeling and its working. Castiel lets himself focus on Dean's mouth, his tongue, as his body gets used to Dean's finger inside him.

"More Dean," Castiel tells Dean between kisses.

"Okay baby," Dean murmurs, pushing a second finger causing Castiel to moan again, clutching onto Dean tightly as he kisses him roughly on the mouth. Dean shifts his fingers inside Castiel and he hits something that makes Castiel moan, forgetting about any of the previous pain, arching his head back. Dean does it again and Castiel cries out Dean's name, pushing his hips further up to try and get Dean to hit it again. He does and it's like a tidal wave of pleasure overtaking him as Dean's fingers curl up inside him/

"Dean, I- I want-"

"I got you," Dean purrs, "And you're going to have all of me in you, you want that don't you?"

"Dean, please," Castiel finds himself crying out, feeling his forehead sheen in sweat as he feels Dean pull his fingers out. Castiel whimpers slightly, wanting the touch again, needing Dean to be inside him. Dean moves around to a better position, Castiel automatically wrapping his legs around Dean, understanding what's about to happen and craving it.

"You ready baby?" Dean asks.

"Ye-Yes."

And with that Dean slowly pushes himself in, Castiel crying out as he feels Dean inside him, feeling Dean and only Dean. Dean kisses him feverishly on the mouth, tongues clashing against each other, Dean's hands pressed against Castiel's chest to steady himself. While kissing him, Dean slowly starts to move, thrusting in and out of Castiel, moaning softly into Castiel's mouth. Castiel holds him tightly, lets his hand cover the hand print that he had marked on Dean's shoulder all that time ago.

Dean moans, starting to quicken his pace, letting his head rest against Castiel's shoulder, saying Castiel's name over and over like a prayer. Castiel doesn't notice he's doing the same thing with Dean's name until he cries it out louder when Dean hits against his prostate over and over, Castiel feeling himself reach closer and closer to orgasm. He clutches Dean closer, letting his legs tighten their grip around Dean, bucking his hips so Dean can pull himself in even further, moaning when he does.

"You're so fucking beautiful," Dean states, kissing Castiel hard and with that, Castiel comes with a guttural moan, his fingernails digging roughly into Dean's back. It's not long before Dean comes inside Castiel, shouting Castiel's name.

After that, Dean slows his thrusts before pulling himself out of Castiel completely, falling heavily on Castiel, burying his head in Castiel's neck.

 Castiel holds onto him tightly, never wanting to let go.


	11. Chapter 11

Castiel wakes to find Dean crying out in his sleep, thrashing in Castiel's arms. At first Castiel thinks the worst, thinks it's Lucifer but it doesn't make sense as to why Lucifer would attack Dean from the future, especially when Lucifer might not even know that this version of Dean is here. He shakes Dean, calling out for him and he's just about to go inside his dream and see what's happening that could make Dean get so worked up when Dean opens his eyes, fighting against Castiel.

"It's okay Dean, its okay, it was just a dream," Castiel says frantically, holding onto Dean's arms so he can't hit Castiel because it would only end with him hurting himself. Dean stops, panting slightly as he looks at Castiel with wide eyes before burying himself in Castiel's chest, gripping onto him tightly.

"It's okay Dean, you're safe," Castiel soothes, letting his fingers glide through Dean's hair. Dean whimpers slightly but doesn't say anything in reply, just breathes heavily into Castiel's chest and Castiel can feel the quickened rate of Dean's heart beat hitting against his own chest.

"It was just a dream," Castiel kisses the top of Dean's head, Dean shivering at the touch, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Dean shakes his head and Castiel murmurs, "Okay Dean, just try and go back to sleep."

Castiel stays silent as he waits for Dean's breathing to slow down, for Dean to go back to sleep. It takes a much longer time than Castiel anticipates but he doesn't mind. Anxiously, he strokes Dean's hair, worrying what Dean was dreaming about, assuming that it's of Hell. Yes, more than likely, especially as Dean had talked about it to him earlier that day. He kisses Dean's hair again, wishing he could take all the pain away from Dean but realising that he can't, that he can only hold him and try and make him forget by just being there for him.

When they wake in the morning, Dean is still snuggled into Castiel, not that Castiel minds. Castiel kisses the top of Dean's head, rustling his fingers through his hair. Dean stirs, his eyelids fluttering, before looking up at Castiel, a content smile on his face.

"How are you feeling?" Castiel asks tentatively.

Dean looks up and grins, "Perfect."

"Are you sure?" Castiel realises he's pushing it but he somehow seems to know that this version of Dean won't fight against him for trying to help.

"Why wouldn't I be perfect?" Dean kisses the corner of Castiel's mouth. Castiel realises that even this Dean seems to like to hide some things, to pretend everything is okay when it's clearly not. Dean having a nightmare that makes him scream out isn't normal and the fact that even in the future Hell seems to plague his mind worries Castiel.

"Seriously Cas, I'm fine," Dean rolls his eyes, "You want breakfast?"

"Yes, that would be nice," Castiel smiles, ignoring the feeling of uneasiness in his gut.

"We'll have some when I can be bothered to get out of bed okay?" Dean mutters, letting himself cuddle back up to Castiel.

"I can go get us some food if you wish," Castiel offers, not really wanting to leave the bed either.

"You being in the bed is the reason I want to stay in the bed longer you dumbass," Dean pokes Castiel's ribs playfully.

"Oh, then I won't leave," Castiel smiles faintly. Dean just chuckles, probably at Castiel's failure to understand such simple human things like this but Castiel finds he doesn't care. Dean isn't laughing at him cruelly and Castiel likes the feeling of somehow managing to make Dean laugh, to forget his troubles for a moment and just let go. It prides Castiel that he can do this.

"You going to see past me and Sammy today?" Dean asks and Castiel opens his mouth in surprise because where had that come from?

"I didn't think I would be welcome," Castiel frowns.

Dean reddens, clearly embarrassed with his past self's behaviour, "You should go see them, you're going to have to see them eventually and I know at the time I told you not to come see us-"

"I recall it being said a different way than that," Castiel murmurs.

"Yeah, okay, I was a dick, happy now?" Dean huffs, "But you should go see them, me calling you when I was drunk was my way of saying that you could stick around okay?"

"Yes but then you kissed me," Castiel points out.

"Well yeah, but you should still go okay," Dean shrugs.

"I don't know," Castiel shifts around. Did Castiel really want to go back after Dean had told him to stay away? After Sam had? And if what the Dean in front of him had told him is the truth, and undoubtedly it is, present Dean is going to give him a hard time and Castiel isn't sure he can handle that. Why can't present Dean be like Future Dean? Not worried about showing his feelings for Castiel, letting himself open up without the need of alcohol? Something big must have happened for Dean to suddenly become  _this_ Dean, the one who has no trouble kissing him, having sex with, cuddling up to him when he's asleep. But what can possibly happen between now and then that could cause that to happen?

"Cas, please will you go see them?" Dean pleads.

"Why are you so anxious for me to go see them today?" Castiel asks, raising his eyebrows. He thought that Dean would have thought it was a good idea, like present Sam, to stay away to let present Dean cool off, especially when they had kissed and present Dean had clearly hated it.

Dean lowers his gaze and stares at Castiel's mouth instead, "I just want you to go see them that's all. I mean, you guys have the colt now, Lucifer is on your ass, you guys should be making up some sort of plan."

"I suppose," Castiel says slowly.

"Just do it for me okay baby?" Dean kisses Castiel softly. Castiel lets him, brushing his thumbs across his jawline.

"You call me baby," Castiel points out.

Dean’s eyebrows furrow, "Yeah. Why, don't you like it?"

"No, I like it," Castiel smiles before frowning, "But you call your car baby too."

Dean grins, pecking Castiel on the lips, "You're both my babies."

Castiel thinks about this, thinks about how much Dean cherishes his car, how long and hard he works on making it perfect making Castiel realise that he's in good company. Dean  _loves_ that car, treats it like its own entity and while Castiel realises that Dean doesn't love him, not like that, maybe not at all, the fact that Castiel is put in the same position as Dean's car, which has been a fixture in his whole life, his  _home,_ Castiel is happy to be there with it.

"Why does past you and Sam call you  _Superman_?" Castiel asks to change the subject, realising he has never got the answer to that puzzling question.

"You don't know who  _Superman_  is?" Dean looks horrified and Castiel realises he's made yet another human faux par.

"No, who is he? I'm supposing he is a man who is super?" Castiel asks.

"He's a superhero from another planet. He goes around as Clark Kent but he's secretly  _Superman_ , going around saving everyone in secret. He has a cape," Dean nods.

Castiel wonders if Dean has a fever, "Dean, there are no other planets with aliens... Are you feeling okay?"

Dean laughs, nudging Castiel's ribs, "He's fictional you idiot!"

"Oh," Castiel feels himself blush.

"Seriously, when you get back here tonight we'll have to watch some of the films."

"I'd like that," Castiel smiles.

Dean kisses Castiel lazily then says unhappily, "Okay, we've really got to get up now because I'm starving and even you cuddling me isn't worth me dying of hunger."

They have breakfast in companionable silence after Dean teaches Castiel how to use a microwave to heat up pancakes, something that Dean says is simple and even an angel who doesn't know who  _Superman_  is can't screw up. Castiel doesn't screw it up and Dean just nudges him with his hip, grinning away before throwing as much syrup as possible on the pancakes while Castiel just watches in horror. Turns out, Castiel seems to have just as much as a sweet tooth as Dean does, actually adding more syrup to his own food. Castiel realises that he doesn't actually have to eat but he finds himself enjoying it anyway. Besides, if his grace did continue to fail, if Castiel really did fall to humanity, a possibility that Castiel is trying to ignore, then he would have to eat to survive anyway so he should get used to it.

"I'm going to go see Sam and Dean now," Castiel says after they've both eaten their pancakes, leaning back, their stomachs full.

"Okay," Dean nods.

Castiel hesitates, finding he doesn't want to leave this Dean. He just wants to sit on the couch with him and watch  _Superman_. He doesn't want to have to go to the Dean that's going to be angry with him, Sam who's going to look at him and just see the fact that he released him from the panic room and helped him release Lucifer. Things are so much easier here with this Dean, which shows how complicated his life is because things shouldn't be easier with someone from the future, someone who knows everything that is about to happen to you and not being able to tell you.

"Hey Cas, it'll be fine," Dean stands up, ruffling Castiel's hair, "I'll be here when you're finished with them okay?"

Castiel nods, takes a deep breath and goes back to present Sam and Dean, their motel room still dark, motel curtains still closed, making Castiel already feel his mood dampen, knowing that this isn't going to go well. He sees a Sam shaped lump in one of the beds, Dean's bed empty.

A few seconds later, Dean walks out of the bathroom, dark circles under his eyes, a small sheen of sweat caressing his forehead and Castiel can only assume he's been vomiting up his hangover.

"Cas?" Dean asks, mouth open in surprise, "You're- You're here."

Before Castiel can reply Sam is sitting up on his bed, alert, but relaxes slightly when he sees he's in no present danger, frowning slightly as he looks at Castiel, "Cas, what are you doing here? I thought we agreed that maybe you should stay away for a bit?"

Dean furrows his eyebrows at Sam before saying offhandedly, "No, its cool, we, er, talked about it and Cas and I are, er, fine now aren't we?"

Dean doesn't look at Castiel as he says this, choosing to stare at the floor instead, fidgeting with his fingers. Castiel doesn't reply because he doesn't know how to answer.

"Oh," Sam looks even more confused.

"You're okay with Cas hanging around aren't you?" Dean narrows his eyes at Sam.

"Yeah, course I am," Sam smiles faintly, "I'm just glad that you two have sorted it out between you."

Dean nods, rummaging around his bag. He still hasn't properly looked at Castiel, looking anywhere but.

"Anyway, I'm gonna have a shower," Sam states.

"No!" Dean protests loudly before adding sheepishly "Let me go in first."

"Um, okay?" Sam asks.

"Cas, you can tell Sam whatever it is you need to tell us while I'm in there," Dean orders, still looking in his bag, pulling out a t-shirt and jeans.

"I would prefer to talk to you both," Castiel says calmly, taking a step towards Dean, feeling his blood run cold as Dean actually flinches. Castiel steps back awkwardly, putting as much space between him and Dean as possible.

"Okay Cas, what do you want to talk about?" Sam asks, either oblivious to the tension between Dean and Castiel or choosing to ignore it.

"I wanted to talk about what our plans are now that we have the colt," Castiel says, watching Dean, willing him to look at him.

"Well if you want a long discussion like that Cas, I kinda need to shower and wake up first," Sam smiles.

"Okay," Castiel's shoulders droop.

"I'll go in the shower first," Dean bolts to the shower, shutting the door quickly behind him.

Sam watches his brother go with a frown before turning his gaze back to Cas to ask slowly, "He was telling the truth right, you two are okay?"

Castiel gulps, "I'll go collect the food, what do you wish to have?"

Sam opens his mouth but shuts it, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Sam?" Castiel asks.

"I'll just have a coffee," Sam smiles weakly.

"Okay, I'll be right back," Castiel mutters. Before he goes to get the coffee and pancakes for Dean, he just stands outside the motel room, his forehead resting against the front door as he tries to calm his breathing, to try and focus on the fact that it does get better. Dean won't hate him forever and they'll get past this.

Once he's calmed himself somewhat, he picks up the coffee and pancakes, making sure there are dollops upon dollops of syrup, hoping that this might make Dean not be as angry with him. Although, Castiel doesn't quite understand  _why_ Dean is angry with him. He hadn't forced himself on Dean, Dean had kissed him, not the other way around so why is Dean blaming him?

When he gets back, he hands Sam the coffee, getting a small thanks in return and he places the plate of pancakes on the table, waiting for Dean. He turns to see Sam smiling at him, a secret smile that Castiel doesn't understand the meaning of but he smiles back briefly, sitting on the chair opposite the pancakes, waiting for Dean to depart from the shower.

"Are you okay Cas?" Sam asks suddenly.

Castiel exhales before saying tiredly, "Yes, I'm fine, I just wish-"

"What?" Sam asks.

"That all of this had already happened, that we'd already defeated Lucifer, that everything was okay again."

_That Dean and I are already together._

Sam nods in agreement, "I get what you mean Cas but that's not the way it works. We just have to hope that we defeat him soon so we can get on with our lives but I suppose even with Lucifer gone there's always going to be something you know? First it was Azazel, then it was Lilith, now it's Lucifer. There's always going to be something else."

"I suppose you're right," Castiel sighs, before looking at Sam questionably, "Do you wish there was no 'something else', that you could go back to living a normal life?"

Sam opens his mouth to reply but Dean chooses that moment to walk out the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel, the dark circles still under his eyes. He looks at Castiel for a brief moment but averts them quickly, focusing on Sam instead.

"I'll go in the shower, I'll try and be quick," Sam says, grabbing his clothes and shutting the bathroom door behind him.

Dean pulls on some shoes, grabbing some money before Castiel realises that he's intending to leave, "Where are you going?"

"To go get food," Dean says gruffly.

"I've already gotten you pancakes," Castiel points out. Dean looks at the table and his eyes soften for a moment, finally looking at Castiel for longer than two seconds but then he looks away again, his eyes hardening.

"Yeah but they'll be cold," Dean says grudgingly.

"Dean, I just got them, they're still steaming," Castiel snaps back, getting tired of Dean's attitude.

Dean stomps to the table and starts to eat the pancakes with massive forkfuls, Castiel watching him in silence. Dean smiles slightly when he takes a bite, his body relaxing somewhat, staring out the window, but his leg is still shaking, drumming against the table.

"Dean? Do you perhaps want to-" Castiel sighs, forcing himself to say the words, "Want to talk about what happened yesterday?"

Dean stiffens, his jaw clenching, "Just forget about it. I get it alright; we don't need to talk about it."

"Dean-" Castiel starts to speak.

"I said forget it!" Dean snaps back, his fist hitting the table. Castiel jolts back, eyes wide. He feels like he's watching a volcano, that the smallest thing could cause him to erupt, not knowing what's going to cause the final eruption that will kill them all.

Dean's green eyes widen and he mutters, "We just- we don't need to talk about it because nothing happened... Right?"

Castiel nods wordlessly, seeing that pretending it never happened is the only way to help Dean through this, to stop him from being angry at him. He would prefer to pretend it never happened if Dean hated it, if he hated the thought of it so much that he just wanted to block it out if his memory.

Dean clenches his eyes shut for a moment, breathing heavily, then snaps them back open and smiles tightly at Castiel and even Castiel can see it's fake. Perhaps this won't be fixed for a very long time, even if Castiel does everything Dean tells him to.

"Hey guys," Sam looks from Castiel and Dean warily as he walks out of the bathroom, dressed in a plain t-shirt and jeans.

"Let's talk about defeating Lucifer then," Dean orders and Castiel realises he's back to the plan of not looking at Castiel. Castiel sighs. Why can't he get anything right?

 


	12. Chapter 12

After discussing their plans briefly, Dean mainly staying silent and pushing his fork around his plate, they consecutively decide to visit Chuck, knowing (or perhaps hoping) that he might have more answers, more knowledge of the future that will help them.

Chuck doesn't seem to be surprised to see them, already holding three beers in his hand, offering it out to them, only Dean taking one. Chuck keeps the other two, sits down heavily on the chair and starts gulping one down.

"See, I knew you two wouldn't have one but I thought I'd be polite anyway," Chuck sighs.

"We're here to talk to you about Lucifer," Castiel says.

Chuck looks up at him, "Castiel, I know that already."

"Can you not be an ass and just answer him?" Dean snaps.

Chuck looks from Castiel to Dean and back again, letting his exasperated eyes finally rest on Castiel's, "You realise this is really fucking weird right? And really awkward? Like,  _all kinds_ of weird?"

Castiel sucks in a breath, realising that Chuck is a  _prophet._ _H_ e had saw Future Dean's presence before them, signifying that he sees that Dean too which ultimately means he knows exactly what Castiel has done with him, what he's been getting up to. Chuck has seen it all. Castiel feels himself shake his head, his cheeks burning.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Dean asks angrily, his own cheeks reddening and Castiel figures that Dean must assume Chuck is talking about what happened with them last night, not that Castiel had been having sex with Dean’s future self.

"Nothing," Castiel adds, "He's not talking about anything, are you Chuck?"

Chuck rolls his eyes but agrees, "Nope, not talking about anything, alcohol goes right to my brain you know, makes me ramble about nothing."

"Right," Sam frowns, "Then perhaps we should come by later when you're not, er, 'rambling'."

"No, stick around, ask me your questions," Chuck groans.

"Wow Chuck, you seem really excited to help us stop the end of the world," Dean plasters a fake smile.

Chuck rolls his eyes, "Do you have any idea how annoying it is to be a prophet? Do you realise that I have already dreamt this whole conversation, even the stuff that I am saying  _right now?_  I'm just repeating it all. Every time I'm with you guys it's like freaking groundhogs day! And the things I have to see in my dreams, things that no one wants to see, things that will forever burn my eyes and then I have to deal with trying to help you  _lunatics_ to try and stop the freaking Devil, the Devil, full on leader of Hell, horns and all,  _Devil_! I mean, what has my life become? What has it become?!"

All three of them stand dumbly for a moment; their mouths open in surprise until Castiel points out slowly, "Lucifer doesn't actually have horns."

Dean snorts beside him, Sam choking back a laugh and Chuck just groans, "I knew you were going to say that."

"Look we get it, you're stressed out," Sam starts.

"Stressed out is an understatement! I mean, the whole world rides on you three,  _you three!_ " Chuck gestures towards them and Castiel can't help but feel offended. Surely there are three other worse people to have the world on their shoulders.

"Wow Chuck, tell us how you really think," Dean half jokes.

"I don't know anything okay? Sometimes I can be a week ahead of you guys, sometimes only a couple of hours and at the moment I'm only a couple of hours ahead of you. I know as much as you guys apart from the fact I know what you're going to be having for dinner and what you'll dream about tonight. Nothing that's important to killing the Devil okay? I don't know whether the colt will work or whether you actually kill Lucifer with it. I don't know when you'll meet him, other than Dean's dreams of course because it looks like he loves to be in Dean's mind for some reason. I don't know how to find him or how to make it so none of you get killed before you can get a foot by him. I  _don't know anything,"_ Chuck screeches.

"Okay we get it Chuck, you don't know anything," Sam nods, looking at Chuck like he's mentally disturbed and Castiel would understand if he is after everything he has to deal with.

"Are you- Are you saying that Lucifer is going to be in my dreams again?" Dean asks, his eyes wide.

Chuck sighs, "Yeah, he's in your dreams again tonight. Looks like he's going to jump in your head any chance he gets."

"Fucking great," Dean snarls before necking the bottle of alcohol he has.

"You just have to make yourself wake up, you know _, Inception_  style and you should be fine," Chuck states.

"Should?" Dean asks, eyebrows raised. Castiel can feel Dean's soul pulse with worry and truthfully Castiel can feel himself worry too. He doesn't want Dean to have to endure that again, to have to deal with Lucifer trying to tempt him into making any bad decisions by using everything that Dean feels guilty about (which he shouldn't) against him.

"You'll be fine Dean, the dreams I've saw of him being in there with you, you've made yourself wake up seconds after you've saw him, looks like watching  _Inception_  paid off," Chuck grins tiredly.

"Yeah but that means I won't get any sleep, like at all," Dean says, wearing what Dean would ultimately call a 'bitch face'.

"You'll get  _some_ sleep; he only tends to get in your mind after you've had a couple of hours sleep. I don't know whether that's because it takes him that long to figure your defences are down or that you're, you know, asleep but you'll get some sleep," Chuck shrugs.

"Well, I guess a couple of hours is better than none," Dean agrees and Castiel can't help be in awe at how easy it is for Dean to come to terms with something as big as this.

"So on defeating Lucifer, you don't know anything?" Castiel changes the subject back.

"No, sorry, but you guys will be the first to know if I do," Chuck smiles.

"So now what do we do?" Sam asks, looking at Dean and Castiel questionably.

"We have to come up with a plan on finding Lucifer for one because we still have no idea where he fucking is, then we have to think of a way to get to him without being blown up into pieces. Oh and we have to hope that the colt does actually work on him because we don't even know that much do we?" Dean says, tapping his finger against the bottle he's holding, looking at Sam warily, "It doesn't exactly look good does it?"

"Couldn't we, I don't know, summon him?" Sam asks.

"No," Castiel says quickly, "With the sigils on your chest he would be unable to hear any of your prayers and summoning him would be a terrible idea. And even if I were the one to summon him, he would know that I would only be summoning him to kill him and that you would most likely be with me and he would just arrive and kill us before we had the chance to do so."

"So we've got to try and hunt him down and just hope for the best?" Sam raises his eyebrows.

"Yes."

"Huh," Sam huffs out, "So how exactly do you locate the Devil?"

Castiel sighs, "With difficulty. He is ultimately an archangel and has all the powers they have-"

"I don't get that though, he's fallen and he still has his powers but you're losing yours? I mean, the Devil kinda did way worse things than you Cas," Dean frowns, looking at Castiel for a moment then looking away quickly, focusing on his bottle. Castiel can only assume that Dean had a temporary moment of forgetfulness that he's supposed to be angry with Castiel and not talking to him is one of the main things to show that.

"Lucifer is an archangel; archangels who fall still have their powers. I'm just an angel, a mindless warrior that is easily replaced and very easily stripped of their abilities and grace," Castiel says bitterly. It has only been the past year that he has come to this revelation and only until Raphael killed him that he completely came to terms with it. Because that's what Castiel had been to Heaven. Someone easily replaced. With Sam and Dean, it isn't like that; he's not just a warrior to them, not anymore. They're his friends and to Future Dean even more than that. He isn't replaceable to these boys and now that he has met them he realises that this is always what he had wanted, to have friends, and dare say it, to have a  _family._

"Oh," Dean mutters.

"Cas, you know we don't think that of you right?" Sam asks hesitatingly.

"Yes, I know that," Castiel replies.

Sam nods before asking, "So with Lucifer, we've just got to hope that one day we'll get lucky and find him?"

"We should follow any leads that there is and continue hunting for him until we find him. I'm sure there are more demons around now that know where he is. I doubt that upon questioning they would tell us anything but we should still question them if we have the chance."

Sam nods, "I'll call Bobby when we get back, tell him to look out for any Lucifer signs."

"That would be wise," Castiel nods.

"So that's all of it right? Our plan?" Sam asks.

"Yes, I suppose it is," Castiel says. It doesn't sound like much of a plan. He wishes there is something else he could do; surely there must be something else? Future Dean had told him to continue looking for his Father which would ultimately find something else of import but when is that going to actually happen? When are they going to end this battle?

"Doesn't sound like much of a plan to me," Dean voices Castiel's thoughts gruffly.

"Dean, it's better than nothing. We have the colt remember?" Sam places his arm on Dean's shoulder.

Dean sighs and then mutters "Are we done here?"

"Yes," Castiel replies.

"Good, take us back," Dean orders.

After thanking Chuck for his assistance, he takes Dean and Sam back to their motel room. Sam stills gasps when they arrive at their destination, still clearly not used to Castiel's flying yet. Castiel watches as Dean rummages through his bag, Sam turning the television on and perching on the bed.

Dean, while still looking through his bag, asks roughly, "What are you still doing here Cas?"

"What?" the hurt evident in Castiel's voice.

"Well, don't you have God to find?"

"Uh- yes," Castiel breathes out, disappearing on them before they can ask any more questions, before they can even talk to him. He finds he doesn't want to be in Dean's environment if he clearly doesn't want him there. He'll just do what Sam had told him to do in the first place, leave him to 'cool off'. Besides, this version of Dean is starting to upset him, to  _anger_ him because Castiel hasn't done anything wrong and he shouldn't be blamed for something that Dean did on his own accord.

He goes back to Future Dean, feeling his body relax when he sees Dean look up at him and smile widely, reaching over and grabbing Castiel's hand and pulling him down next to him on the couch. Castiel leans into Dean before Dean pulls him on top of him so Castiel is sitting on his lap, his back flush against Dean's chest.

"At the moment, being with present you is exasperating," Castiel notes.

Dean wraps him his arms around Castiel's waist, kissing the back of his neck, "Hey, that's still  _me_  you're talking about."

"The statement still stands," Castiel says dryly.

Dean chuckles into his neck, making the hairs stand on end, "Okay Cas, I get it, he's pissed you off."

"Yes," Castiel shuffles in Dean's grasp.

"Are you pissed at me as well?" Dean asks and Castiel can hear the frown in his voice.

"No, why would I be?" Castiel replies, frowning himself. This Dean hasn't done anything to him so why would he be angry with him?

"Because like I said, the person who has pissed you off is still me. I mean sure, it's past me but all the stuff he's done to piss you off, I did all of that to you," Dean rests his chin on Castiel's shoulder.

"Oh," Castiel thinks for a moment, "Are you sorry?"

"Yes," Dean says, tightening his hold of Castiel.

"Then I forgive you," Castiel says, leaning back onto Dean.

"Well that was easy," Dean jokes, kissing Castiel's neck, finding Castiel's pressure point. He lets his tongue slide against it, biting at it gently.

"On- On second thoughts I don't forgive you," Castiel breathes out heavily.

"You don't?" Dean pulls back slightly.

"I think you need to  _show_ me how sorry you are."

Dean smirks, "Oh yeah?"

"Yes," Castiel smiles, "I will only believe that you're sorry if you show me."

"Cas?" Dean asks, going back to kissing Castiel's neck.

"Yes Dean?" Castiel's voice wavers as Dean nibbles on his ear.

"Take off your clothes," Dean orders, " _Now."_

Castiel nods and for the first time, without even a thought, he uses his grace to strip him and Dean of their clothing. He feels his heart quicken as he realises he's just used an absurd amount of his grace to do something so trivial, something that he could have done without his grace but then he feels Dean's dick against him and forgets to care. Besides, he's not going to need to use his grace in the next few hours, he'll be busy doing other things while it recharges.

"Jesus Cas," Dean stutters.

"Language Dean," Castiel chides. He didn't usually correct Dean when he used his Father or any other religious being in vain but just when they're about to have sex it has to be done. He doesn't want to be thinking about Jesus when he's naked on Dean's lap.

"Sorry," Dean murmurs, going back to kissing Castiel's neck, his hands trailing down Castiel's chest and stomach till one hand wraps around his dick. He starts a painfully slow rhythm, Castiel moaning impatiently but feeling his breath hasten all the same.

After a few seconds he manages to pant out, "Dean, I want you in me, please."

"Oh," Dean slows his hand movement until he stops altogether, "Then we kind of need to move because we need lube."

"We do?" Castiel asks, shivering as Dean's hands trace his ribs.

"It'll hurt without it and I don't want to hurt you baby," Dean kisses Castiel's shoulder gently. Without warning Dean, he uses his wings to go to the bedroom, opens the drawer, collects the lubricant and is back on Dean's lap in seconds, placing it in Dean's hands.

"Fuck, Cas."

"Now show me how sorry you are," Castiel orders, sitting further forward so Dean can reach into him.

"You're really hungry for it today aren't you?" Dean teases. Before Castiel can comment that he isn't 'hungry', he just wants sex, Dean is pushing a finger inside him and Castiel can't form a coherent thought. Castiel pushes down to Dean's touch, wanting him inside him as much as possible. He moans when Dean leans forward, using his other hand to slowly stroke Castiel's cock, kissing Castiel's neck in addition. Dean pushes in a second finger and Castiel can't help but cry out as he feels Dean inside him, feels his fingers opening him up. Dean pushes further in and then he's hitting his prostrate and Castiel's whole body shudders in pleasure.

"You like that huh?" Dean murmurs.

"Yes, Dean please, I want- I want you," Castiel pants, still in awe at how Dean can do this to him, to make him completely undone, not even able to form a sentence.

Dean pushes against Castiel's prostrate again but then he pulls out and takes his other hand off Castiel's dick, causing Castiel to unwillingly whimper at the lack of contact. Dean grips onto Castiel's hips, moving him slightly, pushing him up and then Castiel can feel Dean's dick near his entrance.

"Okay, push down Cas," Dean commands and Castiel does, feeling Dean slowly envelop him, his muscles tightening against him, taking him in eagerly. Dean moans into his ear, Castiel letting the back of his head rest on Dean's shoulder as he just  _feels._

"I want you to touch yourself while we do this baby," Dean orders, his voice cracking slightly as Castiel moans. Castiel looks down at himself and slowly wraps a hand around his dick. He's never pleasured himself before, never known the true extent of the gratification it gave you before Dean 'corrupted' him. He tries to copy what Dean had done to him before, letting his hand jerk upwards and downward, eliciting a moan escape his own lips. Yes, Dean has taught him well.

"Cas, I kind of need you to move for me," Dean says, his voice strained. Castiel complies, letting himself rock against Dean's dick, Dean moaning loudly into his ear as he starts to move. Dean guides him into a better position, quickening his speed by his grasp on Castiel's hips.

"You always want this don't you baby? Wherever you are, you're wanting this."

"Yes," Castiel moans, letting his head rest against Dean's shoulder, feeling overcome with the feeling of Dean being there with him, holding him, being inside him. He feels the sweat bead down his back, on his forehead as he continues to ride Dean quickly.

"You know why Cas? It's because you're mine," Dean groans, digging his fingernails into Castiel's hips, pulling Castiel down hard so Dean is all in Castiel, hitting his prostrate heavily.

Castiel can't help but cry out, feeling himself come, screaming out, "I-I'm yours Dean."

And with that Dean comes inside Castiel with Castiel's name on his lips, his forehead resting against Castiel's back, Castiel feeling his laboured breathing tickling him, making the hairs stand on end.

Castiel turns his head, kissing Dean's temple, his voice still unsteady, "I think you showed me how sorry you were."

Dean smiles into Castiel's back, kissing him softly, "So I'm forgiven?"

"Yes," Castiel smiles, lifting himself up so Dean is out of him, enjoying the slight whimper Dean lets out as he does. Dean wraps his arms around Castiel's waist, pulling him back so Castiel's back is pressed against Dean's chest. Dean leaves trails of kisses down his neck and shoulder, Castiel sighing contently, letting his hands rest on Dean's.

"We should get cleaned up," Dean sighs.

"Okay," Castiel replies but makes no effort to move.

"I don't really want to move though," Dean buries his head in Castiel's neck.

"Am I going to need my grace in the next few hours?" Castiel asks, pulling up one hand to softly brush through Dean's hair.

"Nope."

Castiel uses his grace to clean them up, feeling his powers wane to a very small amount. It worries him how easily it is to do that now, to push his grace to the limit like this and by doing what? Something as simple as removing clothing and cleaning up his vessel and another human can do this to him. How is he going to be useful in defeating Lucifer?

"Cas?"

"What?" Castiel asks, clearing his head of all these troubling thoughts, focusing on Dean instead.

"Want to watch some  _Superman_ now?" Dean asks with a wry smile, "The disc is already in on pause and I was going to play it when you got here but you kinda distracted me."

"Yes, I would like that very much Dean," Castiel tilts his head to kiss Dean's temple. Dean smiles and reaches for the remote and the blanket that's rested against the back of the couch, pulling it over them both. Castiel thinks that perhaps he should move off Dean's lap but when he tries to, Dean just grips him tighter, pulling him even closer which Castiel hadn't thought possible. Castiel leans back, smiling as Dean presses play, Castiel ready to finally understand one more human matter- who _Superman_ is.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for references to Dean's hell/Short scene of strong violence

The next day he spends with Future Dean, having breakfast with him, watching daytime television, doing ordinary human things. Dean seems happier, much happier than present Dean, joking away, starting a water fight between the two of them when Castiel offers to help clean the dishes. It’s true that this Dean is happier but Castiel can't help but see the small moments, when Dean's face will fall, when it will suddenly be covered in terrible grief that reminds Castiel of the new dark spots on Dean's soul. He wants to ask, to find out what happened in the future but he doesn't want to pry. He knows that Dean would probably not tell him anyway but truthfully, the main reason Castiel doesn't ask is because he's scared. He's scared of what could have possibly happened that has made Dean have those new terrible parts to his soul. Castiel doesn't want to know, wants to pretend everything is okay, that Dean is okay.

Now, Castiel just uses a different tactic in it all. Whenever he sees Dean's face tighten, his eyes full of ghosts, Castiel will lean in and kiss him and Dean will relax back into a smile, the sadness forgotten.

"Dean, can I ask you something?" Castiel asks when they're sitting on the couch, Dean's legs resting on Castiel's lap.

"Hmm?" Dean replies, turning his gaze from the television to Castiel.

"How do you know when to help us?"

"Well, I still have my phone where I got all the messages from  _Superman_ ," Dean rolls his eyes at that but smiles all the same, "So I look at that for the dates and times for when I need to send texts to my past self. And with the other things, I know because I either was there in the past, like with me saving Sammy from the werewolf, or because other people have told me about it."

"Other people? You mean Chuck?" Castiel asks and Dean nods in reply.

"And why do you locate yourself here?" Castiel asks, asking as many questions as possible because Dean seems to be in an answering mood.

"Because this is where I need to be," Dean says, looking back at the television, crossing his arms.

"Oh," Castiel slumps his shoulders, realising that question time is over but for some reason he decides to push it, "So you're not staying here to hide out? Because I was going to say if you were I would take you somewhere safe, somewhere like where I took Chuck"

Dean's lips quirk upwards, "Well that sounds pretty good Cas and I wish you could take me to Hawaii or some shit like that but like I said, I gotta stay here."

"Okay," Castiel smiles, wondering  _why_ Dean has to stay here, what will happen in this location that will require Future Dean's assistance.

"Hey, stop working your feathery brain into a twist," Dean digs his foot into Castiel's thigh.

"I'm not," Castiel says in defence.

"Yeah you are," Dean smirks, sitting up to kiss Castiel's jaw, before leaning back again.

"I wouldn't have to think so much if you just told me everything," Castiel murmurs.

"Not gonna happen," Dean says, still smirking.

"You're insufferable," Castiel mutters.

"Yep," Dean nods with a grin, "That's me."

* * *

 

Near the evening Castiel leaves Dean's sleeping frame to search for his Father, realising that he has relaxed on the search. He’s been too distracted with Future Dean to focus on searching for God, something that he shouldn't have done but ultimately doesn't regret, although he probably should.

It's in the second hour, when he is flitting around Mexico that his phone begins to ring, Castiel picking it up automatically, not even looking to see who it is.

"Cas, I can't wake Dean up again," Sam's obviously pained voice comes through the phone.

"Tell me where you," Castiel orders, feeling his heart quicken. Hadn't Chuck said that Dean would be able to handle it? His chest feels like it's constricting when he thinks of what Lucifer could be possibly doing in his mind.

Sam tells him frantically what motel room they're in and Castiel makes his way there within seconds, placing his fingertips on Dean's forehead and reaching inside his mind without even acknowledging Sam's presence.

He finds himself in another version of Hell again, an illusion of Dean in the centre, carving away at someone, ripping away at the skin and tearing into the nerves. The person he is torturing is beyond recognition, the face torn away to only muscles, eyes still rolling around in terror. He watches as Dean, with a small smirk on his face, makes a new tear into the skin into their inner thigh, the person somehow managing to scream out in pain. Castiel tears his eyes away from the scene, trying to find Dean or at least Lucifer. Surprisingly, Lucifer is nowhere to be found but he finds Dean sitting in the corner, his head buried in his knees, hands compressed against his ears.

Castiel runs towards him and gently places his hands on Dean's shoulders. Dean flinches slightly but doesn't make any effort to move.

"Dean, it's me, Castiel," Castiel squeezes Dean's shoulders, desperate to make some kind of response from the rocking Dean before him. Dean just shudders, his face still hidden.

"Dean, this is just a dream, you just have to wake up."

Dean doesn't respond so Castiel tries to prise his hands from his ears but Dean's too strong. This is Dean's dream so he can make himself inhumanly strong; make himself a shell so nothing can get to him. If he can do this why can't he just wake up?

"Dean, please," Castiel lets his hands cover Dean's, letting his forehead rest against the top of Dean's head.

Still no response.

The piercing screams stop but then they're quickly being replaced by someone else's frantic cries and he can hear the replica of Dean start to carve this person too, a young female who's screaming out for mercy.

Dean doesn't give it.

"Dean, you have to wake up," Castiel pleads but Dean doesn't even move, no longer even rocking, just still, his body taut. Castiel realises that he's not going to be able to reach him, that he can't force Dean to listen to him and if Dean isn't going to listen to him, he's not going to be able to help him wake up.

Where is Lucifer? He's obviously controlling the dream but he's nowhere to be found. If he could see Lucifer he might be able to stop it, to distract Lucifer onto focusing on torturing Castiel instead of Dean. Although, if Lucifer doesn't want to be seen in Dean's mind, Castiel isn't going to be able to find him.

"Dean, please," Castiel pleads one last time but he realises it's useless, that he can't reach Dean; the dream has gone too far. Castiel doesn't even know how long Dean has been in the dream without him. Dean makes no sound, no movement and Castiel realises what he's going to have to do, something that Castiel doesn't even know he's capable of doing with his waning grace.

"I'm going to get you out of here Dean," Castiel promises, feeling his heart lurch as he leaves the dream and Dean's mind, feeling like he's abandoning him.

"Cas, what's going on? Why hasn't Dean woken-" Sam starts to ask, his voice a higher pitch than normal.

"Silence," Castiel orders and surprisingly Sam quietens down, standing still, waiting for Castiel to do something. Castiel places his forefinger on Dean's forehead, takes a deep breath and then pulls at Dean's consciousness, forcing him to wake up. He feels his grace try and push against him but he rams it onwards, only thinking about how he needs to save Dean. Tiny beads of sweat fall down the back of his neck and he feels his legs nearly give away but he continues pulling at Dean's consciousness even harder and just as he thinks it's no use, that he's not going to be able to do it; Dean sits up gasping for air, his eyes wide.

"Dean!" Sam breathes a sigh of relief.

Castiel feels his legs give way, his hands gripping onto the mattress as he falls, the only thing stopping him from falling altogether. His head feels like its underwater, exhaustion taking over his body. Using all that grace was foolish but then again, he wasn't going to leave Dean to be tortured in his own mind.

Two arms grip him and pull him to a chair, Sam's concerned face in his blurred vision, "Cas, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm- I'm fine," Castiel pants, his vision slowly coming back to him.

"What did you do?" Dean asks as he gets off the bed and hovers over Sam and Castiel.

"I couldn't- I couldn't get through to you in there and the only way to get you out was to force you into consciousness. I wasn't sure I would be able to do it but I managed to," Castiel smiles weakly up at Dean who frowns back. It's only then that Castiel remembers that Dean is angry with him, that they're not really talking.

"You shouldn't have done that Cas, I could have fucking handled it," Dean snaps back.

Castiel narrows his eyes, "You didn't look like you were handling it Dean, far from it. I couldn't just leave you trapped in your own mind with  _Lucifer_."

"I would have gotten out eventually. You know why I didn't reply to you when you were in there? I was fucking focusing on changing what the dream was so I could get out.  _You_ being there was putting me off, trying to talk to me and all that shit. If you hadn't have got into my head I would have been out a whole lot quicker."

Castiel doesn't know how to reply to this. Dean  _could_  be telling the truth. But then again, he could be lying, to try and save face, to not show how truly broken he is which is the more likely scenario. Either way, Castiel's mind is too muddled to think straight to try and see which one it is.

"He was helping Dean!" Sam snaps back.

"Well I didn't fucking need it okay? Why was he here anyway, did you call him?" Dean looks at Sam accusingly as Castiel tries to make it so his head isn't swimming, that his legs don't feel like they would give way if he stood up. He knows that if he tried to use his wings right now he wouldn't get very far.

"Yes I called him because  _you_  called out for him in your sleep, that's the only way I knew that you were stuck in your dream with Lucifer," Sam glares at Dean before looking back at Castiel, glancing him over worriedly.

"Well I didn't fucking mean to call out for him and you should have left me in there Cas, I would have fucking sorted it but this is what you do isn't it? You put your fucking wings where they don't need to be but I don't fucking need it okay; I don't need you thinking you need to save me all the fucking time. I handled myself without you and I can damn do it now," Dean snarls.

Castiel is too tired to reply, too tired to even try and understand Dean's anger. All he had done was save Dean from Lucifer when he had looked like he had needed saving. Even if Dean had been focusing on getting out of the dream without Castiel, what was the issue of Castiel being the one to do it instead?

"Dean, how about being grateful for a second," Sam stands up, patting Castiel on the shoulder before turning to Dean, " _Look_  at him Dean."

"Yeah, exactly, I don't need him to be nearly fucking killing himself to help me okay? Especially when I don't need the fucking help! Cas would be a whole lot better if he just fucked back off to Heaven with his shitty brothers and sisters," Dean shouts back, his hand wavering in Castiel's direction but not looking at him, keeping his angry gaze locked on Sam. Castiel wonders if it would be best to just leave the boys to it, if they would even notice if he left.

Sam's voice softens, "So this is what this is about?"

Castiel frowns, not knowing what Sam means by 'this'. What part of Dean's insulting speech does Sam see as the whole reason as to why Dean is acting in this manner? Why did humans, particularly the Winchesters it seemed, always have to speak like this, to not just say how they are feeling or what has angered or upset them, rather to talk in riddles about their emotions instead? How is this easier? Castiel is surprised to find that he doesn't really care anymore, that what Dean had said had hit him a lot harsher than perhaps even Dean intended. And if he did intent it as harsh as it sounded then perhaps Castiel doesn't want to know this Dean anymore. Didn't Dean realise that he couldn't go back to Heaven even if he wanted to? That choosing Dean over them, something that had only helped bring the apocalypse anyway, meant that he would never be able to go back, that his brothers and sisters had abandoned him? That Dean and Sam are all he has?

"I'm going out," Dean grunts, ignoring Sam's question, pulling on some jeans nearest to him and his jacket, storming out of the room within a few minutes, not even glancing in Castiel's direction. It's only then that Castiel realises that Dean never said thank you, never even asked whether Castiel was okay.

Sam sighs, his shoulders deflating before he turns back to Castiel, a frown on his face, "You okay man?"

"I'm fine," Castiel says and it's true, he already feels better than before, his vision fully clear, his legs seemingly back to their normal working state. It is only fatigue that lingers with him and the bitter taste of Dean's anger.

"Thanks Cas, for y'know, saving Dean... Again," Sam smiles. Castiel just nods in reply, grateful that at least one of the Winchester's is thankful for his presence. Sam stays silent for a while, glancing back at the door that had been slammed only moments ago.

"Is he okay Cas?" Sam asks softly.

Castiel considers lying but knows that Sam would probably see through it and he realises that he doesn't want to lie about this anyway so he answers truthfully, "No, I don't think he is."

"What was going on in his dream Cas?"

Castiel sighs, "Lucifer is using Dean's memories of Hell to torment him."

Sam sucks in a breath, "What does Lucifer even fucking want from him?"

"For him to die? To give up? Or to take his side? I don't know Sam but what I do know is that Lucifer won't succeed, that we  _will_ defeat him. He is not taking your brother, Sam," Castiel promises.

"Thanks Cas," Sam smiles thinly, "Sometimes I wonder why you even stick around with us with all the shit we've caused you.  _And_  the fact that we don't always act grateful but we are you know, we're  _really_  grateful and I don't know, I just wanted you to know that."

"Thank you Sam," Castiel can't help but smile back because he can feel that this is the turning point between him and Sam, their friendship finally evolving. Before this, it had often felt like Sam put up with Castiel for Dean but now here they are, communicating without Dean, and Sam is  _thanking_ him.

"And Dean's grateful too you know," Sam offers after a couple of seconds.

Castiel feels his face darken, "I don't think he is."

"He is Cas, he just finds it difficult to say it that's all, you know Dean."

"I don't think I do," Castiel utters, "I don't know  _this_ Dean, Sam. He just- he won't talk to me, won't even look at me and I don't even know why. And truthfully? I think I'm past caring trying to figure it out now. I have more important things to do than worry about what Dean Winchester thinks of me."

"Cas," Sam starts, a pleading note in his voice.

"Goodbye Sam, call me if you need anything but then again, that would be the only reason you  _would_ call me," Castiel says bitterly, leaving Sam before he can say anything back, finding he doesn't want to hear anything from Sam either. Yes, Sam is grateful for what he does for them but that's all Castiel is to both of them, a helpful tool in stopping Lucifer, nothing more. Yes, they may say that they are his friends but do friends do this to each other? Only call when they need help? And then not even thank you? He has given everything for them and this was how they repay him? How Dean repays him?

With everything that is going on with present Dean, Castiel can't help but struggle with the idea of him and Future Dean, of how they would get together, especially when he doesn't even want to be in the same room as present Dean anymore. He understands Dean's distress, he does, he can't imagine what it would feel like to be forced into watching your own experiences from Hell, but this isn't Castiel's fault. And Dean kissing him? That isn't Castiel's fault either and Dean shouldn't blame Castiel for his own actions, even if it is something that Dean so greatly regrets a second after doing it. It isn't Castiel's fault and he is tired of being blamed for it.


	14. Chapter 14

Castiel decides to visit Chuck before going to Future Dean. He can't help but feel that he might push his irritated feelings of present Dean onto Future Dean, getting angry at him .Even though Castiel  _knows_ it's the same person, that Future Dean said all these horrible things to him in the past, he doesn't want to be angry with him. Future Dean is clearly sorry for his past actions and doesn't think the things that present Dean does or he wouldn't kiss him or hold him or look at him like he's more than a soldier for their games.

All of these thoughts just make Castiel question when his life had become so disarrayed, when he not only has Lucifer's uprising to worry about but two Dean's that treat him completely different even if they are the same person, just from two different time points.

He finds Chuck asleep, his eyes clearly moving around under his eyelids, his body clenching and unclenching, clearly dreaming heavily about something that probably has something to do with the Winchesters. Castiel wishes that he were the one sleeping instead. He can already feel his own eyelids drooping as the choice to use all his grace on Dean punishing him, showing him that he can't just use that much of his grace without consequences.

"Chuck, wake up," Castiel nudges Chuck's shoulder strongly, too tired to wait for Chuck to wake up on his own accord.

Chucks gasps, sitting upright, looking at Castiel with wide, terrified eyes, "Ca-Castiel?"

"Yes."

"I just- I just had a dream about Dean, he's going to be stuck in with Lucifer again so you should get there as soon as possible because if you don't you're going to have to use your grace to pull Dean out and then you'll wear yourself out and then Dean's going to be pissed at you," Chuck gasps quickly, not taking a second to breathe.

"Chuck, that all just literally happened," Castiel states, his eyebrows furrowing.

"It did? Well shit," Chuck grabs the beer bottle beside his bed and takes a long gulp of it.

"So now you're not even seeing the future, you're seeing it at the exact point that it's happening," Castiel feels his chest tighten because not having Chuck actually see things in the future is yet another problem for them all.

"I saw a couple of other things after you left them though so I'm still seeing  _some_ things from the future," Chuck shrugs.

"What did you see?"

"Nothing much really, Sam and Dean are going to argue about-“ Chuck winces, “Well, about you. And I saw you with Future Dean as well," Chuck takes another gulp.

"Oh," Castiel can't help but think of all the things that Chuck has had to see featuring him and Future Dean and he feels himself blush in the dark room.

"It's kinda crazy you know, you and Dean from the future but I guess it makes sense," Chuck nods.

"What do you mean?" Castiel looks down at Chuck with a frown.

"Well, when I first saw you two, erm, get it on I was like 'what the fuck?' but when I thought about it, it works you know? It explains why you two are always giving longing stares at each other and shit like that," Chuck trails off, brushing the back of his neck nervously. Castiel doesn't really know how to reply to that other than smile tiredly because Chuck isn't disgusted by his actions, the fact that he is with Future Dean when present Dean doesn't know, doesn't even like him.

Castiel changes the subject back, "What happened in Dean's dream before I got there, did Lucifer say anything to him?"

Chuck sighs, "Just that if Dean didn't stand down he was going to find him and kill him or make him go nuts by keeping him in the dream. And then he kinda just left Dean in the dream to make him, well, er, go nuts?"

"This is not good news," Castiel mutters, thinking about how if Dean just let him in he could help him through this but he knows that Dean doesn't want his help and Castiel can't force him. He knows that would only cause more problems.

"No, it's not," Chuck agrees with a sigh before looking up at Castiel with helpful eyes, "Want anything else?"

"No, thank you Chuck, I'll leave you to go back to sleep." Castiel smiles gratefully, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Nah, I mean, you've put me in a fancy mansion in freaking Hawaii! What more could you do for me?" Chuck grins.

"Well, if there is anything you need or want, don't hesitate to call."

"I will, and I'll call if there's any major shit happening in my dreams and hopefully I'll dream it before it actually happens this time," Chuck rolls his eyes, settling back into his bed.

"Yes, thank you," Castiel smiles, leaving Chuck to go back to sleep.

After hesitating for a moment he takes himself to Future Dean, a slight worry in the back of his mind that he might pass on his resentment towards present Dean onto Future Dean and ruin their relationship. The worry leaves his mind as soon as he sees Dean lying on the couch, eyes closed, and chest slowly rising and falling. Castiel takes the remote gently from Dean's hand and turns off the television, the room getting significantly darker. He shrugs off his coat, suit jacket and tie, and lies next to Dean, his back pressed up against Dean's chest. He feels Dean stir behind him, an arm suddenly wrapping itself around Castiel, pulling him in tighter.

"I did try and stay awake for you but I guess I kinda failed."

"Its fine Dean," Castiel smiles sadly because this is all he wants, to be in Dean's arms, to not have to worry about Lucifer or how present Dean hates him and how they can possibly become  _this_ in the future.

"You okay?" Dean asks softly.

"I'm just fatigued," Castiel says with a sigh, realising that he is doing exactly what he finds annoying about Dean, hiding away from his problems and pretending everything is okay. Castiel supposes he has learnt from the best when it comes to emotional repression.

"Okay Cas," Dean says and Castiel just knows that Dean can tell there is something more. Dean knows everything that happened today with his past self, how he had stormed off from Castiel yet again. He can't help but thank Dean silently for not pushing it, for not forcing him to talk about it, not right now. Being here in Dean's arms just helps everything feel better, helps him forget about all his problems and he can already feel himself beginning to smile.

"Can we perhaps just lie here instead of having intercourse?" Castiel asks.

Dean laughs into his neck, "Sure we can Cas."

"Can we have sex tomorrow morning instead?"

"I'll never say no to morning sex Cas," Dean kisses the back of his head; letting his legs tangle with Castiel's.

"Okay, good," Castiel smiles softly, closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry you know," Dean says softly, almost too soft for Castiel to hear.

"What?" Castiel asks, feeling his throat constrict.

"For all the shit things I've said and done to you in the past. I didn't mean any of it and if I could go back and take it all back I would because I meant  _none_ of it Cas and you should know that," Dean says.

"Thank you," Castiel feels his body relax further into Dean's. The fact that this Dean can apologise so easily, see what's wrong with Castiel even when Castiel doesn't tell him and try and make it better astounds Castiel and he has to bite back three words that would most probably ruin it.

"You've done so many things for me Cas, even more than you know and I guess I want to say thanks as well as sorry," Dean whispers into Castiel's neck, noticeably tightening his hold on Castiel. Castiel lets his hand grasp onto Dean's, pulling it up to him and kissing it lightly in reply before letting it rest back against his waist. They stay silent for a while and Castiel can feel himself wanting to drift off, to sleep in Dean's arms, the only place he feels truly safe.

"Can I ask you something?" Dean asks, breaking the silence.

"Anything," Castiel replies.

"When you said you'd handle the archangels and you dropped me off to stop Lilith, did you know that you'd die?" Dean asks, an odd sense of pain behind the words.

"I knew it was more than likely," Castiel answers back. But it had been more than likely hadn't it? Castiel had known that he would die, that he wouldn't be able to defeat Raphael yet he'd chosen to do it anyway. For Earth, _for_ _Dean._

"Shit, Cas," Dean breathes out.

"I did what was necessary," Castiel replies.

"You did way more than necessary Cas, way _way_ more," Dean gulps, before asking quietly, "When- When Raphael killed you, where did you go, when you were- when you were dead?"

"I don't know. I remember being killed and the next thing I remember was waking up in a park with an eighty year old man named Samuel asking me if I was okay," Castiel frowns.

"So you don't know what happens to angels when they die?" Dean asks.

"No, I've never really thought about it before," Castiel says truthfully.

"Never thought about it, how can you have not thought about it?" Dean retorts.

"Angels see life and death differently to humans. Before the seals and the apocalypse, angels didn't die very often; it was unheard of so there was no need to think about it."

"Oh," Dean says quietly, "So you have no idea where angels go when they die?"

"No," Castiel sighs, "Perhaps we just cease to exist."

"Maybe you have your own angel Heaven thing going on?" Dean half jokes, his breath tickling Castiel's neck.

"Maybe," Castiel smiles faintly. He doesn't like to think of his death, whenever it may be. He knows that his own death is likely to be sooner rather than later with all the angels after him, including Lucifer himself. Castiel doubts that God will bring him back a second time, especially since Castiel doesn't understand why he brought him back the first time. What is so important about Castiel except the fact that he knows the two most important humans on Earth?

"What's Heaven actually like? Is it different for humans and angels?" Dean asks curiously.

"Yes, for angels it's... Home," Castiel says simply, feeling his heart tighten as he realises he's probably never going to see Heaven again, never see his home again or his brothers and sisters. The worst part is that he  _hopes_ he never sees his brothers and sisters again because if he does it will mean that he’ll be fighting to the death with them.

Dean kisses the back of his head, "And for humans?"

"For humans Heaven is whatever they want it to be."

"So if I wanted it to be a cloud full of naked women it would be that?"

"Dean!" Castiel nudges at Dean harshly but he can't help but smile.

"Joking Cas," Dean kisses his neck, waiting for Castiel to turn his head before kissing him on the mouth softly, "So if I went to Heaven, I could make it what I want?"

" _When_ , not if, and yes."

"So I could see all my family again, my mom and dad? And Sam when he dies?" Dean's voice goes soft and Castiel squeezes his hand tightly.

"Yes, you would get to see them all," Castiel replies, letting his thumb make small circular motions on Dean's hand.

"What about you, would you be there?" Dean asks.

"You would want me there?" Castiel says slowly.

"Course I would," Dean kisses the back of his head again, "Would it actually be you or some weird carbon copy that Heaven conjures up for me?"

Castiel thinks for a moment before saying, "If I were allowed to be back in Heaven without being executed then yes, it would be me, not a copy. And I would stay with you in your Heaven for as long as you would want me."

"So forever then?" Dean asks quietly, nuzzling Castiel's neck.

"Forever," Castiel smiles at the possibility of spending an eternity with Dean, knowing that in reality it won't happen, that he'll never be able to return to Heaven to actually do it. He knows that he'll just have to cherish the moments he has with Dean on Earth because when either of them dies that will be the end.

"Good," Dean whispers, before saying confidently, "I think that your dad will make it so you can be in my heaven anyway. I mean, you're obviously one of his favourites, he brought you back to life and everything and he obviously loves me because I'm the chosen one or some shit who kills Lucifer so I think even if you wasn't allowed to come back to Heaven or if you- you died then God would make it so you'd be in my Heaven with me."

"I'm not one of his favourites," Castiel says instantly because he can't be, he's not even an archangel, he's never even seen his Father or heard his voice.

"Sure you are. If God has good taste then you're definitely his favourite and don't even bother arguing with me because I'm always right so there."

"You are most definitely not always right," Castiel mutters.

"Hey, I heard that you dick," Dean tickles his ribs as punishment and Castiel can't help but laugh, Dean jumping on top of him to tickle his sides more vigorously, only stopping when Castiel tells him that Dean is always right through gasping breaths. Dean kisses his lips softly, letting himself bite down on Castiel's bottom lip gently.

"Want to go to bed?" Dean asks and then smirks, "To sleep, not have 'intercourse'."

Castiel smiles, "Yes, let's go to bed."

Dean jumps off him, pulling Castiel up by his hand and leading him to the bedroom, only letting go of him as they both strip down to their boxers. Castiel takes considerably longer than Dean because he still struggles to pry open the buttons on his shirt for some reason but when he's finished he lets himself be buried into Dean's open arms.

"Remember, you promised me morning sex," Dean says closely to his ear.

"I won't disappoint," Castiel promises, kissing Dean gently on the neck, "Now, go to sleep."

"Okay, night Cas."

 


	15. Chapter 15

Over the course of the next few days Castiel immerses himself with Future Dean, never leaving his side until he decides to hunt for his Father. Even then he takes as little time as possible, always wanting to go back to Dean and Dean is always waiting there for him, a smile on his face.

Castiel doesn't visit present Sam and Dean, not wanting to see Dean look at him with hatred or to see Sam's pitying face. He doesn't get any calls or messages off Dean but Sam sends the occasional text message to tell them what motel room they're currently occupied in, just in case Castiel would need to visit them urgently. Other than that, Castiel makes no attempt to contact them, Future Dean not saying anything about it, as if he understands why and he respects his decision. Castiel feels like he should be sad at his lack of contact with them but with Dean in his arms he finds it difficult to care.

After a comfortable day of mainly lounging on the couch, a day that Dean had labelled 'a selfish lazy day’, only moving to get food or for Dean to go to the bathroom, Dean turns to him, shutting the television off, "Hey Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?" Castiel turns his attention to Dean, who's fidgeting with his fingers and biting his lip.

"I want to give you something," Dean looks down at Castiel and smiles shyly.

"What?" Castiel asks, tightening his hold of Dean's waist, assuming it's something sexual which ultimately would be very good indeed.

"Here," Dean says as he opens Castiel's hand and with Castiel's wide eyes on him, he pulls off his ring and places it on Castiel's palm.

"Dean?" Castiel stares at the ring in his hand, the ring that Castiel has never seen Dean take off, the ring that Castiel knows means a lot to Dean, an awful lot and now he is giving it to him?

"I want you to have it Cas," Dean smiles.

"I can't," Castiel shakes his head, staring at the ring in his palm, watching the light glint off it.

"Yes you can," Dean kisses him, "I want you to have it so you're having it okay?"

"O-Okay," Castiel finally takes his eyes off the ring and looks at Dean instead, his eyes twinkling. Dean leans in and kisses him softly, letting his hands rest at the back of Castiel's neck, pulling him further into the kiss. When they break free Dean lets his forehead rest against Castiel's, his breath intermixing with Castiel's own.

Castiel grasps the ring tight in his hand before realising sadly, "I won't be able to wear it, Sam and past you will see it."

Dean kisses the corner of his mouth before standing up smiling, "Hold on a sec."

"Dean?" Castiel asks cautiously as Dean leaves the room, the noise of a drawer opening in the bedroom and then Dean is back in the room, a small chain in his hand. He takes the ring from Castiel's palm and links it onto the chain, his eyebrows furrowed. He leans down into Castiel and Castiel tugs on him to sit on him, straddling Castiel's lap, causing a knowing smirk from Dean and a quick peck on the lips.

"Here," Dean smiles as he puts the small necklace around Castiel's neck, closing the clasp with a few swear words as to how fiddly it is. He drops his hands and Castiel looks down to see Dean's ring around his neck, letting his hand reach up to it and touch it absentmindedly as he looks up to Dean's open face.

"Now you can wear it all the time," Dean smiles.

"Thank you Dean, I love it," Castiel smiles up at Dean, realising that he's not afraid to say the three words anymore, that Dean needs to hear them even if he doesn't think it back, "I love  _you_."

For a moment Castiel thinks he's ruined it, that Dean is going to pull the ring from his neck and run away. For a very small moment Castiel thinks of what his life would be like without this Dean and he feels like he's suffocating. But the moment disappears when Dean's face lights up, his face suddenly burying itself in Castiel's neck, his arms wrapped tightly around him.

"Love you Cas, so much," Dean's gives a muffled response and all Castiel can do is let his hand rest on the back of Dean's head, the other tightened around Dean's waist as he comes to the realisation that Dean loves him. He  _loves_ him. Dean Winchester, a man that loves few but when he does, he loves them completely and irrevocably, doing everything he could for those chosen few. And now Castiel is one of them. Dean, who arguably has only loved people on a familial basis, Sam, his mother and father, Bobby- they are his family but Castiel is something completely different to that. Dean doesn't love him because he is family, he simply loves him and Castiel just wants to sit there and hold Dean for eternity to prove that he understands how big this is to Dean and how much Castiel loves him back.

"I love you," Castiel murmurs.

Dean laughs shortly into his neck, "You just said that baby."

"I know but I wanted to say it again," Castiel whispers. Dean kisses him lightly on the neck, Castiel sighing in contentment at just being here with Dean, someone he loves and someone who loves him back.

"Can you do something for me?" Dean mutters.

"Anything," Castiel replies instantly.

Dean pulls away to look at Castiel, amusement in his eyes, "You know, you really shouldn't say that. What if I asked you to go and flash the president or something?"

"You wouldn't ask me to do that," Castiel tilts his head in confusion.

"No, I wouldn't but still, you shouldn't say yes to something when you don't know what you're being asked of," Dean shrugs.

"Dean, stop stalling and tell me what you want me to do."

Dean opens his mouth but then shuts is again, biting his lip. Castiel just manages to see Dean's cheeks redden before he's burying himself back into Castiel's neck.

"Dean?" Castiel feels amusement grow in his chest. Dean mutters something into Castiel's neck, too quiet for even Castiel's enhanced hearing to pick up.

"Dean, what do you want?" Castiel hides his amusement because Dean is obviously finding it difficult to ask of whatever he wants of Castiel.

Dean stays in Castiel's neck and mutters softly, "Want to feel you inside me Cas."

Castiel stills, wondering if he's hearing right but the way Dean stays hidden in Castiel's neck says otherwise so Castiel says slowly, "But I've never done that before."

"I trust you Cas," Dean whispers.

"You do?"

Dean finally comes out of his hiding place, his eyes calm, "Yes."

Castiel nods and leans forward, invading Dean's space, kissing him softly on the mouth, to show that he's not going to hurt Dean, that he'll never hurt Dean. Dean deepens the kiss in reply, wrapping his arms around Castiel's neck, lips, tongues and teeth hitting against each other. Castiel lets his hands slide under Dean's ass, pulling him closer to him before standing up, Dean wrapping his legs around Castiel's waist automatically.

Still kissing, Castiel walks them to the bedroom, dropping Dean on the bed, Dean grabbing a hold of Castiel's shirt to pull him on top of him. Castiel lets himself be pulled, reaching down and kissing Dean roughly, stopping Dean from stripping himself of his own t-shirt, stilling his hands. Dean lets his hands grab a hold of Castiel's shirt again; tugging at him so their kiss is even deeper, Dean moaning into his mouth.

Castiel pulls free, lets his hands glide against Dean's t-shirt before slowly pulling it up over Dean's head, Dean complying easily. As soon as the shirt is thrown across the room, Castiel lets his mouth and hands find Dean's chest, his hands imploring every inch of bare skin, his mouth sucking on Dean's nipple, Dean whimpering below him. He lets his tongue glide down Dean's chest, leaving short kisses down Dean's abdomen, kissing his scar gently before sucking the skin just above the hemline of his jeans.

" _Cas_ ," Dean moans, clearly wanting more and it spurs Castiel on, hearing Dean say his name like that, with so much  _need_  and  _want_.

Castiel yanks down Dean's jeans, his boxers being tugged with them slightly so they fall just below his hips. Dean grunts as Castiel throws Dean's jeans out of the way, letting his hands grip at the hip of Dean's boxers, looking up steadily at Dean, whose cheeks are flushed and pupils near black. Castiel doesn't waste any time in pulling off Dean's boxers, lettings his hands make a quick sweep of Dean's cock, Dean bucking his hips up, desperate for more touch.

"Cas, please," Dean pleads, tugging at Castiel's shirt blindly before their lips hit against each other, Dean rolling his hips against Castiel.

"Patience Dean," Castiel murmurs, smirking when Dean impatiently growls, tugging at Castiel's shirt roughly, fumbling with the buttons. Castiel joins him, tugging at his buttons himself, desperate to be naked now, with Dean below him. With their combined effort, Castiel's shirt is off quickly, Dean grasping at Castiel's belt, undoing it and pulling it off. Castiel then pulls off his own trousers and boxers, pressing himself against Dean, moaning as their dicks finally hit against each other.

Their mouths find each other roughly, Dean's hands trailing down Castiel's back, his fingernails scraping against him.

Castiel breaks free and asks breathlessly, "Are you sure you want this?"

"Cas, just fucking get on with it," Dean growls causing Castiel to chuckle, quickly grabbing the lube beside the bed, coating himself with it, kissing Dean feverishly as he pushes a finger in. He does it as slowly as possible, wary of not wanting to hurt Dean for a second. Dean groans into his mouth, his fingernails digging into his back but he doesn't ask Castiel to stop or look like he's in too much pain so Castiel pushes his finger in completely, moving it around inside Dean to try and find the spot that will make Dean completely undone. Dean moans loudly into Castiel's mouth, the bottom half of his body hitching upwards to Castiel and Castiel knows he's found it. He lets his finger scrape against it again, Dean's head arching backwards.

Castiel pushes a second finger in Dean quickly, pushing them both against his prostrate, knowing that it will mask the pain. In response, Dean murmurs incoherent words, sweat dampening his hair and beading down his forehead. Castiel lets another finger glide inside Dean, manoeuvring them around, opening Dean up from the inside. He lets his fingers rest against Dean's prostrate every so often just so he can feel Dean writhe below him, bucking his hips so Castiel hits against the spot again and again.

"Cas," Dean gasps, "Want you."

"Okay Dean," Castiel murmurs against Dean's jaw, kissing him softly as he pulls out his fingers, Dean whimpering below him at the lack of contact.

Castiel kisses Dean on the forehead before letting his cock rest against Dean's entrance, hovering there for a moment as he murmurs "I love you Dean."

"Love you baby," Dean moans as Castiel slowly pushes himself into Dean, feeling nothing but heat and tightness. Halfway, he has to stop just  _feel,_ gasping at the fact he's inside Dean, that no one else has done this with Dean, that he's the first to be inside him. This spurs him on to push himself completely in _,_ letting his forehead rest in the crook of Dean's neck, panting against him. Dean's fingers find Castiel's hair, his own breath unsteady, other hand making slow motions up and down Castiel's back.

"Am I- Am I hurting you?" Castiel asks, pulling out of Dean's neck to study his face.

"No baby," Dean leans forward to brush their lips together, "I just want you to- Just move for me Cas."

Castiel nods, slowly starting to thrust in and out of Dean, Dean meeting his hips up to Castiel every time he pulls out slightly. Dean just moans underneath him, gripping Castiel's forearms tightly, his head arched back into the pillow. Castiel lets his hands grip onto Dean's thighs, pulling them up more to change the angle that he's pushing into and Dean suddenly gasps underneath him, his eyes opening wide as Castiel starts to hit his prostrate again and again.

"Fuck Cas," Dean groans and Castiel leans down to kiss him roughly, their mouths only just brushing against each other as Dean comes undone, coming with ferocity onto his and Castiel's stomach. Castiel continues to move inside Dean, working through Dean's orgasm, feeling on the brink himself as Dean bucks his hips to meet Castiel every time and then suddenly Castiel is coming inside of Dean with a small cry, collapsing onto Dean as he works his way through it. Dean's hand finds his hair again, brushing his fingers through Castiel's damp hair, murmuring words of comfort and love, a lot of it Castiel can't hear.

Once Castiel finds himself able to move, he pulls himself out of Dean, Dean grabbing him by the waist and pulling him back onto him, Castiel resting his head against Dean's chest lazily, Dean kissing the top of head.

"Why the fuck did I take this long to try that?" Dean asks, still out of breath.

Castiel raises his eyebrows, "That's the first time we did this?"

"Yeah," Dean shuffles underneath Castiel.

"Then why now?" Castiel asks with a frown, wondering why Dean would want to do it with him at this time, rather than Castiel in the future who would most likely know more about these kinds of things.

Dean shrugs, his lips thinning, "I don't know, now seemed like the right time. It's kind of a big deal for me to let myself be you know, vulnerable like that."

Castiel kisses Dean's damp forehead softly, "I love you Dean."

Dean's lips lift into a small smile, "Now that we've ripped the band-aid off, you're not going to stop saying that are you?"

"Band-aid?" Castiel's eyebrows furrow, "What band-aid?"

Dean rolls his eyes and kisses Castiel on the mouth, "Nothing Cas, just, I love you too."

"Good," Castiel kisses Dean again, falling back onto Dean's chest. Soothingly, Dean brushes his hand through Castiel's hair, the other making small patterns on Castiel's back, causing Castiel to shiver. It isn't long until the rise and fall of Dean's chest starts to slow as he drifts to sleep as Castiel realises that he could stay like this forever. He  _wishes_  he could stay here forever in Dean's arms, for the first time feeling safe and without a worry in the world.


	16. Chapter 16

The morning after Dean gives Castiel his ring, they wake up, as always, entangled together. Dean's arm is draped lazily around Castiel's waist, his lips just brushing against Castiel's jaw. Castiel tilts his head to kiss him on the lips, Dean's eyelids fluttering, his green eyes meeting Castiel's. Dean smiles lazily, kissing Castiel on the mouth and then trailing kisses down Castiel's jaw and neck.

"Morning," Dean smiles softly.

"Good morning," Castiel smiles.

"I really need to shower," Dean smirks, his lips still brushing against Castiel's.

"Me too, I suppose I could use my grace but.." Castiel trails off, smiling knowingly.

"Hmm," Dean grins, "Using your grace would be cheating."

"So I guess I need to shower with you then," Castiel murmurs.

Dean grins wider, sitting up quickly. He drags Castiel by the hand to the shower, kissing him urgently on the way, his hands trailing all over Castiel's naked body.

For the next half an hour Castiel finds the joys of taking showers- well to be more precise, the joys of taking showers with Dean.

Even when they leave the shower and they're drying off, Dean doesn't take his gaze from Castiel's and Castiel just smiles coyly back as he dries himself off with a towel. Dean carries on staring before he drops his own towel and walks towards Castiel. Castiel lifts his eyebrows questionably but let's Dean grab the towel from his hand all the same, letting him rub it gently across Castiel's hair before dropping that to the floor too. Dean gazes at him carefully, lifting his hand to let his thumb follow a droplet of water on Castiel's face, cutting the water off before it can drip off his chin.

"You're beautiful like this you know," Dean murmurs, dragging down Castiel's lower lip gently with his thumb, "I mean, you're always beautiful," Dean smiles softly, looking down at Castiel's mouth, "But especially now."

Castiel wants to lean forward and press his lips to Dean's, to say something profound to let Dean know how beautiful  _he_ is but he knows this moment is for Dean, that this is Dean's time to speak and it's important for Castiel to stay silent and listen.

Dean's gaze lifts to meet Castiel's, "I love you Cas, love you so much."

Castiel smiles softly back, reaching out and grabbing a hold of Dean's hand and entangling their fingers together. He leans forward to finally kiss Dean, a soft, short one before saying, "I love you Dean, more than anything,  _always._ "

Dean nods in reply and lets out a long breath, "Always be you, remember?"

Castiel kisses him again, "And it's always been you."

"Yeah," Dean smiles, mouth still brushing against Castiel's and he leans in again, kissing Castiel deeply and Castiel can't help but moan into it. Just as Castiel starts to get into it and to consider getting back in the shower again, Dean stops it, disentangling their hands, "Now get dressed baby."

Castiel nods, kissing Dean on the forehead. The moment is over and they both get dressed, Castiel in his usual attire while Dean walks around with just a pair of sweats on, something that is distracting Castiel terribly, especially when Dean stretches, hip bones on show. Castiel can't help but let out a very quiet, impatient growl and Dean turns to him, lifting his eyebrows in feign surprise.

"You're doing that on purpose," Castiel complains.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Dean's eyes widen innocently, walking across the kitchen to kiss Castiel's forehead.

"Yes you do," Castiel grumbles, letting his fingers curl around Dean's jaw to pull him back down for another forceful kiss before murmuring, "I'm going to go search for my Father now before I jump on you."

Dean stills in his grip, voice strangely tight, "You're going now?"

"Yes, I won't be long," Castiel tilts his head as Dean lets out a shaky breath.

Dean rubs the nape of his neck and smiles thinly, "Yeah okay."

"I'll see you later Dean," Castiel smiles, pressing a kiss on Dean's forehead.

Dean nods, kissing Castiel softly on the mouth, stroking Castiel's cheek, his other hand wrapped tightly around Castiel's wrist.

"Love you baby, never forget that," Dean's forehead rests against Castiel's.

"Love you Dean, always," Castiel smiles, "I'll see you in a few hours."

Dean slowly unwraps his fingers around Castiel's wrist, taking his hand from Castiel's cheek and nods, "Okay, see you in a few hours."

* * *

 

"Cas, please, I need your help," Dean's frenzied voice comes through the phone and Castiel stops in his tracks instantly. Already, he feels like he is about to vomit, forgetting everything about how they're arguing, how he's angry at him because if anything happens to him Castiel doesn't know what he will do.

"Where are you?" Castiel asks, trying to stay calm and failing. Why hadn't Future Dean warned him of this?

It's only when Dean tells him where he is that Castiel realises in horror that this  _is_ Future Dean on the phone because he's at a warehouse half an hour from the cabin that he's been inhabiting. This is  _his_ Dean and he's in trouble and  _oh Father, why had I left him?_

He flies to the warehouse in record speed, not bothering to make a sweep of the building to see who else is in there besides Dean, instead putting himself in the middle of the warehouse. Almost suddenly he feels two sets of arms grasp either of his forearms, stilling him, the stench of the demons filling his nostrils. It's only then that he realises how much trouble he and Dean are in because he can't kill demons simply with his grace anymore so how is he going to save Dean?

"Ah, decided to join us little Castiel?" Lucifer appears in front of Castiel, letting his hand skim Castiel's coat.

 _Oh no_ , this is even worse than Castiel could have ever imagined.

"Where is Dean Winchester?" Castiel spits out, trying to pull himself away from Lucifer, from the two demons chuckling on either side of him.

Lucifer laughs harshly, "Not here you cretin."

Castiel realises, "That was you on the phone pretending to be him?"

"Fell for it pretty easily didn't you?" Lucifer grins mockingly.

Castiel lets himself breathe out in relief in the knowledge that both Deans are safe, that Lucifer hasn't found them, that Lucifer won't be able to find them.

"If I'd have known it would be this easy to get you I would have done this a while ago," Lucifer steps back after patting Castiel's head tauntingly, "But then I suppose I wouldn't have got to have fun inside Dean's skull."

"What do you want of me?" Castiel snaps.

"You are going to tell me where Dean Winchester is," Lucifer smiles.

"No, I won't do that."

Lucifer cocks his head to the right, "You say that like you have a choice."

"I would rather die than tell you anything," Castiel lifts his chin up in defiance.

"Well that can be arranged," Lucifer shrugs, "You sure though? I mean, me and you, we're the same-"

Castiel tries to take a step forward but the demons stop him so he grits out "I am nothing like you."

"Really?" Lucifer raises his eyebrows, "We were both cast out of Heaven. I did hear right, you are falling aren't you? We were both cast out Castiel, we were both loners but if you join me we won't be. Just tell me where Dean Winchester is and then you can join me. I won't hurt you; you're one of my brothers Castiel. Just tell me where he is. After all, he's only a  _human_  Castiel. Would you really choose a human over one of your own brothers? A brother that will give you everything you want? Like your powers back? Is Dean Winchester really worth you dying?"

"Yes," Castiel says, "I will die for Dean and I will die for humanity."

"Very well," Lucifer sighs, gesturing to the two demons, "Leave us be."

The demons disappear but Castiel still finds himself tethered to the spot, Lucifer keeping him where he is as he slowly walks to him, his footsteps making quick sharp noises every time they hit the stone floor.

"I'm disappointed in you Castiel, we could have done amazing things together," Lucifer smiles sadly.

"Just kill me," Castiel spits out, no longer scared of death because he knows that Dean will one day kill Lucifer, that Castiel's death won't be in vain. And dying to protect Dean, Sam and humanity? Dying for them is the perfect way for Castiel to go.

"Okay," Lucifer snaps his fingers and Castiel cries out in pain as he hears a high pitched screaming in his brain, vibrating throughout his whole body and he can’t help but fall to the ground, his hands holding onto his bleeding ears, willing for the noise to stop. He feels blood start to flow from his nose as the screaming is seemingly endless.

The noise stops suddenly, Castiel's ears ringing, his whole body screaming from exhaustion.

Lucifer tilts up Castiel's head with his thumb under Castiel's chin, "What, you thought I was going to just kill you and that be it? You're the first angel I've killed since I've been back and I want to  _enjoy_ this. I'd forgotten how fun it was to slowly destroy an angel."

Castiel finds strength in thinking of what Dean would do in this situation. He would pretend he is unafraid and get the last word. The thought causes Castiel to spit out the blood that's still in his mouth onto Lucifer's face before gritting his teeth and saying, "Fuck you."

For a short moment Lucifer's face is full of pure fury, his eyes easily being compared to the pits of Hell but then a blink later, the blood is gone from his face and a mocking smile is lighting up his face, "Now now, you don't have to be rude."

Screaming takes over Castiel's body again and this time he presses his head to his knees, his eyes clenched shut as the screeching takes over his whole body, sweat pouring off him as he struggles to stay conscious.

Then the noise stops again, "All you have to do is tell me where Dean Winchester is and I'll stop."

A new voice hits the air and Castiel feels his heart stop, "Dean Winchester? Now why the fuck would you want him?"

Lucifer stills before standing up and turning to meet the new person in the room. Castiel looks up to see Dean standing there,  _Future_  Dean, a smug look on his face but Castiel can see the raw fear hiding beneath it as he looks at Lucifer.

"Dean, leave," Castiel gasps.

"Dean, Dean, Dean, nice to finally meet you in the real world," Lucifer ignores Castiel and smiles at Dean and it's only then that Castiel realises that Lucifer doesn't realise that this isn't Dean from the present but him from the future. Lucifer has never saw Dean in real life, only in his mind and he can't see the clear differences in his soul. He has no idea that this Dean is from the future and Castiel can't see whether that is a good thing or something entirely terrible.

"Yeah, it's fucking great to see you too," Dean spits out, "Now let Cas go. You can do whatever the fuck you want to me but you are not hurting Cas, you understand me?"

Lucifer pretends to consider, pouting slightly before going back to grinning, "How about I just have you both instead? Win-win situation for me!"

"No!" Castiel roars out, trying to pull himself out of Lucifer's hold, desperate to get Dean out of here because it can't happen like this, he can't let Dean die.

"I'll finish up with you in a bit Castiel but first, I've got to deal with pesky little Dean here. And don't worry Castiel," Lucifer looks over at Castiel, a small grin tainting his lips, "I'll make it nice and painful for him."

Castiel looks over to Dean in horror, Dean's pained gaze fixed on him, one lone tear falling down his cheek, a whisper "I'm sorry."

"No," Castiel whispers out as Dean falls to the floor, his hands grasping around his stomach as blood slowly starts to seep through his shirt, his eyes pained.

"No!" Castiel screams as he breaks through Lucifer's barrier and leaves them, praying that the Winchester's are at the same motel. No-one's there as he pulls the safe open, not caring that he's ripped the door off its hinges, grasping what he needs and going back to Lucifer, back to Dean.

Lucifer turns to him, eyes wide as Castiel pulls the trigger of the colt, the noise invading the air as the bullet smashes into Lucifer's skull. Lucifer drops to the floor with a deafening thud and then... Nothing.

"Cas?" Dean breathes out, his voice weak. Castiel rushes to Dean's side, dropping to his knees, propping up Dean's head onto his lap.

"Dean, it's okay, I'm going to take you to a hospital and you’re going to-"

"No!" Dean interrupts him, grasping Castiel's hand tightly, "It's too late Cas, they won't be able to do anything."

Castiel shakes his head, "No, no, they have to be able to do something, I'm not going to- I'm not going to let you die Dean."

"You have to Cas," Dean smiles weakly, "You have to. This is always how it's supposed to happen. You've got to let me die Cas."

"You- You knew that this was going to happen?" Castiel whispers.

"Yeah, but it’s okay Cas, it's going to be okay," Dean tugs on Castiel's hand and Castiel lets his forehead rest against Dean's.

"How can it be? I can't lose you Dean,  _please,"_ Castiel pleads.

"I'm still going to be here," Dean rasps.

"But he's not  _you_ Dean, I'm not his and he's not mine and I can't do this-" Castiel gasps out.

"Yes you can Cas, you _can_  and you will. And you need to listen to me okay, you need to promise me that you won't try and stop this from happening or that you'll try and bring me back and you need- you need to make it so no angel can bring me back," Dean looks up at Castiel, blood now dribbling from his mouth, his eyes wide in clear pain.

"No, I won't promise that, I won't," Castiel shakes his head frenziedly.

"If you love me you'll promise me Cas," Dean chokes out, "This is important now promise me,  _please."_

Castiel shuts his eyes for a moment, before stuttering out, "I- I promise Dean."

Dean's body relaxes into Castiel's and Castiel snaps his eyes open, looking down to see a small smile on Dean's lips, "Love you Cas, so much."

"I love you too Dean," Castiel croaks and it's only then that he realises he is crying, a first for Castiel. He feels heavy tears drift down his cheeks, dropping onto Dean's face, splashing into Dean's own tear tracks.

"You better make past me fall in love with you or I swear I'll haunt your ass," Dean smiles before his face stills, his eyes going dull before Castiel, his body going limp.

"Dean?" Castiel cries, shaking Dean's lifeless body roughly, "No, Dean,  _please_."

A groan from the other side of the room and Castiel tears his eyes away from Dean and looks in horror as Lucifer sits up, rubbing his head where the bullet had hit.

_No._

"Shooting me wasn't very nice Castiel," Lucifer stands up, casually dusting down his t-shirt.

Castiel stays silent, finding himself unable to even speak because Dean has died for nothing and this can't be happening, none of this can be happening,  _please,_ this can't be happening.

"You were too late for Dean though wasn't you?" Lucifer grins and Castiel growls deep from his chest, his whole body shaking.

"You know, after you shot me in the head, I was all for ripping you into shreds but waking up and seeing you like this? I don't know, I didn't realise that you were so smitten with the idiot so I'm going to leave you to live," Lucifer nods calculatingly, "Yes, I'm going to let you live. Let's see how long you last without Dean, with his brother hating your very existence. Let's see how long you last before you just give up, do the universe a favour and kill yourself."

Lucifer disappears and Castiel is left back to being with Dean's lifeless body. He looks down at Dean's still face, a ghost of a smile still painted on his face. But he's just a shell, his soul gone and Castiel wants to see it again, needs to see the beauty, needs Dean to wake up and kiss him, tell him this was all just some terrible terrible joke.

A loud guttural sob escapes his mouth and then he finds he cannot stop, his body lurching as he presses Dean to his chest, never wanting to let him go because this is his Dean, the man that he saved from the depths of Hell, the man that helped him become his own person, the very man that Castiel chose over all of Heaven because he was more than worthy. The man that Castiel loved with his entire being.

And now it it's all over.

It's all over so easily, with a click of a finger, with a few last spoken words and then nothing.

Dean is gone.

 


	17. Chapter 17

Castiel drops the colt to the table, never looking at Sam, not wanting to look into those eyes after he knows he's the cause of his brother's death.

"Cas?"

"The colt doesn't work," Castiel hears how empty his voice sounds but not caring because it's all over anyway, "Find something else."

"Cas-"

Castiel leaves him, going back to Dean's body, holding him tightly to his chest, uncaring that the blood is seeping into his clothes all over again. He lets the tears fall heavily, a small feeling of surprise in the back of his mind that he still has tears left to cry. But he doesn't care as the tears trickle down his cheeks, wetting his shirt and it feels like he's never going to be able to stop, that this is the end for him, that this is how he's going to spend the rest of his life until he just crumbles away.

And he finds he doesn't care.

* * *

 

After two days of waiting for the angels, the angels that ultimately sent Dean back in time to his death, to come back, to bring Dean back to life and take him back to the future, Castiel realises that they're not coming. No angels are coming to fix this and to bring Dean back. And Castiel finds himself hating all of his family for it because if they had just done their Father's work this wouldn't have happened. Dean would have been protected, he would have _lived._ If the angels hadn't taken away Castiel's abilities he would have been able to save Dean.

He would have been able to stop this.

Castiel had failed Dean.

After two days of waiting with Dean in his arms, he decides to finally say goodbye to the man that showed him how to love, that it was capable of Castiel to be loved.

He gives Dean a hunter's funeral, something that he knows that Dean would have wanted, something that he knows he needs to do.

He scatters his ashes across the world, leaving parts of him with his mother at her grave, the place where Sam and Dean scattered their father's ashes, the Grand Canyon where Castiel recalls Dean once saying in passing that he had always wanted to go there, places that he knows meant a lot to Dean. He knows that Dean won't be able to see this, that the ash is just ash, his soul already gone to Heaven but he knows that it's a human custom. Scattering the ashes in significant places of the deceased is important to humans.

The last place where he scatters ashes are at the place where Castiel holds the most importance, the warehouse where it had started it all, where Castiel and Dean had properly met without the heat of Hell surrounding them. It hadn't been the way that Castiel had expected it to happen, not with Dean shooting and stabbing him as a way of saying hello but still, that night changed everything, changed everything about Castiel and even Dean himself.

"Thank you Dean, for everything" Castiel whispers into the wind as the ashes take flight, scattering across the air and ground as Castiel drop to his knees, his head bowed as he silently says goodbye to the righteous man who changed everything.

* * *

 

After he has scattered Dean's ashes he forces himself back into finding God even though he knows it's useless. But Dean had told him that he would find something and if Castiel were to stop he feels like he would be failing Dean and Castiel won't let himself do that.

After two days of searching he soon realises that in the back of his mind he hadn't been searching for his Father at all, rather an angel, any angel that Castiel can lay the blame on for Dean, to punish, someone that Castiel can make suffer. He knows that the thought of wanting to hurt someone this way, one of his own family, should scare him, should bring him back from the brink of this frenzied grief but he can't. He's too far gone. Dean's lifeless body, that small smile left on his lips even in death, taunts his brain, reminding him that he's gone, that the angels did this.

And Castiel wants to break every single one of them.

Throughout the days he gets unanswered calls and text messages from Sam, asking him if he's okay, asking him what happened with the colt, asking him to come see him but none of them are asking for Castiel's help so Castiel ignores them.

He finds two voicemails left from present Dean (Castiel realises that he no longer has to differentiate and call him 'present' anymore because this is the only Dean left and this realisation makes him struggle to breathe for ten minutes) but Castiel can't bear to listen to them. He can't hear Dean's voice even if it's the wrong Dean.

It's only when Sam texts him to meet him at a motel room because he needs his help and it's urgent that Castiel goes to him. He stands outside the motel room first, using his grace to focus on the room to find only one soul in the room- Sam.

"Cas?" Sam asks cautiously as Castiel appears in front of him, his eyes cast downward because he still can't bear to look at him, he'll never be able to look at him.

"What do you need help with?" Castiel asks, his voice cracking from the pressure of speech after being silent for all these days.

Sam seems to hesitate, breathing out heavily before saying, "I wanted to see if you were okay."

Castiel stiffens, "I am fine."

"Cas, what happened?" Sam steps forward but Castiel still doesn't raise his eyes to meet his, "How do you know that the colt doesn't work?"

"I was told on good authority," Castiel says, forcing himself to shrug indifferently, aware of how alien it feels and probably looks.

"By who?" Sam asks softly.

"No one that you know or need to know of. All you need to know is that the colt does not work," Castiel says and he knows his voice sounds all wrong, that it's flat and emotionless, even more than it had been when he had first entered this vessel.

"Cas? Are you sure that you're okay?" Sam asks slowly.

Castiel leaves before the choked sob escapes his lips, his body collapsing to the floor.

Dean was wrong. He's not strong enough to do this.

* * *

 

"Castiel?" Chuck gasps, eyes wide.

"Did you know?" Castiel growls, slamming Chuck against the wall.

"Castiel, please," Chuck pleads but he doesn't try and fight Castiel off, letting himself be suspended in the air by his shirt.

"Did you know?" Castiel screams.

Chuck closes his eyes and shudders before whispering "Yes, yes I knew."

Castiel hits Chuck against the wall again and growls, "Then tell me why I shouldn't just kill you right now."

Chuck snaps his eyes open and looks at Castiel, pure terror on his face as he gulps uneasily, "You- You wouldn't do that Castiel."

"Wouldn't I? You could have stopped this Chuck, you could have saved him and you didn't. If you had just said something he would still- he would still," Castiel chokes before masking his grief with anger, pulling Chuck even higher from the floor, snarling, "Now tell me why I shouldn't kill you."

"Because that's not you Castiel, you're not a killer, you're a good person. You don't want to do this,  _Dean_ wouldn't -"

"Don't say his name!"

Chuck ignores him, "Dean wouldn't want you to do this."

Castiel drops Chuck back to the floor with a thud, and asks with a cracked voice, "Why didn't you stop it Chuck? Why did you let him die?"

"Because that's how it was always meant to happen. He had to die from Lucifer's hand for what happens in the future to happen," Chuck says, regret clear in his voice, "I wanted to stop it, I did but- but Dean told me that I couldn't."

Castiel looks up to meet Chucks watery gaze, "He told- He told you not to tell me, to warn me?"

Chuck nods, "He knew that if I told you, you would find a way to stop it but he said that it had to happen, that the future depended on it."

"If he is not in the future then I don't want it," Castiel whispers, aware of how selfish that is, that he would prefer for Dean to be alive in the future even if it meant that the whole universe would have to be changed for it to happen.

"You don't mean that," Chuck says softly.

"I do Chuck, I do. I can't- I can't do any of this this without him," Castiel says desperately.

"But you don't have to do this without him, Dean is still here," Chuck frowns, placing his hand on Castiel's shoulder nervously. Castiel lets it sit there. He doesn't fight back, too tired to even if he had wanted.

Castiel shuts his eyes, "He's not the same person."

"Yes he is Castiel!" Chuck's voice loudens but then it is lowered again, a hesitant but determined voice, "They're the same person Castiel, the only difference is that this Dean doesn't have you but you can change that."

Castiel gulps and admits quietly, "I don't know whether I can."

Chuck squeezes his shoulder "Yes you can Castiel, yes you can."

Castiel sighs heavily because Chuck doesn't understand,  _can't_ understand what Castiel is feeling.

"Look, maybe you should try and get some rest for a bit, get some sleep?" Chuck offers, "You can sleep here. Stay here for as long as you like or go somewhere else if you want, but you need rest Castiel."

Castiel nods dumbly and lets Chuck guide him to the spare bedroom. He even lets him take his coat and suit jacket off, lets himself be pushed onto sitting on the bed as Chuck takes his shoes off for him. Gentle hands guide him to lie down on the bed, a blanket being covered over him, the light being turned off.

"Get some rest Castiel," Chuck murmurs, "Things will get better, I promise you that."

Chuck shuts the door behind him and leaves Castiel in the darkness, alone with his thoughts yet again. He lets his hand grasp the ring around his neck and he soon begins to drift off into a deep sleep, Dean's smiling face plaguing his dreams.

* * *

 

"Cas?"

"Hello Sam, I have come here to apologise," he forces his eyes to meet Sam's worried eyes, holding his gaze, forcing a small smile on to his lips.

"For what?" Sam steps forward slightly.

"For the way I left so quickly the last time we met. And the time we met before then. I have been- dealing with some important matters, involving how to defeat Lucifer of course, and I couldn't stay around to explain it all to you. I apologise for that," Castiel averts his gaze, trying so very hard not to show the pain he is feeling.

Sam stares for short while before he relaxes, obviously believing Castiel's lie, that he's okay, "That's okay man, we've just- we've been worried about you Cas."

"We?" Castiel can't help but ask.

"Yeah. After I told Dean about what happened, how you just turned up with the colt saying it wouldn't work, he went ape shit, thought you'd had a one to one with the Devil or something. He was worried that you were hurt Cas," Sam frowns, his voice soft.

"Well you can assure him that he was wrong and that I am perfectly fine," Castiel mutters.

Sam steps forward, "Why don't you tell him yourself?"

"I can't," Castiel whispers, "I can't see or talk to him so please don't ask to me to do so."

"Can't?" Sam asks.

Castiel corrects himself for Sam's benefit, "I don't want to."

Sam raises his eyebrows and sighs heavily, "Look, I know Dean has been a bit of a dick lately and you have every right to be angry at him but maybe you should talk to him, let him explain."

"Explain what?" Castiel tilts his head, realising that this conversation is swaying in a manner that Castiel can't understand. He had been too busy masking his grief and now the conversation has ran away from him, even more so than usual.

"Look, he told me what happened alright? And I think- I  _know_ you should talk to him. He got everything wrong okay? He didn't realise that you- Just please, let him talk to you?" Sam pleads and Castiel has no idea what he's talking about.

Before he can ask the door to the motel room swings open, the sound of keys jangling in someone's hand interrupting the room and before he can see him, see that face being completely and utterly alive, Castiel leaves, ignoring Sam's cry of 'wait'.

Because he can't see him.

He just  _can't._


	18. Chapter 18

Castiel spends the next few days at Chuck's, not finding the effort within him to search for his Father, or for anyone else that could help them for that matter. Chuck is helpful, letting Castiel walk around or just sit there, never pushing him to talk about Dean, either versions, only talking to him to offer him something to eat or to talk about something trivial, to try and help put his mind off everything. It never works. Dean is always on his mind, but he forces himself to smile and talk at the appropriate time, Chuck smiling sadly but not pointing out that he knows it’s all fake.

When exhaustion hits him, Castiel sleeps, always waking up crying out Dean's name. Every time, Chuck rushes into his room and sits on the edge of the bed and talks softly until Castiel falls back to sleep. Over those days Castiel finds out how good a man Chuck is, how pure his soul is, how he only wants to help people, the burden of being a prophet always weighing on his shoulders. Castiel tries harder after he realises this, forcing himself to start the conversation instead of Chuck. He prepares food for them or he will simply go and find Chuck's favourite beer from across the world. Just by doing these small things for Chuck, he finds himself being able to breathe easier, not better necessarily, not finished with his grieving, but he finds him smiling genuinely at one of Chuck's bad jokes, having a night’s sleep without screaming out. Castiel's slowly starting to learn how to cope and he owes it all to Chuck.

When he's sitting on the balcony of Chuck's house, looking down at the crashing waves, he gets a text from Sam, asking him to turn up to the motel, that he needs his help on something. Castiel goes there quickly, not bothering to say goodbye to Chuck because he knows that he will have already seen all this happen in his dreams. He stands outside the motel room at first, checking to make sure how many humans are in the room, relaxing when he sees there's only one.

He freezes when he enters the motel room and finds it is Dean, rather than Sam, perched on the edge of the bed, watching the television, tapping his fingers against the remote impatiently. Castiel considers leaving, running away before Dean can see him but he's right there, the man he loves more than anything is in the same room as him and it's all so wrong and so complicated and Castiel doesn't know what to do.

It takes a few moments for Dean to notice his presence, his eyes widening when he sees him. Quickly, he shuts off the television and stands, his arms dangling awkwardly at his sides.

"Cas?" Dean asks softly, voice full of disbelief.

Castiel quickly drops his gaze, his throat scratchy as he asks, "Where is Sam?"

"He's at the library," Dean says.

"Oh," Castiel murmurs, fully aware of what Sam has done, that he has forced Castiel and Dean upon each other. He knows that Sam had probably done it on good faith, desperate for them to solve their problems but he doesn't know what Castiel knows. If he did, he's sure that Sam wouldn't be trying to help mend the relationship, more so telling Castiel to leave and never come back. And Castiel wouldn't blame him.

"Cas?" Dean asks again, even softer, stepping forward to Castiel, only a foot between them now.

"I must go," Castiel murmurs and then suddenly Dean steps forward, entirely in his personal space. His hands reach out and grip his forearms, holding him tightly, keeping him tethered to the motel room.

"No, Cas, don't fly away from me," Deans begs, "Just talk to me,  _please_."

Castiel settles his eyes upon Dean, sees the desperation in those green eyes, the pain, but even with that, there is still life, his soul is still intact.

_He's still alive._

Castiel gulps down the tears threatening to escape and nods, pulling himself out of Dean's grasp. Tiredly, he sits on the edge of the bed, staring at his open palms on his lap because he can't look at Dean anymore, he can't look at him when he knows what's going to become of him. Because of Castiel.

Dean sits next to him; only a small gap between them and Castiel can't help but flinch. Either, Dean doesn't see it or chooses to ignore it because he reaches over slowly and laces his fingers with Castiel's. Castiel looks down at their interlinked hands silently, unsure of where this conversation is leading to when it hasn't even started yet. He tightens his hold of Dean's hand, wishing he could just curl up into Dean, tell him everything and Dean would smooth his hair and tell him everything is okay. But he knows that's not going to happen, it will never happen.

"So you've been avoiding me," Dean states and Castiel doesn't see it as a question so he doesn't reply, doesn't know how to reply either and Dean mutters, "You look like shit Cas."

Castiel stays silent. He has no idea how he looks, he hasn't seen himself in a mirror at all during his hunts for his Father, for the other angels. He’s been avoiding mirrors at Chuck's, not wanting to see the grief written onto his face. If the pure exhaustion he feels is anything to go by he is certain that he looks terrible to other humans. Dean sighs after the silence continues and lets his forehead rest against the edge of Castiel's shoulder.

"I'm so fucking sorry Cas," Dean breathes out, "I know that I've been a complete and utter dick ever since- ever since, y'know."

Castiel doesn't know but he stays silent, watching their linked hands, how very right it feels and looks to have Dean's hand in his own.

"When- When I kissed you I was shocked at myself, not that I'd wanted to kiss you because I've wanted to do that for a while but I never planned on acting on it, you know? I knew that you didn't want that and if I went and kissed you then I would mess it all up, mess our friendship up and then you'd be gone and I didn't want you to be gone Cas,” Dean sighs, “Even if it meant that I just had to pretend that I saw you as nothing more than my idiot, annoying friend, I didn’t want to lose you.

“But then I kissed you and I saw your face and I fucking hated myself for doing it because I'd ruined everything. And I thought I'd lost you forever but then you turned up the next morning and I thought- I thought everything would go back to normal again, that I could pretend that it had never happened, so I could pretend in my mind that you wouldn't react that way if I would kiss you which I know is stupid but I just wanted that little thing you know, wanted to pretend that me and you were still possible even though I knew it wasn't.

“But then you wanted to bring it up and I just couldn't, I couldn't hear you shutting me down so I just tried to push you away before  _you_  could push  _me_ away and I thought that was what you wanted, I really did. And then I just couldn't fucking stop pushing you away because it was easier and because hell, you would be so much better off without me Cas, without you nearly dying all the fucking time because of me but now I guess I've been so much of a dick you hate me and I don't blame you Cas, I really don't. But I really didn't think you would take it so badly Cas and at first I thought you were angry at me for kissing you but then- but then I talked about it with Sam and he said that I'd been a fucking idiot because maybe- maybe you wanted to kiss me back. And if that's right then I've really fucked it up and I'm sorry Cas, I'm just really fucking sorry," Dean says quickly, barely taking a breath during the whole of his speech.

Castiel doesn't know what to think. All this time he thought Dean had hated him, had blamed him for the kiss, that he had been disgusted with what had happened between them and now he finds it's actually completely the opposite. Dean  _had_ wanted to kiss him and he had thought that Castiel was the one who hadn't wanted it. Castiel doesn't know whether to cry in frustration or laugh at how they are both idiots. All this time they could have been together and spending more moments with each other before Dean- before Dean dies and they had wasted it all by assuming what the other was feeling.

Although, Castiel knows why he hadn't fought for this relationship, why he hadn't tried his hardest to see what was really happening between them doesn't he? He'd had Future Dean, the version of Dean that was simply easier because he had already gone through all this, had had no qualms in kissing Castiel, in saying those three words that were so very important. Castiel hadn't wanted to choose one Dean over the other, even telling himself that they were the same person so he couldn't possibly favour one, but that's exactly what he had done wasn't it? And Dean doesn't deserve that, doesn't deserve to give his own life to someone who would do something like that.

 _'Future Dean knew this and he still died for you, still loved you'_ Castiel reminds himself.

And then comes the even more sombre thought. If Castiel turned around now and rejected Dean, wouldn't that make it so Dean dying for him never happened? Surely Dean wouldn't sacrifice his life for him if they weren't together?

But then again, rejecting Dean could have even more effects than this, could stop Dean from being sent to the past altogether and then Castiel would be dead and more importantly so would Sam because Dean wouldn't have been there to save him from the werewolf. And Castiel can't allow Sam's death, he  _won't._  

And hadn't Castiel promised Dean that he wouldn't try and change the future, wouldn't try and prevent him from dying? Castiel feels like he’s stuck at a crossroads, wanting to save Dean but also wanting to honour Dean's last wish. If Castiel were to turn away from this he would save Dean but Dean would never know what Castiel feels for him, never know how much Castiel loves him.

This small moment could change everything, change the whole future, even rip apart the world.

And Castiel knows what we has to do, what he selfishly wants to do.

And he hates himself for it.

"Cas, say something," Dean pleads, "Anything,  _please_."

Castiel doesn't speak for a moment but admits quietly, his voice sounding as tired as he feels, "I wanted you to kiss me."

"Oh," Dean says slowly before asking several seconds later, his voice small, "Do you- Do you still want me to kiss you?"

Castiel turns his head to meet Dean, sees the hope and worry intermixed into his eyes, hope that this could actually happen, worry that he had already broken it before it had even started. It isn't Dean's eyes that make him gasp slightly though, it's his soul. The new brightness and beauty that had been in Future Dean's soul is starting to appear in the Dean in front of him. It's only then that he realises that the brightness in Dean's soul, the pure love that had shone so brightly that Castiel had been forced to look away from was due to Castiel himself, due to him letting Dean in. That part of his soul was specially made from Castiel's love and Dean loving him.

"Yes."

Dean nods and licks his lips nervously, his eyes lowering to meet Castiel's lips. He hovers his hand over Castiel's cheek before placing it there softly, letting the pad of his thumb slowly glide over his cheek. Castiel closes his eyes, feeling himself melt into the touch because being here with Dean is all that he wants, all that he needs.

He feels Dean's hesitant lips brush against his and Castiel has to fight the urge not to moan into his mouth or to cry, he's unsure, but he suppresses the noise. He lets his free hand rest at the back of Dean's neck, holding him tightly but not pulling him further into the kiss because he knows that Dean needs to feel in control of this, he needs to decide whether he wants more or not.

Dean lets out a shaky breath as he frees his lips of Castiel's, letting his forehead rest against Castiel's, hand still pressed gently on Castiel's cheek.

"Dean?" Castiel whispers.

"I'm okay," Dean leans back, a small smile on his lips, "It's just- have you ever kissed anyone before Cas?"

"No one but you," Castiel answers back truthfully, then asks slightly alarmed, although confused because Future Dean never had any issues with his kissing skill, "Why, is my kissing not satisfactory?"

"Your kissing is more than fucking satisfactory Cas," Dean says quickly, "I'm just saying, we're both new at this, that's all."

"Dean, you've kissed hundreds of women," Castiel states.

Dean snorts but then seems to take control of himself and looks at Castiel seriously, "Yeah, but that's different. They were- y'know,  _women_ and  _human."_

"Oh?" Castiel asks, not really understanding the difference. Yes, Castiel isn't human, nor is he in a female vessel, Dean's preferred gender it seems, but Castiel doesn't really understand the implication of this, how big a deal this must be to humans, especially to Dean. But he supposes after spending your entire lifetime only being with women and then suddenly being with a male, it  _would_ be slightly confusing. Castiel guesses it's the same level of confusing that Castiel felt when he started having feelings for Dean, feelings that he had never had for anyone before.

"And it's not even that that makes this all new, not really. I just-" Dean bites his lip, "Fuck, I've never felt this way about anyone before Cas and I really don't want to fuck it up, especially when all this is new to you and I don't know, I want it to be perfect which is never going to happen because, well, because it's me."

Castiel shuts Dean up with a kiss, forgetting his past hesitance and pulling Dean in further by his hold of the back of his neck. He pries Dean's mouth open with his tongue, letting his tongue feel every part of Dean's mouth, realising how much he's missed this, how much he's missed kissing Dean. He pulls Dean in further to make himself focus on Dean, rather than the reminders that plague his thoughts. Dean moans into his mouth, his hand now finding Castiel's hair, tugging on it gently.

Dean breaks free breathlessly and chuckles slightly, his hand still in Castiel's hair.

"You're not going to mess this up Dean," Castiel murmurs, tracing Dean's mouth with his thumb, "I won't let you."

Dean smiles, "Is that a promise or a threat?"

"Both," Castiel kisses Dean on the forehead, ignoring the thoughts at the back of his mind that he can’t keep that promise. One day in the future, Dean is going to be forced back into the past and Castiel isn't going to be able to stop it, stop Dean from dying, stop any of it.

"Hey Cas, you okay?" Dean asks with a frown.

"Yes, I'm fine," Castiel forces himself to smile.

"Maybe we should, I don't know, take things slow?" Dean asks with a shrug and Castiel realises that Dean has completely misunderstood Castiel's hesitance but he finds that he wants to 'take things slow' as well. He doesn't know if he would be capable of doing anything other than kissing Dean without struggling to breathe because even kissing him gives him a sense of pain and guilt and he's not sure if he can handle anything more. He  _wants_ more,  _needs_ more but he also knows he can't handle it yet. If they were to further their relationship from kissing, Castiel would either run away or break down and end up telling all to Dean without being able to stop himself. Neither of these options can be allowed to happen in real life because they would change everything.

"You- You wouldn't mind?" Castiel asks.

"No," Dean smiles, "Like I said, this is new to both of us and I don't want to mess it up."

Castiel nods, "Okay."

"Okay," Dean smiles openly, "We'll go as slow as we need to."

Castiel pauses for a moment before asking, "By 'going slow', we're still allowed to kiss whenever we want to, yes?"

Dean grins, "Yep."

"Good," Castiel smiles, reaching forward and kissing Dean softly.


	19. Chapter 19

For several hours after Dean and Castiel are finally reunited, they spend hours kissing; only leaving each other's mouths to take a breath. Sometimes, Dean laughs breathlessly between kisses and when Castiel asks why, he just says he's happy and that he can't quite believe he's kissing Castiel, a freaking angel of the lord. And with that Castiel kisses him again, fingers in Dean's hair, the other wrapped around Dean's waist, never wanting to let him go.

It's only several hours later that there's a knock on the door, Dean groaning but pulling his lips away from Castiel's, smiling at Castiel's disappointed face.

"Dean? Is it okay to come in?" Sam's hesitant voice comes from outside, another short knock.

Dean rolls his eyes, pulling himself out of Castiel's hold and walks to the door, hand hovering over the door handle before he winks at Castiel and shouts loudly, "Hang on, let me and Cas just get dressed, we're full frontal in here dude."

There's a strangled noise from outside until Dean wrenches the door open, a very perturbed looking Sam at the door, his cheeks flushed.

"Kidding Sam," Dean grins, walking back to Castiel and sitting next to him heavily, a slight gap between them.

"Not funny Dean," Sam glowers before looking from Dean to Castiel warily, "So you two have worked things out?"

"Yup," Dean grins wider, waggling his eyebrows at Castiel.

"Thank you Sam for tricking us to meet each other," Castiel says gratefully.

"I didn't trick you," Sam says quickly, his shoulders pulled inwards defensively.

"You totally did Sammy," Dean points at him but there's still a smile plastered on his face.

"Okay, maybe I did, but I was forced into it because you were both being idiots," Sam rolls his eyes, collapsing on to the chair.

"Bitch," Dean murmurs under his breath, his leg inching closer to Castiel's so they brush together.

"Jerk," Sam says as a reflex. Castiel has never understood the brothers’ tendency to insult each other as a sign of affection. It just doesn't make sense to Castiel and he doubts it ever will. And the strangest part of it is he would know something was wrong between the boys if they ever _stopped_ insulting each other. Humans are completely and utterly confusing.

"I think I should carry on with my search now," Castiel says regretfully but he knows that he's going to have to leave them. Dean and Sam need to sleep and Castiel knows that their kissing session is going to be over now that Sam has returned.

"You sure Cas?" Dean asks with a frown, his one leg shaking with restfulness.

"Yes, you should both get some sleep," Castiel smiles, tapping Dean's jolting leg and stilling it.

"Well, that'll be easier now that Lucifer's out of my head," Dean grins, standing up, pulling clothes out of his bag.

Castiel freezes for a moment before gulping, pulling himself back together and then states, "Lucifer hasn't been invading your dreams anymore."

"Didn't you tell him?" Sam asks Dean with a frown.

"Well, we were kinda busy," Dean says quickly, his cheeks flushing as he ducks his head.

"Oh," Sam mutters, turning his attention to the table, as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.

Castiel ignores him and asks Dean, "How long has Lucifer been out of your dreams?"

Dean shrugs, "I don't know, sometime last week."

Castiel nods, lost in his own thoughts. So Lucifer truly thinks that he has killed Dean, that there is no Dean to exist for him to invade his dreams. Castiel balls his hands into fists on his lap, thinking of how Lucifer thinks he has won, that he has nothing to worry about now that he has killed Dean. Castiel can't wait until he sees Lucifer's face when Dean and Castiel kill him.

"You okay Cas?" Dean asks.

Castiel swallows, "Yes, I'm fine."

"Hey, I know it's kinda weird for Lucifer to just stop getting into my dreams and I guess he's got something else even more shit planned for me but for now I'm just glad that I get a couple of hours sleep without Lucifer saying hello."

"I suppose you are right," Castiel says tiredly, standing up, "I'll leave you to sleep."

"See you Cas," Sam says, making his way to his own bags to get clothes to sleep in, his back to Castiel and Dean.

Dean quickly invades Castiel's personal space and pecks him on the lips, "See you tomorrow?"

"Yes," Castiel promises, kissing Dean shortly before leaving them.

 

* * *

 

For the next few days Castiel continues hunting for his Father, trying to force himself to keep looking, to put all his thoughts onto the search. He can't help let his mind wander to Dean though, to think about how they are together now, that everything that had happened with their arguments had all been a misunderstanding. He finally has Dean again. Maybe not Future Dean who would cuddle into him while they were sleeping and lazily kiss him when he woke up but it's still Dean. And Future Dean had told him that Dean becomes him by Castiel loving him and Castiel isn't going to let that not happen. He knows it's a selfish part of him that keeps going back to Dean, knowing that he is only furthering in pushing him to his death but he can't stop himself. He always tells himself that Future Dean had told him that he shouldn't try and stop it, that he wanted it to happen. That's what he keeps telling himself when he visits Dean, most of the time timing it so it is just the two of them, Dean smiling when he arrives and wrapping his arms around Castiel and kissing him roughly on the mouth, telling them what they were up to between kisses, asking Castiel how his search is going on.

They only kiss, never furthering it into anything more, still taking it slowly, neither wanting to push forward. Castiel doesn't mind, he knows that it will take time for Dean to get used to being with Castiel physically. He knows it will happen eventually when Dean feels ready. After a while, Castiel finds himself being able to go further now whenever Dean wants it too.

Having seeing Dean every day for several days, his thoughts of Future Dean start to mix with this Dean in front of him. It's still strange and it still hurt. At times Castiel will be kissing Dean and then memories of Future Dean hit him, of them watching Superman, sharing the last pancake, Dean giving him his ring. Those memories hurt but it just makes Castiel spur on the kiss, needing the connection. But then there are the moments when  _that_ memory will hit him and he will pull away from Dean, breathless, Dean assuming that they were going too fast and pulling him into a soft hug, not pushing any further. When Castiel is ready he will push them back into a kiss again, anything to take the memory away from his mind. Dean always reciprocates, moaning into his mouth, but being gentler, trying not to scare away Castiel. It's just another reason that Castiel can put on his list of why he loves Dean.

Its several days later after Sam had brought Dean and Castiel back together that Castiel gets a phone call while he's hunting a miracle in Bombay, Castiel stopping in his flight and answering it immediately.

"Hey Cas, can you come meet me?" Dean asks through the phone, voice small and already Castiel knows something is wrong.

"Just tell me where you are and I'll be right there," Castiel says quickly.

"I'm near the dive bar by our motel. I'm in the impala, round the back in the alley."

Castiel hangs up, landing himself in the passenger seat of the car quickly, knowing that the fact that Dean is alone and near a bar is not a good sign.

Dean doesn't even speak when Castiel arrives. Instead, he grabs Castiel by the cheeks roughly and pulls him into a forceful kiss, his tongue sliding in easily. Castiel lets himself be kissed for a short while until it's all too much because he knows there's something wrong, that Dean is in some kind of pain and he needs to know what's happened.

Castiel pulls away, stopping Dean from reaching forward to press their lips together again by placing his hands on his chest, "Dean, what's wrong, what's happened?"

Dean lets out a shallow breath before saying, his voice wrecked, "Most of New York is gone, a tornado hit it earlier."

"No," Castiel shakes his head slightly, gripping onto Dean's shirt.

"That's not all Cas," Dean lets out a humourless laugh, "Britain, it's- it's completely gone, wiped off the fucking map Cas. All those people, they're just gone."

"Dean," Castiel utters, not knowing what to say or do because he can't do anything to help can he? All those people are gone, wiped out as easily as that, millions of people who had  _lives._ They may not have saved the world, may have only worked at a supermarket or at a bank, but they still had rich, human lives, deserved to live arguably much more than Castiel did. And it makes Castiel angry. Angry that Lucifer has yet again destroyed so many people, that he hasn't been stopped yet and if Castiel had been able to stop him beforehand, none of these people would have died, nor Dean.

And a small shred of him is angry at his Father because how can he do this? Let all of these people die? God could have easily have snapped his fingers and ended all this, sent Lucifer back to Hell, even killed him for good but no, God chooses to give them 'free will', to sit back and let all of these people die for no reason at all. If God could bring back Castiel, why couldn't he save all those people? Why couldn't he have brought back Dean?

Dean pulls Castiel back to him, kissing him roughly on the mouth, pressing their bodies as close to each other as possible With their chests pressed against each other, Dean leans forward onto Castiel, Castiel falling backwards, his head hitting against the side window.

"Dean?" Castiel pants between kisses.

"Need you Cas," Dean murmurs, grabbing a hold of Castiel's coat and dragging him to the backseat of the car, lying back on the seat, pulling Castiel on top of him. Castiel understands what this is. Dean feels guilty and helpless and he needs Castiel to show him that he is needed, that he is loved and Castiel is more than happy to show him. Castiel realises that he needs this too, this closeness. He hadn't before but now that the prospect of it is here, Castiel wants to take it further than just kissing, wants to be here for Dean in more ways than that.

Castiel shrugs his coat off, his jacket, throwing them to the front of the car, kissing Dean deeply on the mouth before lowering his mouth to Dean's neck, sucking on it gently. Dean shuffles underneath him, moving Castiel by the grip on his hips until their cocks are pressed up against each other. Castiel moves back to Dean's mouth, circling his tongue in Dean's mouth as he grinds his hips down, Dean moaning into his mouth at the friction between their half hard dicks.

Dean pulls at Castiel's hips again, showing Castiel that he wants him to keep moving so Castiel does, rutting against Dean as he lets his hands slide up Dean's shirt, tweaking his nipple as he sucks on Dean's neck, letting his tongue slide against it, tasting sweat.

"Jesus Cas," Dean groans, wrapping his legs around Castiel, pulling him in even tighter.

Castiel murmurs, "Language Dean."

"Wh-What?" Dean utters, nearly incoherent.

"Don't blaspheme," Castiel orders, grinding against Dean harder, Dean arching his head back, his neck exposed. Castiel licks it, nipping at his pressure point and Dean moans loudly, his arms wrapping around Castiel's neck, pressing their foreheads together, both panting heavily into each other’s mouths, both leaning over every now and then to kiss each other quickly and roughly.

Dean shuts his eyes and moans Castiel's name as he comes, Castiel pressing his lips against Dean's to help Dean through it. He feels himself on the edge himself, coming when Dean shifts slightly underneath him, causing even more pressure. Castiel buries himself in Dean's neck and groans. Dean kisses whatever parts he can reach, the side of Castiel's head and neck, his own breath still heavy.

Dean wraps his arms around Castiel's waist, holding Castiel tightly to his chest and he says with a shaky laugh, "Fuck Cas, you've just made me come in my pants like a freaking teenager."

Castiel smiles lazily, "Well, that's just the effect I have."

Dean chuckles, "I guess so."

Castiel reaches upwards and kisses Dean's jaw and whispers, "We couldn't have done anything to save those people Dean."

"Yeah, I know," Dean murmurs, "It's just- I want him fucking dead Cas."

Castiel falls back onto Dean's chest, not letting Dean see his face as his lip quivers, "I know the feeling."

"I just want it all to be over, for me, you and Sammy to be able to have a day off where we don't have to worry about Lucifer or demons or the end of the world. We deserve some happiness, right?"

"You and Sam deserve happiness more than anything," Castiel murmurs into his chest.

"And you Cas," Dean adds.

"Hmm," Castiel hums, letting his fingers make slow trails up and down Dean's chest.

"Cas, look at me please."

Castiel slowly pulls himself from Dean's chest, letting his eyes meet Dean's, a small frown on Dean's face.

"You deserve to be happy too Cas," Dean tightens his hold of his waist.

Castiel swallows, forces himself to nod, kissing Dean quickly on the lips before resting himself back on Dean's chest. He grabs a handful of Dean's shirt as he tries to steady his breath, to stop himself from shouting out that no, he doesn't deserve happiness, he deserves Dean to hate him, for Sam to hate him, for him to be stuck on this Earth having to live with what he had made happen.

"I should get back to Sam," Dean says, laying a hand on Castiel's hair and stroking it slowly.

"Yes you should," Castiel replies, worried as to how Sam is coping with the news of New York and Britain, knowing that he must be feeling as guilty as Dean and Castiel, "I'll go back to my search and see you tomorrow."

"Okay baby," Dean murmurs, "See you tomorrow."

Castiel stills, "What did you just call me?"

Dean shifts underneath him and mutters, "Nothing."

Castiel pulls himself from Dean's hold and kisses him, letting his fingers curl around Dean's jaw, pressing their foreheads together, "Bye Dean."

"Bye," Dean smiles, kissing him again before Castiel leaves him.


	20. Chapter 20

"Cas?" Dean asks, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"Can you wake your brother?" Castiel asks quickly, desperate to start the conversation.

"Yeah, okay," Dean says, picking up the pillow he was lying on and throwing it at Sam's sleeping frame, "Get your ass out of bed Sammy."

Sam grumbles and sits up, hair askew, glaring at his brother but softening his expression somewhat when he sees Castiel, "What's going on?

"Cas is just about to tell us," Dean gestures for Castiel to start, an uncertain smile on his face.

"I've found out a way to kill Lucifer," Castiel states, feeling the excitement bubble up inside of him.

"Wait, what?" Dean asks, his face cracking into a grin.

"I don't know why I didn't think of it before but I was so set on finding my Father and when I wasn't doing that we were fighting and interrogating demons and focusing on the colt and I've been..." Castiel lets his gaze finalise on Dean's, "Distracted."

"Okay Cas, calm down a sec," Dean says, reaching out and squeezing Castiel's hand. Castiel wavers for a second, staring at their interlinked hands, letting himself breathe.

"What's the one thing that we know kills angels?" Castiel asks, diverting the attention from himself for a moment, catching his breath and fighting down the memories of Future Dean, the biggest distraction of all.

"Well..." Sam ponders, "Angel blades kill angels?"

"Yes," Castiel nods approvingly.

"Wait, are you saying that Lucifer can be killed by an angel blade?" Dean asks, still holding Castiel's hand.

"Yes but it can't be any angel blade, he's an archangel which means he is one of the most powerful. My blade wouldn't work on him but-"

"But an archangel's would," Sam finishes, his eyes widening.

"Yes, an archangel's would," Castiel smiles, tightening his hold of Dean's hand.

"But all the archangels want the Earth gone, none of them are going to hand over their blade to kill him, else they would have gone after him already," Dean frowns slightly, probably not wanting to ruin Castiel's plan but Castiel only smiles at him.

"Yes, all the archangels in  _Heaven_ want humans gone."

"Are you saying there's an archangel on Earth that will help us?" Dean asks, hope filling his green eyes, "Who?"

"Gabriel," Castiel says.

"Gabriel the archangel?" Sam stutters, standing up, "We're talking about  _the_ Gabriel?"

"Yes, he left Heaven several centuries ago and came to Earth. No one knows why or where he went. I don't even know if he will help us or if he'll even let himself be found but it's our only hope. His blade would kill Lucifer and I need to at least try to reach out to him," Castiel says tightly.

"Okay, so we're what, going to summon him?" Dean asks.

"Yes, I'm going to summon him, he might not return my call but-"

"But it's worth trying," Dean nods.

"I'll summon him tomorrow once I have found an appropriate place away from humans that could get hurt."

Dean frowns, "You keep saying  _'I'_ and not  _we."_

"Well I'm not going to let you two be in the presence of an archangel when we don't even know how he's going to react if he returns my summoning," Castiel says determinedly, because he is not going to let Sam and Dean get hurt, not again.

Dean stands up out of bed, pulling the covers aside and grabbing Castiel's forearms tightly, "Yeah and I'm not going to let you go off and summon a freaking archangel by yourself when we don't know how he's going to react."

"Dean," Castiel warns.

"No, don't ' _Dean'_  me, we're all doing this together, like we always do."

"But Dean-" Castiel starts.

"No arguments, I'm not letting you do this by yourself."

"I agree with Dean," Sam says, adding to the conversation.

Castiel sighs, knowing he's lost the battle already, "Fine, we'll all summon him together."

Dean grins, "Sounds good to me."

"I'll come and get you once I have found an appropriate location and I have everything ready for the summoning spell," Castiel says.

"Okay Cas," Sam says, lying back down, burying his head in the pillow, obviously finished with the conversation.

Dean lets his hands slide up to either side of Castiel's face and murmurs, "Promise me you won't go off and do this by yourself."

Castiel gulps, remembering the last promise he had made to Dean.

"Promise me Cas."

"I promise," Castiel whispers, getting a kiss on the forehead for it.

* * *

 

"So, this Gabriel, he's one tough cookie right?" Dean asks, standing up from his chair and making his way to where Castiel stands.

Castiel manages to deduce what Dean is actually trying to say and nods, "He's an archangel, they are arguably the most powerful beings besides our Father."

"Right," Dean nods, "So this could be it, you know, wrath of an angel tearing us all down."

"Dean, I won't let him harm you or your brother," Castiel's jaw clenches painfully, "I will kill him before that happens."

Dean smirks, tugging at Castiel's tie to pull him in closer "Gotta love it when you get all righteous and shit."

"Dean, if you are worried about your and Sam's safety then I can do this alone like I planned to do."

"Cas will you shut up, I'm trying to give you the last night on earth speech," Dean rolls his eyes but grins affectionately all the same.

"Speech?" Castiel tilts his head.

"Yeah," Dean wraps his arms around Castiel's neck casually, kissing the corner of Castiel's mouth, "You know, this could be our last night and that we should spend our last few hours wisely, you know."

Castiel seems to start to understand the game, wrapping his arms around Dean's waist, "Oh, what would you think would be wise to do on our last night?"

Dean shrugs, quirking his lips upwards "Well, Sam is going to be out for the next few hours."

"Oh?" Castiel raises his eyebrows, "Well, we should definitely use these few hours alone very very wisely."

Dean grins, kissing Castiel forcefully, biting at Castiel's bottom lip. Castiel can't help but moan, pulling Dean in tighter by the waist, their bodies pressed against each other. Dean's mouth finds Castiel's neck, sucking on it as Castiel can only stand there and take it, his hands creeping up Dean's shirt to his bare chest, feeling the tight muscles underneath.

"You want this yeah?" Dean asks, his breath heavy.

Castiel responds by kissing Dean roughly, their tongues and teeth hitting against each other. He feels his coat being pulled off, then his jacket, both falling to the floor heavily. Castiel decides it's his turn to take control, nipping at Dean's bottom lip as he rips open Dean's shirt, not bothering with the buttons because even now he still thinks buttons are a waste of precious time. Castiel lets his hands glide across Dean's bare chest, kissing his neck, his chest, letting his tongue glide against Dean's nipple. Dean moans loudly, pulling Castiel up so their mouths clash together as he undoes the buttons on Castiel's shirt, pulling it roughly out of Castiel's arms.

And then he's pushing Castiel backwards onto the bed, Castiel holding himself up by his elbows as Dean kisses his stomach, letting his mouth move upwards to Castiel's chest. Annoyingly, Dean stops suddenly and Castiel tries to pull him on top of him because he needs this dammit but Dean relents, staying where he is, eyebrows furrowed.

"What?" Castiel asks impatiently.

Dean smiles, a mixture of confusion and amusement on his face as he reaches out, his cheeks still flushed, "Cas, how come you have my-"

Dean stops, frowning as he looks at his own fingers splayed out, hovering near Castiel neck and Castiel freezes.

This isn't happening.

This is  _not_  happening.

"Cas, how come you have a ring that looks exactly like mine around your neck?" Dean asks and he doesn't sound angry, just confused.

Castiel gulps, clasping onto the necklace tightly. Quickly, he sits up, Dean pulling back, kneeling on the floor in front of him.

"Cas?" Dean asks softly, slowly "Who gave you that?"

Castiel shuts his eyes and sighs shakily because he’s too tired to lie, too tired to do any of this so he whispers, "You did."

"What are you talking about? I never gave that to you," Dean says roughly.

"You from the future," Castiel forces out, opening his eyes to look at Dean's confused face, his eyes widening at the news, "Superman, that was- that was you."

Dean gulps and opens his mouth but no words come out. Castiel shuts his eyes again, shuddering because he can't do this, he can't talk about this.

Dean seems to find his voice again, "And where is he now?"

Castiel chokes back a sob and suddenly hands are squeezing his own tightly, a forehead pressed against his own.

"He's dead isn't he? I-I died?" Dean asks softly, no anger or resentment in his tone and that only seems to make it worse. Castiel gasps as sobs ricochet throughout his body, arms wrapping around him, pulling him tightly to Dean's chest. He tries to push him away feebly because he doesn't deserve to be held like this but Dean only strengthens his hold and Castiel cries out harder. Short gasps of air is the only thing that breaks the silence as Castiel struggles to breathe but Dean just carries on holding him, letting Castiel sob his way through this. He doesn't lie to him, tell him everything is going to be okay and Castiel is thankful for that because he doesn't need lies, that won't help anything.

He doesn't know how long it takes. It feels like hours, days even, that Dean just holds him until Castiel can breathe properly again, his eyes still dispelling tears slowly, although not as heavily as before. He lets out a long shaky breath, holding tightly onto Dean's damp neck. Castiel feels like he should say something, tell Dean he's sorry, that it's all his fault, that he's ruined everything but he finds himself not being able to say any of it, not being strong enough to admit it. He stays silent, sighing into Dean's chest.

Castiel stiffens as Dean leans out of his touch. He’d always known that this was going to happen, that Dean is going to walk out the door and leave him for good.

A hand curls around Castiel's jaw, gently forcing him to look upwards into Dean's eye line. Surprisingly there's still no anger in those green eyes, only worry and Castiel feels like crying all over again because Dean should be angry at him, hate him after what he's just been told but he's still here.

Dean kisses Castiel's forehead slowly, bringing a shudder from Castiel as he murmurs, "How can I help you Cas, tell me how to help you."

"Ju-Just stay," Castiel manages to croak out selfishly, his throat protesting.

Dean just nods, grabbing hold of Castiel's hand and pushing him gently down on the bed with the other hand, arms wrapping around him as he falls onto the mattress. Castiel buries himself into Dean's neck, his legs easily tangling with Dean's. Dean sighs heavily and presses his lips against the top of Castiel's head, his hand making slow soothing motions across Castiel's back.

"I'm so sorry Dean," Castiel chokes out.

"Shh Cas," Dean murmurs, "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"But you don't- you don't even know what- what happened," Castiel manages to say because Dean doesn't. He doesn't know that Dean died for him, not for Sam or to save the world, just for him and it's just _not_ _fair_. If Castiel had just known that it was Lucifer was on the phone and not fell for the trap none of this would have happened. None of it.

"I don't need to know to know it wasn't your fault," Dean whispers, leaning down and kissing Castiel gently on the lips. Castiel can't help but whimper as Dean kisses him because Dean is so trusting of him, even now. Castiel has just told him that he will die at some point, that he already has and Dean is the one comforting him, rather the other way around, and it's all so very wrong but Castiel doesn't care because Dean is here and he doesn't hate him and he needs this.

Castiel pulls Dean closer to him, letting his tongue slide into Dean's mouth, his hand tangling in Dean's hair roughly. Dean moans as Castiel lets his other hand trail down his bare chest and Dean's hands are suddenly in Castiel's hair, pulling him in tighter to the kiss. Castiel lets his hands trail down to Dean's jeans, scrambling to open the button until a hand curls around his wrist halting him.

"Dean, please," Castiel whispers.

Dean pushes him gently away from him, his eyes pained, "Cas, stop, you don't want this, not really."

"Yes I do Dean, please," Castiel begs, reaching out, kissing Dean firmly and Dean lets him, his hands finding Castiel's hair again as Castiel tugs on his jeans, desperate for it to be just skin on skin. Dean gently pushes Castiel's shaking hands out the way, pulling his own jeans off, then boxers. Castiel works on his own trousers as Dean does this, scrambling them off with his boxers, throwing them off the bed. Castiel pulls Dean by the waist, moaning when their bodies are pressed against each other, pulling Dean on top of him. Dean steadies himself by his elbows resting either side of Castiel's body, leaning down to kiss Castiel gently, before kissing his neck and chest. Castiel shivers under his touch, closing his eyes, whimpering as Dean sucks slightly on his nipple, hands snaking up and down Castiel's chest.

"Dean, please," Castiel pleads because he needs to feel Dean inside him more than anything.

Dean leans upwards to kiss Castiel on the mouth again and then leans over to the right where his bag is rested against the bedside table. A few moments later Dean has the lube and coats his fingers and dick, his cheeks flushed. His finger hovers over Castiel's entrance as he bites his lip and looks at Castiel.

Dean asks softly, his voice thick, "You sure you want this Cas?"

Castiel only nods, spreading his legs so it's easier for Dean. Dean lets out a shaky breath, not taking his eyes from Castiel's as he slowly pushes in and Castiel can't help but moan, bucking his hips so Dean's finger is pushed even further in, managing to hit his prostrate.

"Am I hurting you?" Dean asks.

"No, I want- Dean, I want-" Castiel moans and Dean seems to understand, pushing a second finger in. For a moment it hurts and Castiel gasps but Dean lets his finger slide against that spot again and the pain is forgotten, pleasure making him shudder. Dean moves around inside him, opening him up, letting his fingers graze his prostrate occasionally and Castiel hears himself moan loudly, not being able to stop his hips from bucking up into Dean's fingers.

"Need you Dean," Castiel gasps.

"O-Okay," Dean says breathlessly, pulling his fingers out and Castiel whimpers at the loss of contact. Dean moves further on top of him and Castiel lets his legs wrap around Dean tightly, his arms wrapping around Dean's torso. He feels Dean's cock near his entrance and it's only then that Castiel remembers that this is Dean's first time doing this, that this isn't Future Dean. This is present Dean and he's probably terrified that he's going to do something wrong or hurt Castiel.

Castiel leans upwards to kiss Dean gently on the mouth before murmuring, "You're not going to hurt me Dean."

"Okay baby," Dean whispers, pushing himself slowly into Castiel, his forehead falling heavily onto Castiel as he does, moaning into Castiel's chest loudly. Castiel groans, his fingernails digging into Dean's back. Castiel pants as Dean pushes himself completely in, feeling part pain and part pleasure as Dean stills himself, his breath heavy on Castiel's chest.

It's a while before Dean starts to move, pulling himself in and out slowly, moaning when he pushes himself completely in. Castiel's hips jerk upwards to meet Dean and then it's the perfect position as Dean hits against his prostrate.

"Dean," Castiel moans, his name like a prayer from his lips.

Dean doesn't quicken his speed. He lets himself go slow, hitting his prostrate each time he thrusts into Castiel and Castiel realises that he needs it like this, he needs it go slow with Dean this time and Dean knows it too. He pulls at Dean's waist until Dean's forehead rests against his own, their lips brushing against each other as they both moan, heavy breath intermingling with each other.

"Love you Cas, so much," Dean moans, opening his eyes to meet Castiel's with what can only be a streak of sweat rolling down his cheek.

Castiel chokes back a cry, "I love you Dean."

Their lips find each other and it's all too much for Castiel as he comes, his whole body shuddering underneath Dean as Dean continues to thrust into him, their tongues moving against each other. Castiel only holds him tighter as Dean comes inside him, moaning into Castiel's mouth.

They stay like this for a short while, entangled together messily, until Dean slowly pulls himself out of Castiel, lying next to Castiel on the bed, and pulling Castiel tightly into his arms. Castiel lets his arm wrap around Dean's waist, burying himself into Dean's chest, feeling Dean's quick heart beat thud against his forehead. Dean kisses the top of his head softly, his legs wrapping around Castiel's.

They stay silent, only their ragged breaths hitting the silence of the room as they both drift off, Dean's slow steady breathing lulling Castiel to sleep as well, knowing in the back of his mind that everything has changed now and nothing will be the same again.

 


	21. Chapter 21

Castiel feels himself start to stir, warm heat pressed against him, an arm around his waist, another hand at the back of his neck. He feels warm breath on the top of his head,  _Dean's_ warm breath and last night comes flooding back to him. He had told Dean. And Dean hadn't pushed him away. His brain can't even fully comprehend how that had happened, how Dean hadn't forced out answers from Castiel but had held him instead, slept with him, had told him he loved him. Castiel certainly didn't deserve an amazing being like Dean.

"Cas, you awake?" Dean mutters softly.

Castiel thinks about pretending to be asleep but he knows that at some point he's going to have to face what Dean has to say and he would much rather just do it now than later. He forces his eyes open, squinting at the light, pressing himself back into Dean's chest.

"Hey Cas," Dean whispers, kissing Castiel on the forehead.

"Hello," Castiel murmurs, unsure of what to say after the night before because so much had happened, so much had changed.

"You slept," Dean states, his hand stroking Castiel's hair and Castiel realises that it is yet another lie that has been found out. After all this, he wouldn't be surprised if Dean never believes a word he has to say.

"Sam is in the shower?" Castiel asks slowly, ignoring what Dean had said, faintly hearing water fall in the bathroom. He had heard Sam come back to the room last night and Castiel had wondered whether he should leave, that Dean wouldn't want Sam to know of what they had done, but Dean's arms had been tight around him. Most of all, he didn't want to leave, not really, so he had stayed where he was.

"Yeah," Dean nods, pressing his lips against Castiel's.

"Okay," Castiel murmurs, Dean's lips brushing against his as he speaks.

Dean kisses his him again and says softly, "I think me and you need to talk Cas but not when my brother is in the other room."

Castiel nods wearily, knowing that they do need to talk about this, that Dean has every right to know everything. That still doesn’t change the fact that Castiel really doesn’t want to have the conversation.

"I'm going to get some clothes on before my little brother gets out of the shower," Dean smiles, untangling himself from Castiel and throwing on a t-shirt and sweats, "You might want to do the same Cas."

Castiel just lies there and watches Dean rummage in his bag for clothes he can wear for the day. It's easy at this moment to pretend everything is okay, that they are just a normal couple on a road trip, where the apocalypse doesn't hang heavy over their heads, one of their deaths imminent. He just wishes it was like that, wishes they were just a normal  _human_  couple that had nothing to worry about. But that would be selfish, completely so, because then there would be no one to stop Lucifer and they would die anyway.

_At least they would die together._

The door to the bathroom opens and Castiel uses his grace to make him fully clothed, perching on the edge of the bed, staring at the empty wall. He hears a noise of surprise from Sam but he doesn't say anything, just walks to his own bed, the clinking of guns being moved around disturbing the air.

"I'm just gonna go in the shower," Dean tells the room, holding clothes to his chest as he makes his way to the bathroom, giving Castiel a quick glance.

"I'll go then," Castiel says.

"No!" Dean reaches out and grabs his arm, "Just stay here Cas, I'll be as quick as I can okay? Just- Don't go anywhere."

Castiel gulps but nods all the same, knowing that he can't run away from this. Dean stares at him for a while until he lets go of his arm and turns and goes into the bathroom. There are a few minutes of silence until Sam drops the guns to the bed and stands near Castiel.

"Hey Cas, everything is okay, right?" Sam asks.

"Yes, everything is fine," Castiel lies.

"So, you and Dean, you're okay?" Sam asks softly.

"Yes."

"Okay and you're not- you're not having second thoughts about trying to summon Gabriel right? Or worrying about me and Dean because we'll be fine Cas," Sam pats Castiel's shoulder, obviously trying to soothe Castiel's mind.

Castiel sighs, "I know you will be."

"Okay, just remember that I'm always here to talk if you know-" Sam trails off and shrugs awkwardly, letting his hand fall back to his side, walking back to his bed and going back to sorting out his weapons.

"I'll remember that Sam, thank you," Castiel smiles thinly at Sam and then lets his eyes train back to the wall.

A calm silence envelops the room, the only sound being Dean in the shower. Castiel feels himself hating himself even more as he sits in the room with Sam, knowing that he is the reason that he will one day lose his brother. It's made all the worse that Sam treats him like an equal, a friend, someone that he is here for.

Dean walks out of the shower in a fresh t-shirt and jeans, hair still dripping slightly, water trailing down the back of his neck. Castiel looks up at him to see the worry in Dean's eyes.

Dean tears his eyes away from Castiel to settle on Sam, muttering, "Uh, Sam, would you mind-"

"I'm going to go get some breakfast," Sam offers, grabbing his coat.

"Thanks Sammy," Dean forces a smile as Sam pulls on his boots, grabs his jacket and leaves the motel room, a short 'bye' before he shuts the door behind him.

Dean sighs and sits next to Castiel on the bed, wrapping his fingers around Castiel's, "Okay Cas, talk to me."

"I don't know whether I can," Castiel says honestly, realising how weak he sounds, how weak he has become.

"Okay Cas, let's start with something a little easier," Dean squeezes his hand, "So you sleep now."

Castiel nods "Yes, for a while now. I don't need as much sleep as humans do to survive but I can sleep every night if I choose to."

"Why didn't you tell me Cas?" Dean asks softly before nudging him, "You know I would have been happy to share a bed with you."

Castiel can't help but smile at that, tracing patters on Dean's hand with his fingers before frowning, "I'm not sure why I didn't tell you. I just- I didn't want you to know how far I'd fallen. I didn't want to be a burden."

"Cas, even if you lost all your grace, your wings, everything, you would never be a burden. Stuff like this, we get together and work through it, that's what families do Cas," Dean sighs, kissing the nape of Castiel's neck.

"Families?" Castiel asks faintly.

"Yeah," Dean murmurs, "So is sleep all you need or do you need to eat as well?"

"No, I don't have a need to eat yet but I have acquired a taste for certain foods."

"Burgers better be one of them," Dean grins, "Or I swear I'll disown you."

Castiel lets out a short laugh, "Burgers are one of my favourites yes."

"Good," Dean smiles, kissing the corner of Castiel's mouth, squeezing Castiel's hand, murmuring, "Now about- about the other thing."

"You mean you," Castiel sighs.

"Yeah, about me, well future me or whatever you want to call him," Dean shrugs, his voice softening, "I was sent back here? By angels I'm guessing?"

"Yes, I did question which angels and why but you wouldn't tell me," Castiel says, "I still don't understand why they would send you back even now, you didn't seem to be doing any angel's work, you were just saving us all."

" _Superman_ right?" Dean smiles faintly, "So was I the one who saved Sammy from the werewolf? Stopped you from going into that warehouse with all those demons?"

"Yes, you helped us many times," Castiel smiles tiredly.

"And you and him, you were- you were together right?" Dean asks, seeming to accept all this information so easily.

"Not at first, but eventually yes," Castiel admits.

"Okay," Dean nods, his voice becoming rough and pained when he asks, "So what- how did I-  _fuck,_  how did I die Cas?"

Castiel shudders, finding himself struggling to breath all over again but he feels Dean's hand squeeze his and it's like an anchor, that and those green trusting eyes, holding him together, stopping him from losing it.

"It was Lucifer," Castiel whispers.

"Lucifer?"

"It was my fault, Lucifer tricked me. He called me pretending to be you, said you were in danger and I- I fell for it. It was just, he was in the same place that future you was in and I didn't think Dean, I just didn't think, so I went to that warehouse thinking I needed to save you but it was Lucifer, not you. And Lucifer was- he was killing me Dean but then you sauntered in, like you always do, and then he forgot about me and put all his focus on you and he- he killed you Dean, he killed you and it was all my fault, all of it," Castiel feels himself beginning to lose control, tears making tracks down his cheeks.

"Hey it's not your fault Cas, not your fault," Dean murmurs, pulling Castiel into him, resting his chin on the top of Castiel's head, "You were just trying to save me."

Castiel shakes his head because this is his fault, Dean doesn't know what he's saying, he's just trying to comfort Castiel and he shouldn't even be doing that because he is the reason he's dead and Dean should hate him, should push him away. He shouldn't be trying to comfort him. He doesn't deserve this.

Dean coaxes him from his chest, his fingers curling around Castiel's cheeks, pressing their foreheads together, his eyes boring into Castiel's, "Listen to me Cas;  _this is not your fault_ , okay?"

"You don't mean that, you can't," Castiel shuts his eyes tightly, shivering.

"Yes I do, I mean every word because this isn't your fault. This was Lucifer, not you Cas and you need to remember that. I fucking love you Cas and you need to listen to me, I don't blame you because this was  _not_  your fault."

Castiel looks at Dean, sees nothing but truth in them and asks slowly, his voice quiet, "You don't hate me?"

"Didn't you listen, _I love you_  Cas and nothing’s going to change that, not even me fucking dying, so stop thinking otherwise."

"I love you Dean, so much," Castiel throws his arms around Dean, burying his face in Dean's neck. Dean lets his arms drape around Castiel's waist, sighing heavily.

"So, Lucifer kills me in a warehouse huh?" Dean murmurs.

"Yes, in a warehouse not far from Bobby's cabin," Castiel whispers.

"Was that when you turned up here with the colt? When you said it didn't work?" Dean asks softly. Castiel only nods in reply, wanting this conversation to be over now because he can't talk about this anymore. But then he realises what he has just done and pulls back from Dean in horror.

"Cas, what is it?"

"You wouldn't have known," Castiel says aghast.

"Known what?" Dean frowns.

"You wouldn't have known where to be or what day if I hadn't just told you. If I hadn't have said anything there would have been no way for you to know to be there at that warehouse on that day and you wouldn't have died," Castiel shakes his head, tears forming in his eyes again, hysteria taking a hold of him, "By telling you, I've just killed you. This is all my fault; I might as well have killed you myself."

Dean forces Castiel to look at him, holding his gaze, "Hey, hey, what did I say about blaming yourself huh? And if you hadn't have told me I would have found out some other way. I would have just have asked Chuck instead and he would have told me and if not, I'd have put a gun to his head till he did. You telling me when and where it happens doesn't force me to walk in there and get myself killed, that's on me, that's  _my_ choice, my choice to save you. And when the angels force me back in time I will fucking do it again Cas, not because you told me that's what happens, because it's what  _I_ will choose to do. So don't you fucking think that by telling me you have somehow signed my death warrant, that's on me, not you. Okay?"

"But Dean-" Castiel starts to reply because even after Dean's speech he still knows that it's his fault.  _He_ is the one who managed to get trapped by Lucifer,  _he_  is the one who had just blurted it out to Dean, telling him exactly where he needs to be to die, this is on him no matter what Dean says.

"No, don't _'but Dean'_ me. Don't you get it Cas? I will fucking die for you and Sam, I will and I'll do it over and over if I have to because I am not going to let either of you die Cas, not on my watch. And if that means I have to die for you both then so be it. And I don't give a  _fuck_ how selfish or fucked up that is okay because me being selfish is going to keep you and Sam alive. And don't for one fucking second pretend you wouldn't do the same for me because you turning around and saying you wish you hadn't told me where it happens is basically you saying that you would prefer to die, to die instead of me so how is that any different to me choosing to die for you?" Dean shouts, his eyes watering but no tears escaping down his cheeks, "There is  _no_  difference Cas and you need to understand that."

" _Dean_ ," Castiel croaks because he doesn't know what to say, to know that someone out there is willing to die for you, is comparing you to his brother, someone that Dean has loved since he was four years old.

"When Raphael killed you, when you died so I could get to Sam, do you blame me for it?" Dean blurts out.

"No, of course not, it was my decision," Castiel gulps, realising he is playing to what Dean is telling him but he can't lie to him.

"And what about you falling, do you blame me for that, think that I should feel guilty?" Dean asks softly.

"No," Castiel answers automatically because it had been his own choice, all of it.

"Exactly Cas, so why are you blaming yourself for  _my_ decisions?" Dean sighs, his whole body deflating and he reaches forward to stroke Castiel's cheek softly, "I just wish you wouldn't blame yourself Cas... But I get it, I mean; I blamed myself when Sam died. I felt so fucking guilty about it when I shouldn't have, because it hadn't been my fault, not really but I just- I couldn't help but blame myself completely, you know? And you know what happened to me because I blamed myself even when it hadn't been my fault? I went to Hell. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take it back for a second because me going to Hell was worth my brother staying alive but listen to me, you blaming yourself isn't going to help anybody, it's only going to break you, break us, so just promise me that you'll try and not feel guilty about this. Promise me Cas."

Castiel gulps, then nods, "Yes, I'll try."

"Okay baby, all you can do is try for me," Dean kisses his forehead, Castiel leaning towards his touch.

"We're supposed to be summoning Gabriel," Castiel says into the silence, wanting to change the subject, willing for Dean to follow him.

"We can summon him tomorrow," Dean shrugs, lightly wiping away the remaining tears on Castiel's cheeks with his thumb, "Nothing is going to change in a day and I don't think we should be summoning an archangel when we're not at our best, doesn't make sense Cas."

"Okay, we can summon him tomorrow instead then," Castiel smiles thinly.

"Let's go to the diner and tell Sam that we're doing it tomorrow instead," Dean seems to hesitate before saying, "We can't tell Sam about what happens to me because I know him, he'll try and stop it and me going back and saving your asses and me dying, it's all already happened. It can't be changed so Sam would be just trying to stop something that's happened already and I remember what it did to him when he couldn't get me out of my Hell deal and I'm not going to make him go through that shit again. It's just easier for him to not know, at least for now anyway, so we don't tell Sam okay?"

"We don't tell Sam," Castiel says tightly.

"Come on then," Dean stands up, hauling Castiel up by the hand, walking to the door before pausing and turning back to Castiel, biting his bottom lip.

"Dean?"

Dean reaches for Castiel's neck and Castiel freezes as Dean pulls the necklace from underneath Castiel's clothing, twisting it around until he finds the clasp. His eyebrows furrow as he undoes it, dropping the ring from the chain into his palm. Dean reaches for Castiel's left hand and gently pushes the ring onto his finger.

"I'm guessing you were only wearing it around your neck cause I couldn't see it right? Well now you can wear it like it's supposed to be worn," Dean smiles.

"What about Sam?" Castiel asks, staring at his newly decorated hand, the silver glinting in the sunlight that's shining through the window.

"Oh please, Sam probably won't even notice and even if he does he won't say anything, he's trying to be 'respectful of our relationship'," Dean rolls his eyes but smiles affectionately, showcasing one of his special _'Sam Smiles'_.

"Thank you Dean," Castiel smiles

"You're welcome Cas. Now I don't know about you but after that I'm fucking starving so let’s go get some food," Dean grins, pulling Castiel by the hand and Castiel can't help but smile when Dean starts raving about how many pancakes he's going to buy them both.

 


	22. Chapter 22

"How long are we going to wait?" Dean asks, his legs dangling off the table he's sitting on, an angel blade being twirled in his hand lazily. While the angel blade wouldn't kill Gabriel if he were to attack, it would still injure him; give Castiel enough time to get Sam and Dean out of here.

"As long as necessary," Castiel says calmly, his own angel blade under his coat sleeve, ready for attack.

"It's only been two hours Dean, have a little patience," Sam says, his fingers curling and uncurling, ready for a fight if necessary. At least one of the Winchester's seems to be prepared.

" _Only_ two hours," Dean mutters, "Gabriel's a dick."

Castiel is about to chastise him but a new voice rings out, "Well, I think you're a dick too Deano."

Castiel turns to meet Gabriel, who's standing a few feet away, a lollipop stuffed into his mouth.

"What the fuck," Dean growls.

Castiel ignores Dean, nods tightly, "Gabriel."

Gabriel pulls the lollipop out of his mouth with a small pop and grins, "What's up bro? Gotta tell you man, when I heard you were hanging around with these two idiots I thought it was just a crazy rumour but look at you, rebelling against Heaven for the  _Winchester's._ Think you've lost it dude."

Before Castiel can reply, Dean spits out, " _This_ is Gabriel?"

Castiel frowns, wondering what he's missed, "Yes... You know each other?"

"Yeah, he only killed me about a hundred times for kicks!" Dean shouts, glaring at Gabriel.

"He did what?!" Castiel spins to looks back at Gabriel, appalled to find an impish grin plastered on his face.

"Oh relax bro, it was in a pretend universe, never really happened," Gabriel shrugs.

"Yeah but I had to watch it all, watch my brother die in every possible way over and over," Sam shouts.

"Oh calm down and stop being so overdramatic," Gabriel rolls his eyes.

"Calm down?" Sam grunts.

"You know what  _Trickster_ or  _Gabriel_ or whatever you want to be fucking called, you can go fly off and fuck yourself," Dean growls, stepping forward, the blade pressed tightly into his grip.

"Castiel, control your pets or I'm going to hurt them," Gabriel's presses his lips together, the smile suddenly gone and replaced with a dangerous look in his eye.

"Okay, enough!" Castiel shouts, all eyes turning to look at him, "I have no idea how you three could  _possibly_  know each other but I am assuming that it didn't end well."

"You can say that again," Dean mutters but steps back a few steps, his arm brushing Castiel's.

"Shut up Dean, you don't even remember me killing you," Gabriel pulls a face; "I wish you did though."

"Gabriel," Castiel snaps, his nostrils flaring because he doesn't care that Gabriel can kill him as easily as a human can tread on a spider, he is not going to let him hurt the Winchester's in any way possible, "Why did you come here and follow my summoning?"

Gabriel shrugs, "Well, first of all, I wanted to see whether the rumours were true about you rebelling for these two and I guess they are. Thought you were too much of a goody two shoes to do that but I suppose things have changed since I last made a visit upstairs."

"A lot has changed," Castiel says sadly, "The angels are not doing God's work anymore; they are using His name to advocate  _their_  beliefs. Heaven is no longer God's place."

Gabriel sighs, "Thought as much. I guess it was gonna happen at some point."

"What and you didn't think to go up there and help out, stop angels like Cas being fucking  _preyed_  upon because they still wanted to do their Dad's work?" Dean spits.

Gabriel ignores Dean and tilts his head to Castiel, "Seriously bro, of all the people you could have rebelled for,  _these two_ managed to sway your vote?"

"Stop it Gabriel," Castiel growls, curling his fingers around Dean's wrist to calm him, to try and calm himself in the process, to show Dean that he doesn't care what Gabriel thinks or what anyone thinks. Sam and Dean are the most important people in the world.

Gabriel lowers his gaze to Castiel's grip on Dean's wrist and his eyebrows raise, his eyes widening. Castiel feels Dean stiffen but he doesn't pull away from Castiel's grip. Actually, he leans more into Castiel, their arms pressed against each other.

"Don't tell me you're fucking this guy," Gabriel says, his eyes still wide.

"Fuck off Gabriel," Dean grunts.

"You are aren't you?" Gabriel whistles, "Wow, didn't see that one coming."

"I'll ask again, why did you come here apart from the intention to insult these two boys?" Castiel grits out.

Gabriel's face changes into a serious expression, "You want my help to defeat my big bro don't you?"

"He has to be stopped Gabriel," Castiel says slowly, aware that even though Lucifer had committed evil acts he still is Gabriel's family, had been one of his closest brother's at a time.

Gabriel sighs, "I know he does, he's not gonna stop until the whole Earth is burning and truth be told I like this planet and its annoying little humans that persevere like cockroaches. If humans are gone how am I going to have any fun?"

"Aren't you a humanitarian," Sam says.

"Shut up Sam," Gabriel retorts.

"So you'll help us?" Castiel asks, feeling hope rise in his stomach.

"It depends on what you're asking me to do. I'm not going to fight him Castiel," Gabriel says tightly.

"Why not?" Sam asks from behind them.

"Because he’s my brother even if he is a dick. If Deano here turned ugly would you be able to look him in the eye and stab him?"

The silence behind them answers the question easily.

"Give us your blade," Castiel says.

"Say what?" Gabriel's eyebrows rise.

"Give us your blade. An archangel blade is the only thing that we know will kill him and you are the only one willing to help try and stop him."

"You want me to hand over a weapon that can kill me to you and your two humans that hate me?" Gabriel frowns.

"No, I am asking for you to give it to  _me. Please_ Gabriel," Castiel asks.

Gabriel pauses, popping the lollipop into his mouth, humming and Castiel knows that everything depends on what Gabriel will decide on. He feels Dean's arm nudge him slightly in comfort and he forces himself to breathe calmly and wait for Gabriel to make a decision, even though he desperately just wants to scream out and make him decide  _right now._

Gabriel takes the lollipop from his mouth and grimaces, "I'm probably going to regret this but fine okay? You can take it but I want it back when you're done with it. Don't contact me until you're finished with it or I swear I'll just kill you all. I don't want to know when or how you're going to kill him, just call me when you're done."

With that Gabriel disappears, the archangel blade now in Castiel's free hand. He stares at it in shock, surprised that Gabriel had agreed to it so very easily.

"Well, that was unexpected," Sam says dryly.

"That's it right; he hasn't given us a fake one?" Dean asks, hovering his hands over the blade.

"This is it, yes," Castiel nods, feeling the power radiating from it.

"Well, I still think he's a complete and utter dick and a coward as well but I gotta hand it to him for giving us this," Dean shrugs.

"I thought it would be more difficult," Castiel agrees, "I didn't even think he would show."

"So that's what kills the Devil," Dean says slowly before looking up at Castiel, "So now we've just got to figure out how to use it on him before we all get roasted alive."

"Do you think we should maybe move in case he changes his mind?" Sam asks, looking over Dean's shoulder to stare at the blade.

"Good idea," Castiel nods, pressing his palms against Sam and Dean's chest, taking them back to the motel room.

"Dude, you've really gotta start warning us before you do that," Dean's eyes widen.

"My apologies, I'll remember next time," Castiel promises.

"Okay," Dean smiles, patting Castiel's chest before going to sit on the edge of their bed.

"How do you two know Gabriel?" Castiel asks curiously.

"Well, we knew him as the Trickster for starters," Dean says.

"The Trickster?" Castiel asks, sitting next to Dean, Sam sitting on one of the dining chairs.

"There were some weird deaths going on, we followed it up with Bobby's help. It was a Trickster and we thought we killed it but I guess now that we know it was Gabriel it's pretty obvious that we couldn't have killed him, what with him being an archangel and all. Fuck, I still can't believe he's an archangel, he's not very holy Cas," Dean says with a frown.

"He left Heaven centuries ago, I think he has been affected by his many years on Earth with humans," Castiel says.

"You can say that again," Dean snorts.

"Why, did you not hear what I said?" Castiel tilts his head.

"I didn't mean- Never mind Cas," Dean sighs and Castiel is certain that he has somehow made another mistake on his part but he doesn't mind when Dean is grinning at him like that.

"So where does you being killed a hundred times come into this?" Castiel asks, angry at even the thought.

Sam sighs, "It happened in the year that Dean was going to Hell. He stuck me in some kind of groundhog's day, made me watch Dean die over and over again. He said he was teaching me a lesson, that I needed to learn how to live without him because he would be gone soon."

Castiel's throat tightens at this and he feels Dean's body tense up beside him. Sam is only talking about the past, something that had happened over a year ago now but what he's saying is so horrifically current because Sam  _is_  going to have to learn to live without Dean because at some point Dean is going to be sent back and die.

And at some point Castiel himself is going to have to live without Dean. But then again, does Castiel really intend to live on when Dean is sent back?

A phone ringing interrupts Castiel's thoughts, for which he is glad, because he doesn't like thinking about Dean dying, of Sam losing him, any of it.

"Hey Bobby, guess what, we’ve just found out a way to ice the Devil," Dean grins.

"I don't care if you've just met God and he wears a tutu and works at MacDonald’s, get your asses here now," Bobby shouts down the phone, Castiel easily hearing it.

Dean tenses, "Why Bobby, what's wrong?"

"Demons have taken over the whole town, there are a few hunters here but we need your help boys," Bobby shouts, gunshots in the background.

"Where are you?" Dean grunts, standing up, Castiel following him.

"Jamestown in Michigan, now get here as fast as you can, could do with all the help right about now. Get your angel to get your asses here," Bobby says before hanging up the phone.

"Come on Cas, let’s go."

Castiel hesitates, "I don't think that would be a good idea."

"Come on Cas, Bobby wouldn't call us if he didn't need to, we have to go help them," Dean frowns.

Castiel watches Dean for a moment and he knows he can't say no to him about this so relents and says to Dean, "Okay, fine, but before we go, just remember, if a demon sees you, do  _not_ let them go, do not let them run away or leave the human they are possessing, you kill them right away."

"Why?" Sam asks with a frown.

Castiel doesn't take his eyes off Dean, "Because those demons will go and find a way to tell Lucifer where you are and Lucifer cannot know where you are located at any given time."

Dean's eyes widen as he realises what Castiel is trying to tell him, that Lucifer thinks he is dead and that Dean is relatively safe at the moment. This would all easily change if a demon were to reach Lucifer and tell him of Dean's miraculous return to life.

Dean clears his throat and mutters, "Right, we don't let any demon escape once they've seen us."

"Okay, gather your weapons and we'll go."

It only takes them a few moments until they have gotten all they need, the demon knife, the angel blades already in their possession.

"Stick together," Castiel eyes them both, waiting for their nods of agreement before touching both of their shoulders, sending them to the town infested with demons, having no idea what they could be landing in.


	23. Chapter 23

As soon as they arrive in a small bedroom, they can already hear the gunshots, the screams from all around them, hunters shouting orders or warnings to each other.

"We move from one building to the next, clearing out the buildings while the other hunter's deal with outside," Castiel tells them quietly.

"But Cas-" Dean starts to say.

"It's the only way we can ensure that no demon will see you and escape from us," Castiel cuts him off.

Dean opens his mouth, probably to fight back, that it would be more helpful for them to go outside to help the hunters out there but he seems to relent because he nods, "Yeah, okay."

It's not till the third building, a semi-detached house, that they encounter anyone else. Castiel lands them in a living room and hearing a rustling from one of the closets, he wrenches the door open, prepared to fight a cowardly demon. What it turns out to be is a young woman and her two young children, a boy and a girl, her arms wrapped protectively around them as a shield.

"Please don't hurt them," the woman begs, "You can do whatever you want to me but please, not my babies."

"Cas?" Dean whispers.

Castiel leans down, pocketing the blade for a moment to show the woman he means no harm and places his fingertips on the woman's forehead, ignoring her wince. He leaves them at the town over, near a hospital in case they require any medical attention. As soon as he drops them there, he leaves them, not wanting to have to answer any questions because Sam and Dean need him.

Dean only nods when he appears beside him and he sees them both brace themselves for Castiel to take them to their next location.

The next building, a corner shop, holds several demons. All of their heads snap towards them when Castiel and the boys appear. They waste no time, all coming at them at an incredible speed, punching and kicking furiously, not even taking notice who they are dealing with, just wanting them to be dead. Castiel can only assume these are the low level demons here, clumsy and disorganised, almost fighting among themselves as to who can get to the new flesh quicker.

The fight doesn't last very long, Dean and Sam fighting strongly with the blade and knife, while Castiel flits between them, killing the demons with the blade when any get past Dean and Sam's defence, sending silent prayers for the humans they were possessing, something that he always does.

"Next building?" Sam asks, only slightly out of breath.

"Yes," Castiel says, taking them to the next building, and the next one after that when they find nothing. Castiel notices that the gun fire outside has started to cease and Castiel can only hope that they are winning the fight, that demons are either leaving, knowing that they are losing, or that most of them have already been killed.

In some buildings they find some humans hiding, in closets, under a bed, Castiel always finding them and taking them to a place of safety each time, leaving them near hospitals across the state, not wanting to draw attention to the hospital from the town over by sending all the humans there, knowing that would cause unwanted attention to the town by police and Castiel can't let that happen when there are still demons around. He knows any human entering the town would be unprepared and would most likely die.

In other buildings they find one or two demons. Castiel doesn't know what they're doing; especially when they are seemingly hiding from the action with the other hunter's but Castiel doesn't wait to find out, easily killing the stragglers, not even needing Sam and Dean to hold them off while he stabs them.

It's not until Castiel takes them to the town's supermarket that they encounter hordes of demons, many of them already fighting other hunters that are around them, gun shots weighing heavily in the air.

A few demons that are on the edge of the fight turn to meet them, men and women, most in their late twenties, although some are younger. It's worse when they are younger, Castiel can see into all the human's souls, see their lives, their hopes for the future, the pure terror they are feeling now that they aren't even in control of their own body, having to watch as a demon kills with their hands. It's worse because Castiel can see into their dreams, what lives they want and Castiel know he is going to end them.

"I thought you were dead Winchester," the demon nearest to them snarls but even Castiel can hear the surprise in his voice.

"Yeah, well your monthly newsletters are wrong," Dean grunts, before charging forward, Sam and Castiel hot on his heel.

The fight is difficult, the demons not holding back, punching, kicking and scratching their way at Castiel, Sam and Dean. Castiel tries to not let any demon grab onto him, weaving his way through the demons, staying as close to Sam and Dean as possible, stabbing the demons threatening to seriously harm them.

The charge of demons seem to be ongoing, some still fighting with the hunters across the different aisles, but many of them joining in the fight against Castiel and the Winchester's, either because they have realised it is  _the_ Dean Winchester, who should be dead already, or it's because they see that the three of them are more of a threat than the other hunters in the building.

Two demons jump on Castiel, their fists colliding with his stomach, their fingers scrabbling at him, eager to make him bleed. Another demon jumps on his back but he throws him off, turning to him on the floor, pushing his blade into his heart without a thought, turning back to the two demons now clawing at his back. His fist collides with the demon closest to him, knocking her back, stabbing her quickly before quickly turning his attention to the other demon. The demon's eyes widen and he steps back momentarily, as if he knows he's in a losing battle but Castiel doesn't let him escape his vessel, can't let the chance of Dean being alive be let out, so he pushes the knife into the demon's throat, blood splattering onto his face.

The fight between these three demons causes Castiel to lose his bearings and he growls as he realises he's swayed away from Sam and Dean. Bodies litter the floor, only a few demons still standing as Castiel twirls around to look for the Winchester's, praying that they are okay, that nothing has happened to them.

He catches a glint of a knife in the corner of his eye and he turns to see the knife being aimed at Sam's heart that at any second is going to hit him. Castiel wastes no time and puts himself between Sam and the demon because he will not let his friend get hurt, least of all die, not on his watch.

Castiel gasps in pain as the sharp blade stabs him in the chest, just narrowly missing his heart, but piercing through his lung, through his major arteries. The demon pulls the knife out of him, blood spurting out of him like lava but the worst feeling is how he is bleeding out on the inside, blood pooling around his heart, making it impossible to breathe. His knees give away as he presses his hand to his chest, trying to stop some of the blood loss, to stop the pain.

Without any strength to fight it, the blade is grappled from him but Castiel relaxes somewhat when he realises its Sam, the blade being shoved into the demon's neck. Castiel looks around wildly, looking for Dean, blood seeming to cloud his vision. He finds Dean a few feet away, propped up against a wall, his hand covering a blooded section of his shirt and it's all so similar,  _too similar_ to what had happened before, blood pouring from Dean's stomach and Castiel knows he has to get to him, to save him like he couldn't last time.

Castiel attempts to make his way to him, gasping in short painful breaths. A strong arm wraps itself around his waist and tries to stop him from moving any further, Sam's attempt to try and help him, but Castiel struggles with him, carries on walking to Dean, terrified as to what is wrong with Dean, needing to get there to help him in any way possible.

He collapses next to Dean; Sam's arm holding him tightly so he doesn't fall heavily.

"Cas?" Dean asks, eyes wide in horror.

Castiel looks into Dean's terrified eyes and finds the strength to take them to a hospital, any hospital, he's not sure of which. And then it's all too much. His vision goes red and then he's falling, falling so heavily but he doesn't care because Sam and Dean are safe.

And that's all that matters.

* * *

 

Castiel opens his eyes to a dull white ceiling, small specks of dark green showing through where the paint has flicked off. He groans as he looks around the clinically white room and realises he is at a hospital, him being the only one in the small room, only a persistent beeping filling the air.

He claws at the tubes sticking into his nose, pulling them out and forcing himself to sit up, a different set of shrill beeping now playing. He pulls at the tubes sticking into his arm, at the small contraption fitted onto his finger. Ignoring the horrific pain of his chest, he forces himself to sit up, several machines beeping now and Castiel can only assume he's caused it by pulling out the machinery. He knows that the beeping will bring medics to his room which means he either has to stop it from making the noise or get out of here quickly. He decides on the latter.

He pulls himself to his feet unsteadily, his breathing heavy as he nearly falls but he knows he has to move, that he has to get to Dean because he doesn't know if he's okay.

_Please Father, let him be okay._

He walks out of the room, nearly falling twice but he keeps in control, his body shaking as he walks and he has never felt this much pain, has never felt so weak before and he _hates_ it.

He's down the corridor, watching his feet as if it will make him keep from stumbling when two hands grip his shoulders tightly.

"Cas?"

Castiel looks up and relaxes when he realises it is Sam, not someone trying to stop him. And the fact that Sam is here but not a grieving wreck means that Dean is somewhere nearby but not gravely injured, that he is okay enough for Sam to leave him. Castiel tries to sigh in relief but his chest protests and he lets out a groan of pain instead, leaning slightly towards Sam's strong body.

"Cas, I was just coming to see you," Sam says, "You should be in bed."

"Take me to Dean," Castiel croaks.

"Dean's okay Cas," Sam soothes, "You just need to go back and rest, wait until your grace heals you up."

"No," Castiel shakes his head weakly, "Take me to Dean."

Sam looks like he wants to argue but Castiel just stares at him pleadingly until Sam sighs, hooks an arm around Castiel's waist and slowly starts to walk him down the corridors.

"Dean's gonna kill me when he finds out I let you walk around like this," Sam mutters.

"Is he okay?" Castiel asks, having to take long shaky breaths between each word.

"Yeah, he's fine. I was just talking to the doctors before I was coming to see you. They said he'll be up and running in a few days- well maybe not running, but he'll be fine," Sam says, tightening his hold on Castiel as Castiel nearly falls, "Are you sure I shouldn't take you back to your bed?"

"Yes, I just need to see Dean," Castiel pants.

"Yeah, I get it Cas and I suppose I couldn't exactly take you back now. You're supposed to be recovering from major surgery,” Sam’s voice wavers a little, “The doctors said that you probably wouldn't even wake up but I knew they were wrong. I knew you'd be okay Cas."

"Because I'm an angel," Castiel mumbles.

"No, because you're a stubborn son of a bitch who refuses to die," Sam grins and Castiel can't help but smile back, "I kinda wish I could see the doctor’s faces when they go into your room and find that a guy that has just been stabbed in the chest has somehow managed to walk off. Here we go Cas, he's just in here."

Sam props Castiel up with one arm as he opens the door, shutting it quickly behind them, before leading Castiel to a chair. Castiel can't take his eyes off Dean, his eyes shut, and wearing an exact replica of the hospital gown that Castiel is wearing, a few tubes sticking into his left arm. Castiel grips onto Dean's right hand, holding it as tightly as he can, which is very little with how weak he is.

"He's still out of it, the doctors put him under, though they kinda gave him a bit more than necessary," Sam says, sitting on the other side of Dean's sleeping frame.

"What, why?" Castiel feels himself to panic.

"Because he wouldn't stop fighting them, trying to get to you," Sam smiles faintly.

"Oh."

"You saved me Cas," Sam says softly.

"I only did what anyone else would have done," Castiel says, still not taking his eyes of Dean.

"No you didn't," Sam argues back, "Just-  _thank you_ , for saving my life."

"You are more than welcome," Castiel says, before looking back at Dean, "Is Bobby okay?"

"Yeah, he's good, all the demons are gone. Bobby's on his way down here, picked up the impala on the way down. He's driving it to us."

"Okay," Castiel nods, letting his thumb make slow comforting movements on Dean's hand.

"I've got your trench coat by the way, made the doctors give it to me. I don't know how but there's no blood on it," Sam winces, "But all your other clothes were ruined and they kinda trashed them, I didn't know else I would have stopped them."

"It's okay," Castiel sighs, "I don't think I would have enough grace to put them back into their proper state anyway."

Sam smiles sympathetically, "When Bobby gets here, you can borrow some of our clothes until we get some of your own."

"Thank you," Castiel smiles back before his face falls, "Wait, what about Gabriel's blade?"

"Relax Cas, I've got it. I don't know how, but before the doctors got on you and Dean I somehow managed to have a clear thought and I took all the weapons off you both, Zachariah's and Gabriel's blade included," Sam says.

"So they're safe?" Castiel asks.

"They're safe," Sam nods.

Castiel's body slumps in relief before he asks quietly, "Where is my trench coat?"

Sam chuckles softly, before standing up and pulling open the drawer on the bed side table, taking the folded trench coat out, "Here, why, do you want to put it on?"

Castiel feels childish for nodding but he does anyway, not just for his sake but for Dean's. He knows that if Dean wakes up to see Castiel in only a hospital gown, he is more than likely going to worry, so if Castiel wears the coat it'll show that he's still Castiel, that he is okay enough to wear his coat. It's probably a foolish thought because either way Castiel is still wearing a hospital gown but still, he feels odd without his coat. He knows that humans would probably compare his trench coat to a security blanket.

Sam comes around to his side of the bed, props Castiel up with a steady arm and slowly weaves Castiel into the coat, gently placing him back onto the chair, "There, you're already looking better Cas."

After that, they sit in a companionable silence for a short while, both sets of eyes on Dean, waiting for him to wake up, the only noise the monotonous beeping and Castiel's raspy breath. Castiel can feel himself slowly healing from the inside out but it's slow, even slower than when he was stabbed in his intestines and Castiel knows it is yet another example as to how far he's fallen. But the fact that he still  _alive_ shows that he is still far from being entirely human and that's something Castiel focuses on as he holds onto Dean's hand.

It's a while later until Dean's hand twitches in Castiel's grasp, a groan escaping his lips, his head tilting, facing Sam. He flickers his eyes open, his pupils slowly focusing on Sam, a small frown on his lips.

"Dean?" Sam half stands up.

"Sammy?" Dean asks throatily.

"You're okay Dean, just relax," Sam squeezes his arm.

Dean's eyes widen and he wheezes out, "Cas, what about Cas?"

"I'm here Dean, I'm here," Castiel says, hating at how weak he sounds.

Dean twists his head to see Castiel, his body relaxing somewhat when he sees Castiel, but the frown is still there, pain evident in his eyes, "Cas, are you okay? You were-"

"I'm fine Dean, I'm healing," Castiel lets his other hand cover his and Dean's, smiling faintly to let Dean know that he's okay, that he's not about to collapse and die.

"He saved my life Dean," Sam says, looking at Castiel with so much awe that Castiel has too look away and look at his hands linked with Dean's instead.

"It was nothing," Castiel mutters.

"Hey," Dean croaks, shifting his hand so his palm presses to Castiel's making Castiel look up at him, " _Thank you_."

Sam clears his throat, "Um, I'm going to go call Bobby, see where he is, he's gotta be near now. And we kinda need clothes so we can hide the fact that you're supposed to be a patient Cas."

"Okay Sam," Castiel smiles gratefully.

"Glad you're okay Dean, you too Cas," Sam smiles, before leaving them.

"You okay baby? I was,  _shit_ , I was worried about you Cas," Dean murmurs, tightening his hold on Castiel's hand, his eyes wide in concern.

"I'm fine Dean, really, I just need to heal," Castiel soothes but even he can hear the pain in his voice, the short gasps he takes with every few breaths as his chest protests.

"What the hell was Sam thinking letting you come here when you should clearly be in a fucking hospital bed yourself?" Dean mutters.

Castiel can't help but smile, "Sam said you would kill him when you found out he'd let me walk around like this. Alas it wasn't his choice. I left my room and was coming to find you when I walked into Sam and he tried to take me back but I needed to come be with you."

"You shouldn't have done that Cas, you should have stayed in bed and fucking rested," Dean says tiredly.

"Oh," Castiel slumps his shoulders.

"Don't worry about it now, glad you're here Cas and if it was the other way around, I would have got up out of this bed to come find you too. Guess we're both idiots, huh?" Dean smiles, trying to sit up but winces and sags back to the bed.

"You're not in too much pain are you?" Castiel asks, looking at Dean worriedly.

"Nah," Dean smiles crookedly, "I remember once when my shoulder was dislocated, Sammy had to give me stitches all across my one hand and I had more than too many bruises all over and I survived that without going to hospital. This Cas, is a walk in the park."

Neither mentions the reason why Dean has a high pain threshold, because he has been to Hell, because he has endured pain that most humans don't even know exists. Castiel can't help but think of all the sacrifices Dean has made, the sacrifices he is still yet to make and it's all so unfair. Dean deserves better, deserves a happy life. He didn't deserve his mother to be killed so horrifically, for his father to be a drill sergeant rather than be his dad, for his brother to be tainted with demon blood. Castiel wishes, even if it meant that Castiel had never met him, that Dean could have lived the 'apple pie' life that he deserves so much, that he wants, because Dean's happiness is more important than Castiel's, much more. But Castiel knows that wishing is hopeless, that he can't change the past, nor can he can change Dean's impending future.

The future that Castiel had been so terribly reminded of when he had seen Dean in that supermarket, blood rushing from his stomach, exactly where it had poured out when Lucifer had killed him. It's as if the harder Castiel tries to put it at the back of his mind and focus on the present, focus on loving Dean and not thinking about what will happen to him, he gets forced into being reminded of it, hitting him harshly in the heart each time. He can't get away from it, can never get away from it.

"You okay Cas?" Dean asks softly.

"Seeing you like that, it was like-" Castiel falters, his throat catching in his throat, "it was like watching it all over again."

"Watching what Cas?" Dean murmurs.

Castiel lets out a few shaky pained breaths before admitting, knowing that he needs to be honest with Dean from now on, that he can't lie to him anymore, "Watching you die."

Dean's face instantly softens, his grip of Castiel's hand tightening roughly as he shifts himself to the edge of the bed, making room beside him, "Come here Cas."

"No I don't want to hurt you, you're injured," Castiel shakes his head.

"I don't know whether you've noticed but so are you Cas and you should be in bed yourself so either get on here or go find your own bed."

Castiel just stares at him, considering his options. He is definitely not prepared to leave Dean, not when he is hurt and Sam isn't here to protect him.

"Don't make me get up and drag you on to here baby," Dean warns, a childish smirk on his face.

Castiel smiles and gets unsteadily to his feet, very nearly falling as he grips onto the side of the bed and clambers on, Dean's arm that's free of wires wrapping around his waist, pulling him close.

"Told you you wouldn't hurt me baby," Dean murmurs, kissing his temple.

"Hmm," Castiel murmurs, letting his fingers glide against Dean's chest.

Dean clears his throat and mutters, "I kinda hate my future self for making you watch me die."

"There wasn't any other way and I wouldn't have left you to die alone. You were just trying to save me Dean," Castiel doesn't know why he feels the need to defend Future Dean's actions, especially when he disagrees with them himself but he does anyway. He doesn't want Dean to somehow resent his future self in any way, especially when he's going to become that someday.

"Yeah, well I don't hate him for that part," Dean whispers, tightening his hold of Castiel.

Castiel feels a presence watching them and he turns his head slightly to see Sam's face through the small window of the door, his face unreadable, most likely considering whether to invade their conversation or not. He watches as Sam sighs, turns around and stand with his back to the door, guarding them from whatever may find them. Castiel silently thanks him as he leans more into Dean, grateful that Dean has such a caring, understanding brother.

"I love you Dean," Castiel murmurs.

"Me too Cas, me too," Dean says softly, kissing Castiel's hair, "Now try and get some sleep for me baby, it'll help you heal quicker."

"Okay but as long as you get some sleep too," Castiel proposes.

"You've got yourself a deal," Dean whispers, "Oh, and Cas?"

"Yes Dean?" Castiel asks, already feeling himself drift off to sleep.

"Nice coat."

 


	24. Chapter 24

 A knock at the door wakes Castiel, Dean stirring beside him. Castiel sits up, alert, his chest protesting as Dean grumbles, half asleep, half awake, trying to pull Castiel back in his hold. He sees Sam at the door, an apologetic look on his face as he turns the door handle, opening the door to show that Bobby has arrived.

"Hello Bobby," Castiel nods, "I'm glad that you made it out of Jamestown alive."

Bobby chuckles, "Me too boy, me too. And I'm glad you idgits got out okay as well, even if two of you managed to get yourself stabbed. Call yourself hunters, ha."

Castiel doesn't know whether he's joking or not, if Bobby is really insulting them or showing some kind of affection so he turns to Dean to gage his reaction, relaxing when he sees Dean, who has finally awakened, smirking.

"Fuck you Bobby, we killed a hell of a lot of demons out there," Dean retorts, sitting up slightly, his back propped against the pillows.

"What do you want, a medal?" Bobby rolls his eyes, casting a glance at Castiel and Dean, asks gruffly, "You both gonna be on your feet soon enough right?"

"Yeah Bobby, we're fine, we're both stubborn bastards," Dean grins at Castiel, placing his hand at the small of Castiel's back. Castiel can't help but be surprised. He had always thought that Dean would be reluctant in showing any affection in front of Bobby or Sam but Dean either doesn't care or doesn't realise he's doing it. All the same, Castiel leans back slightly to the touch.

"Oh Cas, we got you some clothes. Figured it's best you get out of that hospital gown as quick as possible before a nurse comes in," Sam smiles, holding up a rucksack, pulling out a plain grey t-shirt and sweats, "They're yours Dean but I figured you wouldn't mind."

"Course not," Dean smiles, before frowning at Castiel, "Your clothes are gone?"

Castiel sighs, "Only my coat survived the attack."

"Oh," Dean frowns harder.

Castiel swings his legs off the bed, pathetically dangling off the side as he takes the clothes from Sam. He pulls on the sweats underneath his hospital gown while staying seated, gesturing for Sam to leave him be and let him do this himself because Castiel already feels useless and he needs to be able to at least dress himself without any help. He shrugs off his coat, gasping in pain as the stitches in his chest are stretched.

"Here Cas, let me undo the back of your gown," Dean murmurs softly, ignoring the other two people in the room who are looking anywhere but the two of them, their backs now facing them. It’s only then that Castiel remembers that humans have a strange affliction with seeing each other nude unless they are about to have sex and he feels himself blush slightly in embarrassment, realising that perhaps he should have gone somewhere else to get changed. Dean unties the back of the gown, throwing it across to hit the back of Sam's head who yelps in reply, muttering 'dick' under his breath, stuffing the hospital gown in the rucksack.

Castiel tries to pull on Dean’s t-shirt but he only gets half way when the pain is too much and he drops it from his shoulders again, sighing in irritation. It's not the first time he has himself questioning how humans go about their day when they can be so easily hurt all the time, how Sam and Dean have survived all this time, getting injured and carrying on with hunting, most of the time not even checking into a hospital, carrying on with such gusto, even when they must have been in terrible pain.

"Come here Cas," Dean says, tugging at Castiel's elbow until Castiel turns to him, pulling his legs back up on to the bed and crossing them. Dean gently pulls Castiel's arms up, wincing as he sees the bandages on his front, quickly pulling the t-shirt over his head, his arms through the loops, quick enough that it doesn't hurt  _too_ much.

Castiel smiles gratefully, "Thank you Dean."

"You're welcome Cas," Dean says softly, before turning to the backs of Sam and Bobby's heads and rolling his eyes, "You can look now, the angel is dressed again."

Sam and Bobby turn around sheepishly; a blush on Sam's face but Bobby's face is ever unreadable to Castiel, something that still frustrates him. They both come and sit either side of the bed and Castiel starts to get off the bed too but Dean's fingers wind around his wrist stopping him. Dean tugs at him gently so Castiel lets himself be pulled back to Dean's side, letting his hand find Dean's. He catches both Bobby and Sam noticing but neither say anything for which Castiel is grateful for, for Dean's sake.

"So what was with all the demons?" Dean asks.

Bobby grimaces, "It's happening all over the damn place, demons taking over towns, not just in America either, all across the world. Other things are going crazy as well, doing things that they wouldn't have dreamed of doing before, ghosts, werewolves, you name 'em. You just have to turn the news on and you see them all. Course, the news say stuff like towns are getting infected with an illness, some bullshit like that because I guess it’s easier for people to buy that than the truth that demons are possessing the poor bastards but you only have to turn the news on and it's right there. I don't know, it's like the apocalypse has set them all off."

"Its cause they've got nothing to lose anymore. There's only so many hunters to go around and I bet they figure, end of the world, might as well go out enjoying themselves seeing as they're going to die anyway," Dean says glumly.

"It won't stop till the Devil's dead," Sam agrees with a sigh.

"Didn't you say over the phone that you'd got a way of killing Lucifer?" Bobby looks from Dean to Sam questionably.

"Fuck," Dean says sharply, "The blade, we still got it right?"

"Yes," Sam nods.

"What blade?" Bobby asks.

"An archangel blade is the only way that I know is possible to defeat another archangel," Castiel murmurs, still having to take breaths between some of the words, his chest still fighting against him.

"So why the hell did you wait this long to get one?" Bobby asks with a shout.

"Because," Dean grits out, squeezing Castiel's hand, "All the archangels are up in Heaven wanting Lucifer to fuck the world up so none of them would give it to us. But Cas remembered that Gabriel abandoned Heaven a couple of centuries ago. He didn't even know whether he was still alive or not but we had a go at summoning him, had some words and he agreed to give us his blade to kill the bastard."

"Why doesn't Gabriel just go kill him himself?" Bobby asks, "That would be easier right?"

"Remember the Trickster?" Sam asks Bobby, "The one that was messing with me and Dean?"

"Yeah, I remember him, what the hell has that got to do with this?"

" _He's_ Gabriel," Sam says.

"Well, shit, I wasn't expecting that," Bobby scratches his chin and fiddles with his hat, "He really an archangel?"

"Yup," Dean nods.

"Huh," Bobby huffs, as if Gabriel's identity explains why he would be unwilling to kill Lucifer himself, "So the killing the Devil thing is really down to you three?"

"Yup," Dean says again.

"Well then, we're screwed."

"Hey, fuck you," Dean shouts but he's still grinning, a proud smirk on his face, "I'll have you know that I'm written as prophecy or some shit to be the one to kill him so shut the hell up."

"Hmm," Bobby mutters, "And look at you now princess, all bandaged up in a hospital."

"Well," Dean shuffles uncomfortably and says dejectedly, "I guess the whole killing Lucifer thing is going to be delayed."

"It would be unwise to even think of fighting him when you are not of full health," Castiel says to Dean.

"Yeah, so for now I guess we hide out and wait until I'm ready to take him on?" Dean raises his eyebrows.

"Yes," Castiel nods.

"You can stay at my house," Bobby offers with a shrug.

"We can't, your house is angel proofed and we've got Cas," Dean says.

"How about my cabin?" Bobby asks.

"No!" Castiel shouts, all heads swerving to look at him but he doesn't care because he can't go back there. He will  _not_ go back there.

"Why the hell not?" Bobby asks with a frown.

Castiel can't think of an excuse but Dean squeezes his hand and replies for him, "The angels might know about it, know that it's yours. Or some demons might now. Hell, loads of hunters know of that place and all it takes is for one of them to tell the wrong person and we could be surrounded by angels, demons, the whole shebang, and then we're screwed."

"Then where are we going to stay?" Sam asks.

"We can go stay with Chuck," Castiel says, finding his voice again, "No one knows of that place apart from us so no one will be able to find us. It's in a remote location, no passing demons or angels would possibly see us. It's the perfect spot until we recuperate."

"Don't you think he'll mind, us getting up in his space like that?" Sam asks with a frown.

"The place Cas set him in his freaking huge! And besides, he's probably prophesied this whole conversation and don't you think that if he had a problem with it he would have called us to let us know and say that we can go fuck ourselves?" Dean asks, eyebrows rising, "Besides, he kinda owes us about the whole me and Cas getting stabbed thing."

Sam sighs but nods, "Yeah, okay, when they discharge you we'll go to Chuck's."

"Well that's settled then," Dean grins, "Now, any other business we need to sort out?"

"No, I guess not," Bobby shrugs.

"Good, now let me and Cas sleep," Dean orders.

Sam rolls his eyes while Bobby says, "Sure, we'll let you get some rest. I better be getting back home anyway now that I've brought your precious car to you. Hunters need as much help as they can get right now."

"Okay, bye Bobby," Dean smiles.

"Don't get yourself stabbed in the meantime you idgits," Bobby scowls, and walks out, Sam following him and shutting the door with a thud.

"Come here baby," Dean murmurs, leaning back to lie on the bed, his arm outstretched, asking for Castiel. Castiel leans into him, letting his arm land softly around Dean's waist, careful not to rest on his wound. Dean sighs contently, kissing the top of Castiel's head.

"Sometimes I can't interpret what Bobby is saying, whether he actually likes me or not," Castiel notes.

Dean chuckles softly, "Yeah, well he's kinda tough to understand if you don't know him but don't worry about it, he likes you."

"How do you know?" Castiel looks up at Dean.

Dean grins, "Because he's just insulted you about ten times and called you an idgit. That's Bobby's way of saying welcome to the family."

"Oh," Castiel murmurs, letting his head drop back to Dean's shoulder, "Humans are very confusing."

"Don't I know it baby," Dean laughs, "Now go to sleep, we can worry about the apocalypse tomorrow."

"Okay," Castiel yawns, burying his head further into Dean, kissing his neck softly before he drifts off to a strangely calming sleep.

It's only the next day that Dean is released from the hospital, telling him to return in six days for his stitches to be removed. The three of them go to Chuck who is more than happy to let them stay. Castiel is glad that their friendship is still strong, often sitting at the balcony with him while Dean is busy. Chuck never brings up Future Dean or anything else of the future, just hands him a beer and watches the beach with him.

Castiel sometimes walks in on Chuck and Dean talking quietly, stopping when Castiel comes into the room and Castiel feels like he's missing something but Dean just smiles at him and tell him to stop worrying. Each time, he grabs his hand and says they should go and relax and watch television so Castiel pushes it aside, wraps himself around Dean and lazily watches television with him.

It takes Castiel two days to fully recover from his injury and they are the two most frustrating days he has ever had, having to rest when he could be doing something helpful or advantageous to killing Lucifer. The only good thing about it is Dean has to rest too so they rest with their bodies entwined, Dean murmuring stories from his past, of hunts and bad diners and motels. Castiel just listens, telling his own stories of the Earth, of what he had witnessed from Heaven, how much humans have evolved. Dean stays quiet, stroking his hair as he listens aptly.

The easiness of it all only breaks when he sleeps, waking up in a sweat, panting loudly as he comes out of his nightmare, Dean always waking up, kissing his forehead and soothing him, pulling him in tightly, telling him that he loves him, that he's right there. Noticeably, he never says that he's not going anywhere though because they both know it would be a lie.

Castiel can't decide whether he would prefer Dean to lie to him or not.


	25. Chapter 25

" _I'll finish up with you in a bit Castiel but first, I've got to deal with pesky little Dean here. And don't worry Castiel," Lucifer looks over at Castiel, a small grin tainting his lips, "I'll make it nice and painful for Dean here."_

" _I'm sorry."_

" _You were too late for Dean though wasn't you?"_

" _Let's see how long you last without Dean, with his brother hating your very existence. Let's see how long you last before you just give up, do the universe a favour and kill yourself."_

Castiel sits up screaming Dean's name, thrashing around, his arm colliding with something hard, a muffled shout to his right but he doesn't care and why is it dark and  _where is Dean?_ He needs to save Dean, to stop this.

"Cas!"

Strong hands grip his shoulders and it takes him several moments to see that it's Dean, that he's safe, that he's at Chuck's, that he was just dreaming.

"De-Dean?" Castiel asks, his voice thick.

"Yeah it's me Cas, you're okay, you're okay," Dean presses their foreheads together, his hands resting on Castiel's cheeks softly.

"Dean," Castiel says again but this time he chokes down a sob, leaning forward and burying himself in Dean's chest. One of Dean's arms wraps around his waist, the other hand resting against the back of his neck, making slow soothing motions.

The door slams open with a bang and Castiel doesn't move to see who it is, too wrapped up in Dean's embrace, trying to stop himself from crying because Dean shouldn't have to keep doing this, keep having to comfort him.

"It's alright Sammy, we're fine, go back to sleep," Dean says, slightly out of breath and a few short moments later the door is being shut again, Dean kissing the top of Castiel's head, murmuring, "It's okay baby, it was just a dream."

Castiel shudders, balling his fists against Dean's chest, "I hate it Dean, I hate having to sleep, having to dream, my mind using the worst of my memories and forcing me to relive it. I hate it all."

"I know baby, I know," Dean murmurs, "I know how you feel and I wish I could stop it all for you, I really do. You don't deserve this Cas, none of it."

Castiel sighs heavily, leaning out of Dean's chest to kiss him, to remind him that Dean is  _here,_ that he's okay, that Dean loves him.

Dean lets out a shaky breath once they separate, Castiel letting his hands slither down Dean's chest, stopping short when he sees a red angry mark across his right ribs, recalling that he had hit something when he was coming out of the dream.

"Did I hit you?" Castiel asks, his stomach clenching.

"No big deal Cas," Dean kisses him on the forehead, "I suppose I shouldn't have got in the way, I forget that you're an angel with superhuman strength sometimes."

"I'm sorry," Castiel bites his lip, putting 'hitting Dean' onto his long list of reasons to hate himself.

"Hey, like I said, no big deal," Dean smiles, nudging him, "Remember, I did stab you once, first time we ever met."

Castiel smiles, "Yes, and you shot me, several times if I recall correctly."

"Didn't really think that that would turn out to be this," Dean nuzzles his neck, "That Castiel, who we had no freaking clue who or what he was, who turned around and told me he was a freaking angel of the lord would turn out to be the guy that would completely make me question my whole life, make me actually talk about my feelings and fucking spoon in bed."

Castiel can't help but cough out a laugh, "At least you're the bigger spoon."

"Yeah, there's always that," Dean grins, pecking him on the lips before murmuring, "Ready to go back to sleep baby?"

Castiel sighs but nods, letting himself be gently pulled back to lying down, Dean's arms wrapped tightly around him, Castiel buried into Dean's chest. He tangles his legs with Dean's, already feeling himself fall back to sleep with Dean humming a song that Castiel knows to be  _'Hey Jude_ ', one of the very few songs Castiel is familiar with.

"Just go to sleep baby, I'll watch over you."

So Castiel does.

* * *

Castiel wakes up to an empty bed, his hands clasping on to nothing but he forces himself not to panic. Dean has probably gone in the shower or woken up before him and left him to sleep, something that Castiel should feel grateful for. But he can't help the feeling of being alone which he knows makes no sense but he can't help it. He sits up on the bed, listening to hear the shower of their en-suite bathroom but not hearing anything. So Dean isn't in there then.

Just when Castiel thinks about getting up and going to find him, the door opens. Dean walks in, carrying a tray too high for Castiel to see what's on it. He shuts the door with his hip, a grin plastered on his face.

"Morning Cas," Dean smiles, "Just got up?"

"Yes," Castiel nods blearily, "What's that?"

"Breakfast," Dean says cheerfully, placing the tray on Castiel's lap, an assortment of pancakes, fruit and croissants scattered on there, two glasses of juice in the corner, "Thought I'd treat you to breakfast in bed."

Castiel smiles, pulling Dean by the waist to kiss him, "Thank you Dean."

"You're welcome," Dean grins, climbing back into bed under the covers, grabbing a croissant and taking a massive bite from it, "But this is just the start."

"The start?" Castiel asks, picking up the fork and taking small bites of the pancakes.

"Yeah, I got a whole day planned full of fun," Dean winks at him.

"Fun?" Castiel asks dubiously.

"Yeah, _fun_ ," Dean rolls his eyes, "Is that a foreign concept for you?"

"Shut up Dean," Castiel retorts, getting a nudge in the ribs for that statement.

"Hey, I can cancel the fun day if you act all bitchy," Dean says flatly but he breaks out into a grin, kissing him sloppily on the lips.

"What does this fun day entail?" Castiel asks curiously.

"Now that would be telling," Dean says, waggling his eyebrows. Even with Castiel's incessant questions, he still doesn't give anymore answers, miming zipping his mouth which Castiel assumes to mean that he's not going to say anything else on the matter so Castiel soon stops trying.

"I suppose I should shower before this day of fun, yes?" Castiel asks, once they've finished eating.

"Yep, but I suppose," Dean says huskily, leaning in, his mouth brushing against Castiel's as he speaks, "I could join you."

"I wouldn't expect anything different," Castiel says with a smile, kissing Dean roughly before grabbing his hand and yanking him to the bathroom.

When they are both finally dressed, wearing simple t-shirts and jeans, no shoes or socks (Dean vehemently tells Castiel he doesn't need them which only confuses Castiel further) Dean takes Castiel by the hand and leads him out of the building, saying a short goodbye to Chuck and Sam who only look in amusement at Castiel's baffled expression.

It's only when Dean leads him to the beach, a private section that no one but the owners (which Chuck has been appointed to due to Castiel) of the house are allowed to enter, sand sifting through their toes that Castiel understands the reason for no socks or shoes.

"You ever been to the beach before Cas?" Dean asks, slowly strolling across the beach, Castiel in tow.

"I've never had occasion, I've  _saw_ a beach before obviously but never actually stood on one," Castiel says, enjoying the feel of the sand under his feet, the calming sound of the waves lapping to his left. Standing here, Castiel can pretend that he and Dean are the only ones left on Earth, that everything is okay, that they are in paradise.

"Well, now you're finally here, do you like it?" Dean asks, stopping them and turning to meet Castiel, his arms wrapping around his waist.

"Yes, but I like it especially because you are here with me," Castiel says honestly, kissing Dean softly.

"Hmm, good answer," Dean smiles, "So that means you've never went into the sea?"

"No," Castiel says.

"Well we can soon change that," Dean grins childishly, grabbing Castiel's hand and dragging him to the waves, pulling him until the water is to their knees. It's unlike anything Castiel has felt before, to look out into the sea and see nothing but endless water hitting against the brilliant blue sky, not a cloud in sight. He closes his eyes for a moment, gripping Dean's hand tightly, and just inhales, taking everything in. He feels Dean kiss him on his temple so Castiel opens his eyes and turns his head to see Dean smiling at him, his eyes twinkling.

Castiel kisses him and then tries to pull him in further, wanting the waves to envelop him, surround him entirely.

"Cas, I can't, my stitches," Dean says grudgingly.

Castiel's face lights up, "I'll carry you."

"You'll what?" Dean asks with a laugh.

Castiel turns away from him, leaning down slightly, "Jump on my back."

"You're serious," Dean states.

"Jump on my back Dean," Castiel commands and with a short laugh Dean jumps on his back, wrapping his legs tightly around his waist, his arms around his neck as he kisses him on the cheek.

"Giddy up then," Dean orders.

"What?" Castiel asks with a frown.

Dean laughs, "I mean go."

Castiel doesn't wait for any more instruction and wades into the water, holding onto Dean's legs as the water hits him to his hips, his jeans soaking but he finds he doesn't care because the feeling of being in the water is worth the wetness. Dean shrieks loudly into his ear when a large wave hits them, splattering Dean's legs with water but thankfully not his stomach where the stitches are, his body pressed too tightly to Castiel's for the water to get there. Castiel can't help but pretend to drop Dean just to see his reaction and Dean doesn't disappoint, yelping in his ear and holding on even tighter, very nearly cutting off Castiel's air supply.

"You're such a dick," Dean pants.

"But you still love me," Castiel murmurs.

"Guess I'm an idiot then," Dean says into his ear.

"I'm not going to disagree on that one," Castiel smiles.

"Hey!" Dean shouts.

"Come on, let’s get out of the water," Castiel sighs for a moment, taking one last look at the endless sea before turning his back on it and wading back to the sand, Dean staying wrapped around his waist even when they're completely out of the water, "Are you going to get off?"

"Nope, going to guide you to our next destination," Dean kisses his cheek.

"It's a good job I'm an angel and still have my angelic strength then," Castiel jokes.

"Like I said before, you're a dick," Dean grins, freeing one arm from around Castiel's neck and pointing further away from the house behind a jutting cliff face, "It's just over there."

"What's just over here?" Castiel asks with a frown but starts walking that way anyway, intrigued as to what he will find.

"Wait and see," Dean says and Castiel quickens his pace impatiently but stops short when he walks around the cliff face and sees what's there. Dean jumps off Castiel's back and turns to him as Castiel takes in the blanket placed on the floor, a basket on top of it with what Castiel assumes to be filled with food.

"You did all this?" Castiel asks in awe.

"Uh-huh," Dean smiles coyly, wrapping his arms around Castiel's neck.

"When?"

"While you were sleeping, you sleeping for twelve hours every night like a log has finally come in handy," Dean nudges him with his hips.

Castiel can't think of what to say other than, "I love you Dean."

"You better," Dean winks, "I didn't go to all this trouble for nothing. Now take off your pants."

"Wait, what?" Castiel tilts his head.

Dean grins, "They're soaked."

"Oh," Castiel's cheeks flush, "Only if you take yours off as well."

Dean smirks, "Deal."

They both pull their jeans off and Castiel decides he might as well take his shirt off as well, Dean doing the same, both of them only wearing their boxers but he doesn't care. It's not like there's anyone else on the beach to see them, they're even covered from Chuck's home.

Dean kisses Castiel deeply, his hands trailing down Castiel's chest before grabbing his hand and pulling him down to sit on the blanket, pulling out food after food and Castiel can almost feel his mouth water. They spend the rest of the afternoon eating as much as they can and Castiel finally learns what the phrase 'so full you could burst' means, his stomach having expanded an alarming amount. They take short trips to the sea, Castiel dragging Dean with him and Dean always lets himself be pulled no matter how many times Castiel does it. They only walk a few steps into the sea, the waves lapping at their knees but it is enough for Castiel. All Castiel has to do is look at Dean, who is smiling at him with so much love and he doesn't stop himself from kissing him, wrapping himself around him as they slowly make their way back to the blanket.

It's not until the sky starts to darken that Castiel realises how long they've actually been out here, how quickly the time has gone, and how he wishes that time could have slowed down for them so they could have stayed here forever. It reminds him how much he wishes he could be with Dean in Heaven, their days always being like this, content with just lying down on a beach in each other’s arms.

"Guess we gotta head back soon," Dean sighs, his arms wrapped around Castiel's waist, Castiel's head resting on Dean's chest.

"Yes, I suppose so," Castiel sighs too, making small patterns on Dean's chest.

"Enjoy yourself today Cas?" Dean asks.

"Yes, thank you Dean," Castiel smiles.

"Good."

"Why did you do all this?" Castiel asks, lifting his head slightly to look at Dean's face.

Dean's face falls slightly, "I don't know, we never get to have days off to just enjoy ourselves you know? We deserve to at least have one day where we just relax and have fun. And well, tomorrow I'm getting my stitches out which means- it means we can't keep delaying it anymore Cas."

Castiel knows what he means by 'it', that he knows that they  _have_  been delaying, using Dean's injury as an excuse. Dean would more than likely have been able to fight Lucifer these past few days as he has been more than capable of running around on this beach with Castiel but they had used it as a last minute excuse, to put it off just for a short while longer so they could be happy, pretend to be as normal as possible. And Castiel knows they have to stop the excuses now. People are dying, the world is in chaos and they have a way of stopping it.

"It's gonna work right?" Dean asks quietly, his voice uncertain.

"Yes," Castiel says, reaching up to kiss Dean, "It's going to work."

Dean nods, "Yeah, okay."

"We should go back to Chuck's now," Castiel says sadly.

"Just give it a couple more minutes," Dean says tightening his hold on Castiel.

"Okay," Castiel agrees, letting his head fall back onto Dean's chest.

 


	26. Chapter 26

The next day seems to whiz by, Dean getting his stitches out early in the morning, Sam, Dean and Castiel finalising their plans. After that, Castiel leaves them at Bobby's for them to have some time with him before the final battle. It's strange, how the sense of finality hangs in the air, like this is it. Castiel knows that he's wrong in that aspect. He knows that Dean will live through this and he's not going to let Sam die either but the feeling of it being their last day still swims around them, making them feel like they need to spend time with Bobby in case  _this is it._

In Castiel's free time he goes back to the beach, strips himself of his t-shirt and trousers and wades into the sea until the water is up to his chest, splashing against him heavily. It's only his angelic strength that keeps him standing as he closes his eyes and feels the water lap against his face, feels the Earth moving beneath his feet, how this water is only a small part of the sea, how big this planet truly is, how filled it is.

He remembers how he had felt the first time he landed onto Earth, how he had felt in Jimmy's body, how everything had felt so  _alive_ and different to Heaven.

And then meeting Dean for the first time, how wrong it had gone but also so right, how Dean had been so much more than Castiel could have imagined, how both of them have changed for the better, both knowing what it feels like to be loved like this and how to love someone like this, a first for both of them. Dean has taught him so many things and so has Sam, Chuck and Bobby, all of them teaching him small things of how to be human, of how to live. Castiel can't even bear to think of what his life would have been like if his garrison hadn't been the one to raise Dean from Hell, how Castiel would never have known Dean and could have been one of the mindless soldiers  _hunting_ him.

Castiel finds Chuck on the balcony who stands from his chair when he sees Castiel in his presence. He’s dressed in more of Dean's clothes, the t-shirt and jeans slightly baggy on him but Castiel doesn't care because they're Dean's and they smell of him.

"Hey," Chuck says, passing a beer to him.

Castiel takes it from him and cradles it in his palms as he watches the sun start to slowly sink into the sea line, "Hello."

"So last day before the big fight," Chuck states, taking a last gulp from his beer before tossing it aside, leaning back onto the balcony.

"Yes," Castiel murmurs before glancing at Chuck, "Do you know what will happen?"

Chuck sighs, "No, wish I did."

"I suppose we will have to wait and see," Castiel murmurs, taking a small sip from his beer, not really liking the taste but it brings him warmth in his stomach so he takes another.

"Yeah," Chuck mutters, his gaze turning to the beach.

Castiel stays silent for a short while, bathing in the last few rays of sun before saying, because it needs to be said, even more so when he doesn't know what will happen tomorrow, "Chuck, I would like to thank you."

Chuck turns to him, his eyes wide, "For what?"

Castiel smiles, "For being my friend."

It's Chuck's turn to smile, "Er, well... You're welcome I guess?"

"Thank you Chuck, you-" Castiel gulps, turning back to the sea, "You helped me through it when Dean- when Dean died. At the time I thought there was no hope, none at all, but you told me it would get better and it did. If you hadn't have been there to stop me from- from doing something stupid, I would never have had these moments with Dean, would never have had a picnic on a beach or him singing to me till I sleep. I would never have had that Chuck if it wasn't for you so  _thank you_. Dean and I- even with everything that hangs over our heads- we're happy and part of that is because of you."

Castiel turns to a silent Chuck who actually has tears in his eyes, his eyes glistening in the last of the sun and before Castiel knows what's happening Chuck is hugging him, having to stand on his toes to reach the same height as Castiel, "You're welcome Castiel, you and Dean deserve to be happy and so does Sam."

"As do you," Castiel says, pulling out of the hug, looking down at Chuck, rather surprised to see him so emotional, to see that he regards their friendship as important as Castiel does.

Chuck tilts his head slightly, "Would you believe me if I said everything works out in the end?"

"What?" Castiel asks with a frown.

Chuck sighs, waving his hands in dismissal before muttering, "Never mind, I should shut up now."

"Chuck, what are you-" Castiel starts to ask before the phone in his jeans buzzes, signalling Dean. He quickly brings it out of his pocket because it means Dean is ready to come back and as preposterous as it sounds Castiel has missed him.

"Dean?" Castiel asks, Chuck giving him a thumbs up before walking back inside.

"Ready to come pick us up?" Dean asks through the phone.

Castiel doesn't even reply, he just lands himself outside of Bobby's house, still unable to enter the house because of the angel wards. It doesn't matter though; all three of them are standing outside, most likely waiting for him to arrive.

"I'll take that as a yes," Dean smirks, shoving his phone back into his pocket.

"Are you ready to go back to Chuck's?" Castiel asks, looking from one Winchester to another.

"Why else would I ask you to come pick us up?" Dean rolls his eyes but nudges Castiel with his hip, a small grin finding itself on his face. Castiel smiles back at him, curling his fingers into Dean's. Dean doesn’t say anything but there's a slight blush on his cheeks as he looks to Bobby and Sam who both have knowing smiles on their faces.

Castiel lets his gaze focus on Bobby's, "I'll take care of them Bobby."

"You better," Bobby scowls but he walks to Castiel and Dean and takes Castiel's free hand, shaking it slightly as he mutters from under his hat, "Good luck son."

Castiel feels his heart swell because Bobby had just called him  _son,_ had included him in his family and Castiel doesn't know what to do with that, that Bobby sees him as part of the Winchester family now just as much as Dean and Sam do. Castiel turns to Dean who's grinning affectionately at him, squeezes his hand and nods.

Castiel swallows, "Thank you Bobby."

Bobby grimaces, "Now you boys better get out of here, you're supposed to be getting ready to kill the devil for God's sake."

Sam and Dean both murmur their goodbyes before Castiel takes them back to Chuck, Sam walking to the couch and sitting next to the prophet who is already watching television. Castiel pulls at Dean's hand and takes them to the other couch, Dean easily sliding his arms around Castiel's frame, kissing his temple.

They all sit and watch in silence, only making small conversation when Sam jokingly tells Dean and Castiel to stop being gross in his company and go and make out somewhere else. Dean smirks, waggles his eyebrows and stands up, dragging Castiel with him into their bedroom. Eagerly, he pulls them both to the bed, wrapping his legs around him, holding him tightly, kissing him roughly as he pulls both of their clothes off with ferocity, murmuring his love for Castiel as he takes him slowly, their last chance to feel as one before the day that has suddenly hit them from nowhere.

They both fall asleep easily in each other's arms, Dean's warm calming breath against the back of Castiel's neck, arms wrapped around Castiel's waist protectively, pulling him in close. Just before Castiel falls into a dreamless sleep he sends out a silent prayer to his Father, wishing for everything to be okay, for them to survive through this, though he's not sure he will be heard.

* * *

 

The next day Castiel, Sam and Dean stand in the same warehouse they had used to summon Gabriel, knowing that it is far away from any civilians so if anything is to go wrong, there would be no innocent bystanders stuck in the crossfire. They all stand there for a moment, all looking at each other, knowing that this is it, that once they're finished here they will have defeated Lucifer.

Castiel double checks that they have everything, that they know of the plan and once that is finished they know it's time to start it, that there's nothing left to do apart from summon Lucifer and kill him.

Sam pulls him into a hug, his long arms wrapping around him easily, murmuring in his ear, "Good luck Cas."

"And you," Castiel says, pulling out of the hug, smiling at him.

"Well, hopefully you won't need me," Sam smiles, patting him on the shoulder. Castiel nods at that. The plan didn't really entail Sam unless something went terribly wrong, if Dean or Castiel were incapacitated and Sam would have to move in to replace them. Castiel and Dean had planned it this way to ensure that Sam wouldn't be in the most danger, something that Sam probably knew they had planned but hadn't said anything, going through the plan and talking about what he would need to do if it went wrong.

Sam looks over to Dean who is staring at Castiel, "I'll be outside."

"Be there in a minute Sammy," Dean smiles at Sam and Sam nods, patting Castiel on the chest again before leaving them.

Dean wraps his arms around Castiel's neck, pressing their foreheads together and breathing shakily, "See you after okay?"

"Yes," Castiel murmurs, brushing their lips together. In reply, Dean deepens the kiss as Castiel puts his arms around Dean's waist, pulling him in closer.

"Love you Cas, okay," Dean whispers as they pull their lips apart.

"I love you Dean, always," Castiel promises, kissing him again.

Dean shuts his eyes and sighs, "After this we'll go back to the beach and have loads of pancakes and burgers and ice cream and loads and loads of sex, we got a deal?"

Castiel laughs, "Deal."

Dean pulls out of Castiel's hold slowly, kissing his forehead, "See you later baby."

Castiel pulls him back in to kiss him once more, a quick brush of the lips, before letting go of Dean, watching him as he leaves. Dean never looks back for which Castiel is grateful for because if Dean had, Castiel would have just kept bringing him back and kissing him, not being able to let go.

Castiel lets out a deep breath before he starts the summoning; patting his pocket to check that the colt is still there. It takes several minutes to finish saying the verse and all he can do once he's finished is stand and wait and pray that Lucifer still has some kind of an interest with him to show up. If Lucifer doesn't show then Castiel doesn't know what they'll do.

Ten minutes later, Lucifer stands before him, still wearing the same vessel and clothes as before, his hands pushed into his pockets.

"Lucifer," Castiel says, his jaw and fists clenching as he looks at the archangel, finding it difficult not to reach over and strangle him, to torture him in every way possible.

"I almost didn't show," Lucifer shrugs, "But I was curious as to how you were coping. Got to say little one, thought you would have ended it by now or are you too much of a coward to do it yourself? I'm sure that Sam Winchester would help you out or is that why you called me, you want me to do it for you, kill you?"

Castiel watches Dean slowly walking behind Lucifer, Sam a few feet behind him, Gabriel's blade in his grip, but he keeps his face passive, focusing on Lucifer and not daring to avert his eyes to even hint to Lucifer that Dean is alive, let alone right behind him, being masked by the sigils on his ribs, Dean ready to stab him in the neck and kill him.

"I would never ask anything off you," Castiel grits out.

"Huh," Lucifer pouts slightly before grinning, "Then why did you summon me? Want to come over to the dark side? I mean, we're both fallen, might as well make a team."

Dean's only a few feet away from Lucifer now and he sends a quick short nod to Castiel telling him that he's ready.

"Fuck you," Castiel mutters, pulling the colt out of his pocket and shooting Lucifer dead in the chest. Lucifer doesn't even stumble and Castiel takes a sharp intake of his breath, willing that even without being hurt by the colt, it will distract him. _Please let it distract him._

"Castiel, please don't tell me you summoned me here to try and kill me," Lucifer rolls his eyes, spitting out a quick spurt of blood, "The colt doesn't hurt me you idiot."

"Yeah but this does," Dean growls, slamming Gabriel's blade through Lucifer's neck.

" _Dean?_ " Lucifer's eyes open wide, turning to meet Dean, his grace starting to beam out of his vessel and Castiel sighs in relief because they've done it, they've killed him and it's all over. Lucifer is going to die, he's finally going to be gone and Castiel and Dean can be together with one less thing to hang over their heads. Sam will be free of guilt; will finally be able to live his life the way he wants.

They've actually done it.

But then, with his last few breaths, Lucifer is holding his blade, is holding it out to Dean, the other hand gripping Dean's shoulder to stop him from escaping.

"No!" Castiel screams, pushing Dean roughly out of Lucifer's grasp, Dean hitting against the far wall, slamming hard against it. Once he’s landed onto the floor with a thud, Dean covers his eyes at the sheer light of Lucifer's grace filling the room. He hears Sam yell at him in warning but it's too late, all too late as Castiel stills suddenly when he feels the blade pierce his heart.

Castiel gasps, turning to meet Lucifer's grin, knowing that this is it, that he's going to die. He feels his own grace start to escape his vessel, screaming out, avoiding any contact with Lucifer’s; even in death as they both explode into nothingness.

_It's all over._

His last thought is of Dean, how after everything, he's forcing him to go through all the same pain that Dean caused him by dying right in front of him. That in the end, they both died saving the other, falling in love with each other in between, sharing kisses, their thoughts, their lives.

And isn't that the whole point?

* * *

 

_Dean holds Castiel's lifeless body tightly to his chest; his arms wrapped around his waist, Castiel's back pressed up against him, rocking them slightly, all tears now shed._

_He doesn't care how long it's been, he refuses to let go of Castiel because he can't, he won't._

_It's as he rocks them both that he realises that everything that Castiel had told him about Dean's future, he had gotten one thing wrong, one thing so terribly wrong. Angels hadn't forced Dean back to the past to kill him or to push him out of the way to prevent him from stopping the apocalypse. Dean being sent back to the past hadn't been the angels after all. It had been Dean's choice all along._

" _This is why I go back."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a [companions piece](http://archiveofourown.org/works/887289/chapters/1710586) to this from Dean's POV and timeline. It explains a lot of things this one couldn't, such as Dean's developing feelings towards Cas, what he really thought when he found out he was going to die, how Sam reacted when Dean chose to go back in time and how Dean went back in the first place (*cough* Gabriel.)
> 
> Oh, and that story is going to end a little happier than this one, I promise.


End file.
